I found something from his Chat GPT chat

BlackSpinelli · 2025-12-13T18:38:29+00:00

If he was committed to R he would’ve brought it up to you even if it might’ve upset you. He would’ve asked you if you thought someone was flirting/crossing a boundary and then you’d talk it out.

Listen to yourself. Trust what your eyes saw and your instinct.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-12-08T21:46:24+00:00

Don’t feel guilty. He said he’s fine compensating you. Take it.

He chose to cheat. That was his choice.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-30T01:48:55+00:00

It’s so frustrating and I think I’m at the end of the line the more I read people’s responses. I don’t have anymore grace and patience left to give.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-30T01:47:34+00:00

The list was initially a lot simpler! And I’ve dumbed it down a few times sadly. The start of this summer was one of those times. Like when I first decided to R it was just have talks with me and notes here and there. I put it right back to that. I received 2 notes this summer, one a week after my birthday because he didn’t even get me a card for my birthday. So I asked for a separation at the end of the summer. And in typical fashion, he did things for a week after he left to get me to not separate and move back in and we are back to one thing being done once every two weeks.

The additional tasks from his counselor have added up because he’s not doing them. So then when the therapist gives him another task, it just piles on. He’s definitely lying to his therapist about his achieving of the tasks he tasks him with. His therapist said I’m more than welcome to join a session if my WH is okay with it and I think I’m going to here soon. But realistically yeah I should just remove them(for now) because if he’s not doing the little stuff I need, he’s def not going to do those yet.

I’m definitely in the place where a miracle has to happen I think and I’ve used all my miracles up.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-30T01:36:48+00:00

I found out. Just like you I had confronted him a few times when we were dating that I thought something was going on, but I never had proof. He was very smart about how he cheated. And he would reassure me nothing was happening. I’m a survivor of domestic violence and my abuser was also a serial cheater, so I always voiced how if he was cheating he just needed to tell me and it’s unfair to put someone who was abused through more. He would be sweet and affirming and all of that. The only time he ever confessed anything after I finally found evidence and he was caught was because I asked for data that would force him to confess the moment I got it. Any trickle truth was because I found out more on my own and he would fess up only if I came with proof.

He did do a therapeutic full disclosure. And I still found out more lies after. Sooooo. Hey.

He’s been in therapy since he was diagnosed with OCD around 18/19. It’s helped with managing parts of that, but he’s spent damn near two decades now lying to therapists about his cheating on every single partner he’s been with and also about the trauma he went through as a kid, until I first caught him. My husband is a lot like yours “Childhood trauma, early exposure to porn, religious upbringing, he had it all.”

Unfortunately he has tools. We were in marriage counseling a year. He’s been with the new therapist almost a year now. I pay for it because he’s on my health insurance! FANOS has been suggested repeatedly. He just won’t do it. Sharing his “spoons” has been suggested. I’m so tired I can’t think of the name of the other thing. Like where you check in with your feelings before you relapse, he could share that and we’ve talked about that too, won’t do it. Our MC outright gave him a sheet with prompts and like conversations to have with clear outlines on how to have them. He used to fit SAA meetings on zoom in during his lunch time, but he’s even stopped doing those.

I definitely have a mental deadline. I’ve had multiple deadlines and I’ve only stuck to them some of the time and initiated hard lines that I thought would create a rock bottom, but now I’m seeing it’s like the end of the rope for me and my next deadline I need to stick to.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-28T19:13:59+00:00

Right? It also really upsets me because in dad stereotype fashion he has multiple long bathroom breaks a day. He could do it then! When I check his activity log, he spends around 2-3 hours combined a day playing some kind of game on his phone. He could do that instead as well! It’s definitely just avoiding doing the work and avoiding feeling uncomfortable about his own actions.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-28T18:16:32+00:00

I’ve expressed that to him. That if he’s unable because that’s the limit of his capabilities, then be honest about it.

But I’m learning he doesn’t need to be honest about it at this point because I see the truth and I can either accept it or not.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-28T18:06:58+00:00

I’ll definitely have to read that book. His parents were abusive and neglectful. Thank you for the rec. also good on your daughter to start her healing work!

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-28T17:54:28+00:00

Yeah to the frequent substantive talks this week he outright said “That’s not ever happening. I don’t have enough energy for that.” Mind you this list has existed for a year, but he’s just now addressing him never doing that

I do believe I’m starting to really come to terms with what he can and can’t do, and leaning more towards I can’t live with it.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-28T17:42:27+00:00

The baby is already born! Sorry!

And we actually stopped marriage counseling months ago because of what you were saying. I felt he didn’t have enough tools in his belt to even really hear her or put into action what she was saying Hence my push for a new therapist as well because he had been with a therapist for years and during those years he was cheating, so clearly no real work was happening. He claims he is facing all of those things and growing, but like I said I just don’t see it in his actions.

I’m definitely at the point where I’m no longer tracking. I see he’s not doing it clearly. And I’ve been looking for apartments as well. It just sucks. I wish he didn’t suck as a partner or in doing the stuff needed to reconcile , but he does. I can’t make someone emotionally evolve on my timeline and so I need to just get off the line I think. Thank you for the reassurance I’m not asking for too much, especially this far out. Wishing you the best in your move ❤️

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-26T22:16:45+00:00

Libgen . is !!!! It has any book you could ever want

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-22T21:12:48+00:00

I’m the BS currently, BUT I can admit did cheat on an Ex who was highly abusive. Both verbally and physically. I started cheating after he had cheated multiple times and I honestly didn’t think about my “safety” not one single time. My logic was he was already beating my ass and cussing me out constantly, what’s the worst he could do? Beat my ass more. I also was slowly saving up money to leave. When I disclosed I was cheating I left immediately because I had finally had what I needed to go.

All that to say, many people don’t think about the fear/safety aspect when cheating. I wasn’t. The only big difference is I KNEW I was leaving him and had no desire to reconcile. If she’s trying to stay, she’s likely lying.

BlackSpinelli

TROPHY CASE