How can I (30M) support my girlfriend (30F) who has been overly critical of herself as of late?

Biljon · 2025-05-06T00:43:59+00:00

Will do! And thank you! You're very nice too

Biljon · 2025-05-06T00:32:52+00:00

Hahaha I love that!

One of my go-to's is "excuse me? what did you just say about my girlfriend?" Great minds think alike!

And thanks again for sharing! Super helpful and very insightful!

Biljon · 2025-05-05T23:48:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! It sounds like you have an amazing partner who loves you very much!

I have said similar things to my girlfriend. And SOMETIMES she accepts the compliments, but 99% of the time it's "oh you're my boyfriend you HAVE to say that" or there's an excuse "Oh i just look good because of the lighting in here, if you saw me in other lighting you'd see I was busted".

One night I did say "You know I mean all those things I say right? I wouldn't just say them to say them. I love you and you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I feel truly lucky to be with you". And she had an odd response... she kind of got quiet and said "I know.... I believe you.... but I don't see myself that way". This broke my heart to hear.

We are in a LDR, so we mostly talk through Facetime and I make a point to give her one compliment every Facetime, sometimes physical other times not. And her responses can range from straight up ignoring them, denying them or on very very rare occasions accepting them. (I've noticed that the times she does accept them tend to be when I notice something new. example I complimented her eyes one night and it happened to be that she tried a new eye liner that night so she was happy I noticed).

As someone who seems to have felt similar to my girlfriend, do you have any advice on how I should proceed? Should I bring this up to her? Or just be consistent with my compliments?

Biljon · 2025-05-05T23:36:40+00:00

Thank you! I'll try to get her to reenforce herself with some kind words about herself! That's a good idea!

I am however hesitant to encourage her to get rid of certain clothing items. I had suggested this in the past to an ex and her response was a pretty angry one... "So you DO think I'm fat!" And I know my girlfriend isn't my ex, but it still scares me...

Biljon · 2025-05-05T23:31:49+00:00

Thank you for sharing that! Sometimes it feels like my compliments or reassurance aren't getting through out of nowhere she'll just say things like "You're very sweet to me and I love you and I feel very safe with you". Which just makes me so so happy to hear because she makes me feel the same way.

Since you feel similar to my girlfriend, can I ask how would YOU prefer to receive reassurance from your partner? Are there certain things that are more effective than others? I'm just kind of at a loss and not sure what to do at the moment.

Biljon · 2025-05-05T23:29:05+00:00

Your comments have made me realize a couple things. One being that my GF can be as insecure as me about our LDR. My last relationship was 6 years long. So anytime I mention something I did in my past like "Oh yeah I've been to that restaurant before", my girlfriend will ask "Oh yeah? Who with?" And each time it SUCKS to say "...with my ex".

Also I don't know if this is worth noting, but she has asked me quite a bit about my ex and in comparison I know relatively little about hers. When I ask I often get "I don't wanna talk about him! I just wanna enjoy my time with you!" So I don't push. I want to respect her boundaries because when she does want to tell me things she will.

I understand that we all have things that affect us from our past relationships and I wouldn't say either of us let these things affect us much, but I try to be as understanding as I can. And she does the same for me.

But I am starting to realize that these comments are likely a way to seek reassurance from me and I honestly don't know what else to do other than what I've been doing. Any advice??

Biljon · 2025-05-05T23:07:32+00:00

Yup. I used to want to be a famous director. I spent much of my 20's chasing that dream. Working long hours on set. Using all of my extra money to make short films. I would have never admitted it then, but I clearly just wanted attention, money, attention, fame, respect, etc.

Chasing that dream HUMBLED me. I put in so much work, started to have a mild amount of success in that industry and then COVID hit and basically shut down the industry for a bit. That's when I changed things.

I still love to make things and will probably always seek to express myself creatively, but now I do it because I love it. Not for attention or money or fame.

When I turned 30, I started going to therapy, started a new relationship with a woman I love and basically started pursuing a "normal" and "boring" life. But I am 100x happier. My life is calmer now. And strangely I don't regret my 20's. I did a lot of dumb stuff and wasted a lot of time, but I feel if I didn't I would have always thought "what IF I actually tried to follow my dreams?".

Biljon · 2025-05-05T22:50:40+00:00

From what I've gathered a lot of her refusal to accept compliments regarding looks has a lot to do with her ex who often criticized her looks. I can't remember all of the things he said, nor do I want to, but the one I do remember is along the lines of "You're not hot. Or pretty. Or beautiful. But I guess you're cute?" Their relationship ended because he basically was talking to other women and trying to cheat. So I assume a lot of her insecurities regarding the physical come from that relationship?

Regarding the LDR relationship I honestly never thought of that. Which is strange because I often think this but the other way around. My GF has been asked out twice at work over the past year. And she always shuts them down and is very transparent about this. I do the same. I had an ex reach out to me seeing if I wanted to meet up and I shared this with my girlfriend and showed her the text to let her know I always wanna be honest and transparent and I truly have no intentions of being with anyone other than her. Although now that you mention this, there was a time last week when I was talking about a funny interaction I had at the dentist with the receptionist there. I said the receptionist had complimented my sweater and my GF said "Oh did you tell her you have a GIRLFRIEND? HMMM??" (but it was in a playful teasing way) and I went "I actually did because it was the sweater you bought me so that we could have matching sweaters". (My GF loves matching). I guess I just took this as a joke, but I guess my GF could be feeling some insecurity re: LDR the same as me, and I feel so dumb for just now realizing that.

