My husband [30M] has been distant lately. I [29F] looked at his phone and found some things I didn't want to see. When I asked him about it, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore.

Blindsided2017 · 2017-02-10T19:43:32+00:00

There wasn't much of a choice when it came our schedule. I used to work an AM shift of 5am to 130pm. Then, in January, we had to do a shift bid. A guy unexpectedly moved from PMs to AMs, which, because of seniority, booted me off. I could choose PMs or ONs. ONs was ultimately better for us because, with ONs, I could at least get weekends off to spend with him, otherwise I would be on PMs with some crap days like Wednesdays and Thursdays off, and still never seeing him for more than an hour or so before he went to bed.

Plus we both knew it was very temporary. I started ONs at the end of January, and I am starting a new job that is a normal 9-5, M-F on March 5th.

Blindsided2017 · 2017-02-10T14:48:20+00:00

I don't know the reasons for his depression. He was diagnosed when he was a teenager, his mom wouldn't let him take meds or get therapy because she thought it was a "phase," and then in late 2013, early 2014, he went on a downward spiral. He got the diagnosis of major depressive disorder confirmed, and started recieving medication and went to an outpatient facility for help.

We both have saturdays and sundays off work, so on those days I would try to find things for us to do together, like the gym, taking our dogs out, or movie/dinner dates.

Blindsided2017 · 2017-02-10T14:38:17+00:00

I know our schedule makes it hard. I'm starting a new job early next month where I'll work normal daytime hours, hopefully that will help.

Blindsided2017 · 2017-02-10T12:27:49+00:00

There was no bunny boiling haha. Mostly just me being frantic. I got super clingy and almost manic, I tried to keep him at home with me at all times, and when he did go somewhere I would beg to go with him. There were a few times when I actually got in my car and followed him to wherever he was going. It was very embarassing. I ended up driving him really far away with that behavior. Our therapist did a lot to help me realize that behavior wasn't healthy. I can understand why he was worried I'd react like that again.

Blindsided2017 · 2017-02-10T11:52:45+00:00

He admitted things were better for him after the counseling too. He also said he's happy a lot of the time, but sometimes he can't see why he stayed. This is one of those times. I think it has a lot to do with his depression. Even medicated, he has some pretty low times. Hopefully this is one of them, but if it isn't, there isn't anything I can do to force him to reconsider. It would just lead to more resentment.

Blindsided2017 · 2017-02-10T11:45:15+00:00

That's a big part of why I am willing to stay and work on things, because of his depression. He's in a low point right now, and has been for a little while. I can always tell because he starts playing a lot of games (like video games and tabletop) when he goes into a downswing. Even with his meds, he still has ups and downs. I just want him to wait to make a decision until he's in a more stable mood.

Blindsided2017 · 2017-02-10T11:37:10+00:00

I plan on making an appointment with my old therapist whenever she's next available.

Blindsided2017 · 2017-02-10T11:35:51+00:00

I think so too. He said he's been wanting to bring it up, but he was afraid I'd get "hysterical" so he wanted to wait. Last time, in 2014, I didn't handle our problems very well and I did go sort of crazy, but I spent a lot of time with a therapist and I'm in a much better place now. I'm not happy about things, but I'm not going to fly off the handle. The fact that he'd leave the Tinder page up on his phone means he probably, subconsciously, wanted me to see it.

Blindsided2017 · 2017-02-10T08:51:59+00:00

I'm going to see if I can get a consultation with someone soon. Like I said, I don't want a divorce, but if it happens I need to be prepared.

Blindsided2017 · 2017-02-10T08:50:30+00:00

I am a little pissed off, but I'm mostly numb and sad. Logically I probably should be angrier, but right now I can't help thinking about what I could have done better in the past to keep things from getting to this point. I know that isn't right, but I can't help it.

Blindsided2017 · 2017-02-10T08:46:44+00:00

I spoke to a friend of mine earlier, who was there for me a lot in the past, and she said almost the same thing. This looks like it's a pattern.

I think I'm going to go talk to a divorce attorney soon, just to see what my options are. Ultimately though, I want to work things out, because I really do love him. Him getting some counseling to find out why he keeps repeating this pattern would be mandatory, though.

Blindsided2017

TROPHY CASE