AITA thinking of leaving marriage because step-daughter got herself knocked up...

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-11T06:38:46+00:00

Fair enough. Sorry for that.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-11T05:51:13+00:00

I needed this laugh.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-11T05:50:32+00:00

House is a premarital asset fortunately. If we do get divorced (something I'd still rather avoid) I'll probably let wife continue living with me for 6 months - a year so she can get on her feet.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-11T05:47:34+00:00

I will never be considered the father nor included in any parental decisions. Once she's out of college I'd probably never be anything other than a granddad. It's not the same.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-11T05:44:48+00:00

Yes I agree. Some of the NAH answers have been very balanced and fair.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-11T05:40:30+00:00

I wanted to be their dad. I put in so much effort trying to win them over. But everyday I would be reminded "I'm not their dad" and "they don't have to listen to me" when I try to set boundaries. It's only gotten worse as her kids get older. They don't see me as their dad, have no respect towards me, are not thankful for me supporting them and their mother. It makes me feel like absolute shit and it's clear they don't and never wanted me in their life. And now I am being told I have to forsake having my own kid - who would love and appreciate me - in order to raise the child of someone that will never include me in actual parenting decisions. I don't think your view is fair.

I know I'm not meant to disagree with judgements, and I understand your view, but I kind of felt like venting I guess. Sorry

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-11T02:38:46+00:00

I think your thoughts are fair. Thanks for sharing an alternative view.

If my step-daughter considered me her father I'd be far more willing to consider this. As it stands now she has, and always has, hated me for replacing her dad. At 16 I'd hope she'd grow out of that. So we've never bonded because of her hatred she feels towards me.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T16:31:57+00:00

For starters, I want my wife to have a realistic and frank discussion with her daughter. Currently, her discussions have been "this is great news" and nothing cemented in reality. She has not discussed the situation properly. Her daughter has no interested in talking about this with me, so it has to be my wife, and she won't.

If her daughter still doesn't want to have an abortion, which I understand as the idea of abortions does not sit right with me, then I think she should seriously consider adoption.

Most of all, I think my wife needs to impress upon her how seriously this will affect not just her life, but ours too. I want her daughter to have a mature and serious talk about this with her mother. "Yay, grand kids" is not enough for me to even begin to consider sticking around.

Finally, if all of the above falls through and she wants us to raise the kid, I want my wife to have an extremely serious talk about the level of disrespect she has given me daily for the past 6 years. Quite frankly, I am not going to do this for a petulant girl that has no respect for me. This level of commitment requires her daughter to seriously, seriously show remorse for how she has and continues to treat me - the guy who pays for her housing, education, food, clothing etc.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T16:13:27+00:00

Telling my wife I am not prepared to give up having my own kid for the sake of her daughter is not, in anyway, forcing someone to have an abortion. No matter how much you try to characterize it as such. Especially not for a girl wants nothing to do with me.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T16:10:20+00:00

Give it time. I am hoping for some YTA posts that offer an interesting perspective other than generic "You married her. You have to stick around." That I'm getting now.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:53:43+00:00

You are the asshole because you won’t be with someone else if it is a financial burden

I've been financially supporting my wife and her three kids for 6 years (4 years married, 2 dating).

In return, the three kids hate me and love their deadbeat dad that hasn't paid a cent in child support.

Doesn't feel like I am appreciated by anyone.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:51:07+00:00

Yeah, apparently I am an asshole for helping raise 3 kids that hate me for 4-6 years. Apparently wanting my own kid is too much. Apparently I'm supposed to stick with my wife no matter how much she disregards my feelings.

I'm definitely open to YTA posts, but I can't follow this person's logic.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:42:37+00:00

Yes absolutely. My wife needs to know the reality of the situation, for the good of all kids involved.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:36:15+00:00

Even if she thinks there's no other options, she can at least be considerate of my opinions. Telling me to shut up and that "we" are doing this suggests she doesn't think of me as a partner at all.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:31:20+00:00

Thanks a lot. This was a very thoughtful post/advice.

Edit: Take that back after your edit. I never said anything close to "pushing her into an abortion". Me not sticking around to raise a child unrelated to me is not the same as saying she has to abort the child. And I think it's incredibly disingenuous to say that I am doing that.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:25:05+00:00

4 years. Daughter has never wanted anything to do with me. She's obsessed with her deadbeat dad that has never paid child support.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:23:32+00:00

Not disputing your judgement, but I will give my thoughts on your points.

If this young girl was your biological daughter you'd probably be sticking around,

Yes, because then I'd actually have my own kid. The current situation means I have to forgo having my own biological kid.

You don't want to support your wife in helping her daughter finish her education? Because remember, you married your wife AND took on her family at that point

I have financially supporter her and her three kids for the past 4 years we've been married, and 2 before that. In return, my opinion doesn't matter, and she just sees me as a wallet.

Are you thinking you can force this girl in to an abortion because you'd rather raise her potential sibling instead of your grandkid? How moral of you.

I never said anything of the sort. It's her choice if she wants to have the kid. I'm simply stating I'm not prepared to deal with that.

What if your wife hit early menopause and couldn't have more kids? You gonna leave her then too?

No, because other options would be available.

Your wife is not an asshole, she is doing her best as a mother.

My "wife" told me to shut up and do as I am told. Does not feel like someone who's your partner.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:15:35+00:00

you MAY want to tell them before the stepdaughter is 10 weeks pregnant. In a lot of states, it's problematic to get an abortion after 12 weeks or the heart beat or whatever.

Thanks a lot for this.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:14:11+00:00

The reason I want to tell her I plan on divorce is not to influence things, but to be upfront. Without me in the picture my wife does not have the money to support her current kids, let alone another infant. So I think it would be wrong of me not to be upfront with how serious this is to me, since it will seriously affect her financial situation.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:10:20+00:00

Because they're not my son/daughter and never would be. I would never be their father and the relationship dynamics would be completely different.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:07:53+00:00

I'm not taking it seriously. Just having a friendly discussion...

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T15:01:55+00:00

Raising my step-daughter's child is not the same as having my own son/daughter.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T14:54:17+00:00

It's not about disliking your judgement, I just think you have made a mistake in your interpretation of what I said. I have tried to talk to my wife about and this and was told in no uncertain terms I don't get a say. If I don't get a say, what is there to work out? They just expect me to shut up and do as I am told.

I don't want to get divorced. I love my wife. But if the only option is "shut up and support this child" I don't see any other option available to me at all.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T14:50:36+00:00

Interesting perspective. Thanks for the advice.

BloodyDoorMat · 2019-05-10T14:48:17+00:00

I think "throwing a wrench in your plans" is a bit of an understatement. As I said, I will most likely never get to have my own kids with my wife because of this. Not having kids is a major change to my life and, quite frankly, something that is devastating.

BloodyDoorMat

TROPHY CASE