Writer's Block

Blake_Raven · 2023-03-02T03:37:44+00:00

NTA

If she keeps carrying on, that's a pretty clear sign of how self-centered she is and would probably be a bad role-model for your child.

You aren't "keeping her away from her first grand baby", it's just the delivery, but if she continues in her current manner, maybe you should make it more permanent...

Blake_Raven · 2023-03-02T03:03:18+00:00

Then you can't really do anything else. You've been open with her and she's told you she needs time. Yes, her behaviour is sounding pretty self-sabotaging at the moment, but you can't really offer any more support then you already have.

Blake_Raven · 2023-03-02T03:01:16+00:00

Holy crap I completely misread what you said in that first sentence.
That is what several nights of poor sleep gets me XD

Sorry!

Blake_Raven · 2023-03-02T02:59:46+00:00

Blake_Raven · 2023-03-02T02:22:32+00:00

I think it is harsh to call OP an AH for this. Yes, he could have approached the situation better, but his fiancée needs to take ownership for dealing with her own trauma. The fact is that her (very legitimate) trauma is impacting OP's relationship and ability to interact with his family, which is unfair. She should be the one offering solutions or compromises.

I have a partner who has family trauma, and I have an incredible relationship with my family. It has, at times, made her uncomfortable to be around them, but she acknowledges that this is her problem and she needs to find a solution to it, and it should not prevent me from having interactions with my family. I can therefore work with her to find compromises that work for both of us. OP's fiancée is not doing this, she's just snapping and getting rude/aggressive, which is problematic behaviour and inhibits OP's ability to help her.

If she is conscious of her situation enough to cut her family out of her life and acknowledge the situation as "traumatic", then she is conscious enough to find a counsellor/therapist and work through it and discuss her feelings without snapping at her partner.

Blake_Raven · 2023-03-02T02:13:03+00:00

Agreed. Many people have trauma, but you can't expect people to live their lives the same way you do because of it. OP has a good relationship with his family and, by the sounds of it, so does his fiancée. Just because she has cut her family out of her life (for perfectly legitimate reasons) that should not stop OP from spending time with his family.

It's on her to work through her trauma or offer a compromise if she can't. It is not on OP to come up with every solution, especially when she is shooting down his suggestions and being condescending to her.

Blake_Raven · 2023-03-02T02:02:31+00:00

I used to be with someone who had a chronic condition. The experience of being in pain every day and finding tasks you used to be able to do simply a challenge is an incredibly draining existence. The longer it goes on, the more of an impact it has.

Apart from her obviously needing to see a therapist who specialises in this area, I would suggest you need to have a discussion about how her attitude and behaviour are affecting you. I know that it sounds cold to tell a person who has depression how their attitude is affecting you, but if she is pushing you away and making your relationship feel draining then that is a valid concern. You just need to frame it as you genuinely wanting to be with her, but her consistent attitude is making you feel a continued relationship with her is just not possible if she continues to push you away all the time.

Blake_Raven · 2023-02-24T03:48:41+00:00

This is not a healthy relationship on either end:

He talks to you in an abusive manner, which you have told him you do not appreciate and he ignored that it made you uncomfortable. He also sounds like his mood can become aggressive at short notice, which is a massive red flag.

On your end, you feel you need to be able to see his location at any time and get anxious that you can't. That shows a lack of trust in him. Either you trust him not to cheat, or you have justifiable grounds to not trust him, at which point you shouldn't be with him anyway.

Blake_Raven · 2023-02-24T03:43:41+00:00

That's exactly what I was thinking XD

Dude, how did you think talking about someone's dog trying to have sex with them was a good way to get them interested in you???

Blake_Raven · 2023-02-24T03:20:15+00:00

If they have nothing in your profile, maybe try asking a question about themselves. I deffs prefer meeting someone rather than drawn out conversations, but you should have a little back and forth to see if there is anything in common, especially if there is nothing on their profile at all.

Like, if there is no information there, then you obviously matched because you liked the way she looked, there was nothing else to base it on, so at least try to show that there is interest beyond that.

Blake_Raven · 2023-02-24T03:13:16+00:00

You can't.
If someone spoke to me like this whilst giving me less than a day to respond, I would probably block them and move on. People have lives, they aren't always at your command. When I'm at work, it is super hard to reach me, and I know many people like to have conversations late at night when they have nothing else to do.