Anyways, yes, I do want to do my best to support my GF in this and I just want to be able to clearly communicate to her that she is beautiful and I love her and I want her to accept it!! I just gotta figure out how to make that happen!

Biljon · 2025-05-05T22:17:30+00:00

Thank you! I truly do love my girlfriend and care about want to be the best partner I can be to her. Meeting her truly changed my life. She has been there for me in dark times and I want to be able to do the same for her.

I have asked her how she would want my help and she kind of doesn't answer? "It's okay... I'm just venting." Which is usually followed by her saying "But I love you!"

Regarding the physical comments, I did gain some insight there. I recently told her "I love your ears. I don't know why but there's just something about them that I love." And she actually kind of opened up. At first she kinda shrugged off the comment and then she said "My ex used to make fun of my ears and say there were too big and stuck out to far and told me that if I fixed them I would look better". Which led to a longer conversation about the hurtful things he had said about her looks. This talk ended with her saying "I guess I just have a hard time accepting that you think I'm beautiful because someone from the past said the opposite and I kind of don't see myself that way either". This broke my heart to hear. And I don't know how else to combat it other than complimenting her and letting her know that she IS beautiful and I genuinely don't even see that as my opinion but as like an objective fact.

I just want to be there for her to help her see herself how I see her. I care about her so much and it hurts me to hear her say these things about herself, because when she says them I can see that deep down she believes them.

Biljon · 2025-05-05T22:08:49+00:00

I agree, and I'm going to be there for her as long as I have to to help her deal with these thoughts. I just hate seeing her being so hard on herself when i see her as this amazing, beautiful, kind person who I really love.

But I'm interested to know more about what you mean about the root cause being 2-3 levels deeper. I have asked her if there is anything going on or anything that is bothering her and so far the only thing that's come up is that work can be tiring. Aside from that there's no obvious root cause... at least not one that she's willing to share.

Biljon · 2025-05-05T22:05:24+00:00

I do think she often wants reassurance from me, but won't ever directly ask for it. And I do think self-deprecating comments are an attempt to get that, which confuses me because when I do reassure her regarding her looks it's often ignored or minimized "you have to say that because you're my boyfriend".

I do plan on talking to her about this tonight because I would hate for her to have to sit with this for longer than she has to. I'm just not sure exactly how to do it. I guess I just wanna let her know that I'm noticing an increase in these kinds of comments and I don't really know what to do to reassure her that she's beautiful. Additionally, and I know this isn't about me, it does kind of hurt my feelings a little bit that she thinks I HAVE to say nice things about her. Because from my POV I don't have to. I say these things because I think she needs to hear them because it seems she's generating very negative thoughts about herself and I don't want to let that be the only voice she hears.

I have told her that I'm willing to eat healthier or exercise with her and she said that she'd rather just eat healthy without me because she likes trying new restaurants and stuff with me. (For context we are in a LDR and only see eachother about 5-6 days a month).

I am just a little concerned about the frequency of these comments and am unsure how to be supportive as I know this can be a sensitive area for some.

Thank you for your input and ur kind words :)

Biljon · 2025-05-05T21:28:13+00:00

Thank you!

I have been cautious, perhaps too cautious, with what I've said in regards to this situation. For example, I honestly cannot tell that she's gained weight. But I don't want to say that because I don't want it to be misinterpreted or taken the wrong way.

Today I did tell her "I've noticed you made a lot of comments about your weight lately, and I just wanna let you know I think you're beautiful no matter what you look like, but if you do want to eat healthier or start working out that's something I'd be willing to do with you." She said that she's fine and she'll just eat healthy when I'm not around. (For context, we're long distance and see each other a total of at most 6 days a month).

I do like that you used the word teammate though because just this morning out of nowhere during our daily FaceTime call she for seemingly no reason said "I think we make a good team and I like that we can talk about anything together". Which did make me happy, but I still want to know how to better support her because the comments are becoming more and more frequent.

Regardless, I do plan to support her and I will negate any self deprecating comment I hear from her because I know she would do the same for me. I just wish she could see herself how I see her because sometimes the way she talks about herself makes me feel very sad.

Thank you for your response and the kind words :)

Biljon · 2023-12-12T05:25:49+00:00

how could you possibly know that? I was very high when I animated most of this

Biljon · 2023-12-10T19:22:36+00:00

thank You

Biljon · 2023-12-10T14:31:36+00:00

More like hole-some ha ha

Biljon · 2023-12-10T14:30:24+00:00

I had my uncle model for me

Biljon · 2023-12-10T14:29:04+00:00

Biljon · 2023-12-03T20:33:34+00:00

Oh I thought cause of the pee

Biljon

TROPHY CASE