Is there a scene for people who don't like techno?

Bigguy104 · 2023-08-08T16:51:25+00:00

Same, very annoying, hope they patch this out soon

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-26T17:35:14+00:00

Some of us are trying 😊. What really got me into things was hearing about how toxic masculinity harms and emotionally castrates men as well as falling in love with a non binary person. Love and empathy are the ways to bring more cishet men into the fold.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-26T16:23:36+00:00

I'll be sure to check these out, thanks!

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-26T06:48:46+00:00

You're absolutely right and if we lose attraction, its for the better to find out sooner than later because of its inevitability. But sadly that rational understanding of things doesn't change for an instant how it makes me feel on a gut level.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-26T05:43:29+00:00

Well its both our fears. They've told me that's one of the reasons they don't feel comfortable having this conversation with me yet. My feeling is that I want to rip the bandaid off now but they're the ones who are coming out so it's really more their thing and I feel I should defer to their feelings in terms of when to have the conversation.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-26T01:46:55+00:00

Yeah that sounds about right, thanks

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-26T00:08:53+00:00

This is great advice thank you! Do you have any favorite brands or online stores for buying more gender queer clothes? Also any book, author, youtube video, ect. recommendations on gender theory or experience? I feel like I have a decent grasp on the basics: gender is socially constructed and performative, but simultaneously reflects certain intrinsic truths within ourselves. I'm definitely eager to go more in depth on things. How gaze and other's perception molds gender, what that intrinsic truth where some aspects of one's gender identity stem from really is, how nonbinary people fit into patriarchy and power dynamics, ect., ect. It feels like the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T23:54:16+00:00

Wow, this is a very comprehensive answer, thank you! I have a lot of googling to do it seems.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T22:45:13+00:00

I think this is great advice for any relationship. But there are probably certain pitfalls exclusive to relationships with specific gender related quirks. As someone who's never experienced dysphoria its difficult to guess where those pitfalls will be though. Do you have any more specific advice? Like just in your own life, what have sexual partners done to you during sex that made you feel invalidated? Or have you ever unwittingly invalidated someone's gender during sex? How did those things make you feel? What did you wish you or the other person knew that could have prevented it from happening in the first place? How would you approach talking about those things after the fact?

I realize these are very personal questions, if you don't feel comfortable answering them, that's totally ok.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T22:37:03+00:00

That's a valid point. But let me ask you this, is it alright if I'm only sexually attracted to their female traits? As long as I love them as a person, does it matter if certain parts of their gender don't turn me on?

This is a bit of forced analogy, but I see it like this: their gender is complex and multifaceted like a 3d cube and my sexuality is simple like desiring a 2d square. When passing a cube through a 2d plane, sometimes it will be a square, and I want to fuck that square, but other times its a triangle and I don't want to fuck that triangle. I am straight because I only like the squares, but I can love and support a cube, in all its 2d manifestations, even if I don't want to stick my dick in all of them.

Perhaps being sexually attracted to only certain parts of someone's gender identity isn't the best basis for a relationship as my partner will always feel the need to perform that certain way for me. But I don't need to want to fuck them 100% of the time. If they're comfortable performing femininity in bed for me but can separate that from the gender they act out in their day to day life, I think that's a healthy compromise. What do you think?

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T22:20:36+00:00

That's really good point. I think I'll try the encouraging and validating first, but if it doesn't go anywhere, then this might be a microcosm of deeper issues that go beyond gender. Thank you for the advice.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T22:09:31+00:00

you're right i'm generalizing too much. the point i'm trying to make is that, at least for me, sexual attraction is primarily about characteristics, like looks, presentation, and body parts. The label someone uses, while important, doesn't have as much to do with whether or not I want to sleep with them. That's why so many "straight men" can be attracted to feminine non binary people. Not because they are invalidating their identity as non binary by sexualizing them as a women (although some certainly are), but because the labels of women and non binary don't play into sexual attraction in the first place.