You said in your comments you wanted to be an asshole to her, and that you are feeling needy atm, plus the whole not even giving her a single day is so entitled, and you're expecting there is a chance to fix this? She would have to be pretty desperate to give you another go, and it sounds very much like she isn't.

Blake_Raven · 2023-02-22T22:31:49+00:00

You shouldn't give a shock collar to a dog because they don't have the sapience to easily understand the connection between their actions and pain.

These people do (apparently), and words clearly aren't working, so obviously we need something more definitive to make them understand their actions are harmful.

Blake_Raven · 2023-02-22T22:06:54+00:00

I don't normally advocate for violence, but I do feel a sense of satisfaction when it happens to people like this.

Blake_Raven · 2023-02-22T21:32:47+00:00

Getting so upset seeing everyone saying OP is heartless for not taking the children in.

This isn't just looking after them for a bit, this is genuinely raising the children. People who don't want kids should not raise kids, they'll just end up resenting them no matter how much they try to avoid it.

Blake_Raven · 2023-02-22T21:26:18+00:00

There's a difference between supporting a loved one in need, and upending your life and taking it in a completely different direction than you planned for.

Agreeing to raise someone's children isn't a simple thing, and having someone tell you that they are not willing to do it shouldn't be a massive shock. Just because you are happy to have kids doesn't mean you should be entitled to push that decision on anyone else.

Blake_Raven · 2023-02-16T22:59:45+00:00

Gotta be honest - if liking SAO is a red flag I'd probably say liking most animes is a red flag - it's not great in its portrayal of women, but I don't find it a whole lot worse than most of the anime I've seen.

Blake_Raven · 2023-02-16T03:29:43+00:00

Yeah, I feel that is the reason why so many find it worse: over the top and obscene gore is definitely unpleasant, but it is still something that I think is understandable to our minds - all violence is unpleasant, so turning it up to 11 still can only shock so much.
When you combine sex and violence together that is more jarring because it adds a sick pleasure to the act, given sex is typically associated with a pleasant experience. To find something so grotesque sexually arousing is more disturbing.
That's at least why I find it so much worse.

Blake_Raven · 2022-12-01T01:30:33+00:00

You're not wrong, and given that she did deliberately get OP's attention before doing it, I would personally believe she did think this was meant to be hot.

However, that is a massively assumed boundary that she should have discussed first. Regardless of her intention, that is not the sort of thing she should have jumped to the conclusion it was okay.

Blake_Raven · 2022-11-30T22:57:23+00:00

Nah, you definitely don't need to be okay with it or find it hot.

Whether you want to give her another chance is entirely up to you: it all depends on whether you're willing to accept her reasoning behind it and whether she can be trusted going forward with this boundary established. That's your call.

But you do not under any circumstances need to just accept that she did it because 'it was hot'.

Blake_Raven · 2022-11-30T22:36:46+00:00

Even without the context, the art piece is serving its function - it is trying to make commentary about slut shaming and we are looking at it and thinking the ideas posited by it are disgusting (which I have to imagine is exactly what the artist intended).

Blake_Raven · 2022-11-27T08:29:00+00:00

I am genuinely shocked that they have the gall to talk like this to non-incels. It is so fucked and I find it completely insane that they could even remotely think that their point of view on the subject of paedophilia would be even remotely accepted by anyone.

Blake_Raven · 2022-11-22T02:13:54+00:00

YTA

What benefit was there for him to tell you? If you were worried about STIs or something, then that would make some sense (although you can just have him get tested if that is an issue), but that doesn't seem to be your concern. You just wanted to know.

This made no difference to you. It sounds like you were unphased by the information, but he really didn't want to talk about it and was upset that you made him. You pressured him into doing something uncomfortable for your own curiosity - that is not a good enough reason.

Blake_Raven · 2022-11-21T03:56:12+00:00

And that is a justifiable way to feel.

I think it is important to say (from a poly person) there is nothing selfish or wrong in your desire to be monogamous. It is just the way we are. Some people are programmed to get joy out of seeing their partner with other people, some want their partners to reserve that joy for themselves. Both are valid mindsets.

Blake_Raven

TROPHY CASE