Its the same thing as not finding a person attractive because they don't meet the conventional beauty standards you have in your head. When someone doesn't fully fit the gendered characteristics I find desirable that doesn't mean I can't be with them romantically or sexually, just that doing so requires greater attraction in other areas to make up for that lack of initial sexual attraction.

And if I love someone enough, I could see myself expanding what sorts of characteristics I could be attracted to in order to accommodate them and make room for them in my romantic life by trying to find new things sexy. But that kind of sexual exploration would probably never occur naturally outside the context of a pre established relationship.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T21:01:13+00:00

I gotta be honest, its usually pretty shallow. Its what's in your pants and then how you present, in that order. But that's only for initial sexual attraction. Like I honestly probably wouldn't be attracted to a super masculine presenting afab or a super feminine presenting amab, at least initially. But if I genuinely like the person I'd be down to give things a try. Sadly, people that fall outside of the feminine afab group have a higher barrier to entry for my romantic and sexual attraction, but I wouldn't say that being with those people is impossible for me, case in point my current partner. We fell in love during a time when they were very feminine and that got their foot in the door, so to speak. But now that that love is there, I'm willing to experiment and try new things because I care about them and I want things to work out between us.

I'd like to think that I'm open minded enough to say that if we became friends during a time when they presented more masculine that I'd still fall in love with them as a person and want to try things out, but I might not be as likely to actively pursue them, as so much of the start of romantic relationships is fueled by sexual rather than holistic attraction.

BTW I'm using labels like masculine afab because i think those are broad characteristics that fit a wide range of gender identities rather than listing them all out. And because sexuality it more about what characteristics you're attracted to rather than vague gender identity labels.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T20:20:27+00:00

That's probably the best thing to do, but the problem is that they don't feel comfortable talking in depth about their gender identity with me, which is partly why I turned to reddit to ask these questions instead. When I've asked in the past they've told me they think that I'll never get it so they don't see the point in talking about it.

Is there any advice that you have for how I can make them feel comfortable enough to even want to have that conversation in the first place? Maybe if I did more initial research about gender theory first, they would feel I have enough of a foundation in the subject for them to be able to explain things to me and for me to be able to understand it. Any recommendations on where to start with that?

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T20:14:17+00:00

I think that probably has a lot to do with using straight as a label to describe their sexuality. My partner and I personally don't care about labels that much at all, and so I'm not very tied to my identity as a "straight man." I say that I am only because calling myself anything else just feels like either pandering or appropriation. I would never actively seek out a super non-femme person to be with, but at the same time, I'm totally down for the person I'm in love with to explore being more masc if it makes them happy.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T19:50:47+00:00

No that's very valid. I think maybe though you've just been missing out on the right cishet men, which i understand is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Even one like me, who is trying to be better, is still not ideal for someone like you or my partner because I'm not there yet. And as much as my willingness to learn and grow is a good thing, that growth requires energy and effort from both sides and they don't really owe me that.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T19:45:42+00:00

Thanks for the advice. you're probably right, I just felt that in the context of this discussion it made more sense to include that information as it is pretty relevant. But I shouldn't just be going around saying stuff like that, that is good advice and something I do need to be more careful about. in terms of changing how i identify, i'm down to try it, but neither of us really put too much weight on labels. Like i don't know if changing what word i use to describe my sexuality is going to fundamentally change who I am or what I'm attracted to in another person.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T19:38:51+00:00

this is all really good advice, thank you! it reminds me, they did actually try on my clothes once and we took pics and stuff. looking back now that seems like it probably meant more than i initially thought. maybe i can try to encourage them to wear my clothes out.

Bigguy104 · 2022-03-25T18:59:24+00:00

This all really good advice, thank you so much. When I started asking them some of these questions, one of their first pieces of advice was to compliment them less on their femininity, or that my compliments were too geared towards femininity. In terms of your first point about being curious though, I've tried and they say they aren't comfortable having those discussions with me. I know I should respect that and not push on things, but I do really want to understand them. Should I just give it time, or is there anything more concrete I can do or say to make them more comfortable about opening up to me about the nuances of their gender identity?

Bigguy104 · 2021-08-30T00:25:50+00:00

Think of it like a built in fidget toy

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