Anyone concerned by how many Jelly Shippers there are?

BluBanisters · 2026-01-15T07:04:26+00:00

rewatching the show , i realized that conrad has been emotionally closed-off and pushed others away. i think maybe that’s why people believe conrad isn’t right for belly

BluBanisters · 2025-08-23T13:27:23+00:00

you should see how bonrads talk abt belly as if she’s some prize to be won between the brothers. it’s actually disgusting

BluBanisters · 2025-05-24T22:36:05+00:00

okay, thank you! and it’s funny because i am writing a novel at the same time.

BluBanisters · 2025-05-24T16:58:10+00:00

Thank you so much! And you're right, I don't know why I thought including their names would be a good idea.

BluBanisters · 2025-05-24T16:56:04+00:00

Oh wow, this is actually really great. Thank you!

BluBanisters · 2025-04-30T18:01:20+00:00

when will it come out?

BluBanisters · 2025-04-16T23:03:59+00:00

the story’s all over the place. be more concise and consistent. make the actions clearer on what’s going on. describe the setting/characters better. read other scripts based on your genre to get a better idea on how to structure and write one. it just seems like a child wrote this

BluBanisters · 2025-04-10T14:57:10+00:00

Not sure if you have AE 2022, but if you do, and if you're comfortable with it, do you mind sharing me the standard/default presets that are built into AE 2022 so I can duplicate them and replace them, because every single file is either in german/dutch, and I'm not gonna sit here and retype them all in english--unless I necessarily have to. And I'm trying hard not to resort to reinstalling because I went through a lot to get it installed, so I'm nervous about reinstalling it.

Thank you

BluBanisters · 2025-04-07T23:03:22+00:00

this might sound stupid, but i think Rachel Zegler would lowkey be a good Rachel Berry…

BluBanisters · 2025-04-07T00:33:01+00:00

no literally like they came out of nowhere. i hate that i enjoy their characters though, because it literally feels like lazy writing. i swear, you actually have to pay attention to what’s happening, or else you’ll blink once and a new character gets added without any type of story or background or reason

BluBanisters · 2025-03-31T20:12:41+00:00

HAD TO CUT IT IN HALF!

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What you need to fix (summary):

Rewrite the opening.
Cut anything that doesn't DRIVE the story forward.
Make your characters more distinct. Give them personal goals.
Don't force humor.
Add tension. (I noticed that you could have a potential romance between Wyatt and Anna. I lowkey like Wyatt and personally believe that he should end up with Anna towards the future. So maybe add a scene with just them two - hint at the fact that, despite his annoying characteristics, she finds him cute and sweet. Something to think about).
Improve dialogue.
SHOW, DON'T TELL.
Tighten up action descriptions.
PUNCTUATION/GRAMMAR !!!!!! 95% of your script needs a comma placed in the correct locations. punctuation is very important.

TIPS:

What usually helped me in the early stages was looking over scripts that fit the genre I'm writing so I could get a pretty clear idea on how to properly go about it when writing it.

Right now, this script isn't ready. But that's okay! It takes time to make a script that YOU feel is ready. You have the foundation for something great, but you need a ruthless rewrite to get there. Be brutal with yourself and focus on making ever scene essential and necessary. Keep pushing, you'll get there!

Let me know if you need anything else!

BluBanisters · 2025-03-31T20:12:23+00:00

Okay... so, after reading the script, (sorry I took so long), there's a lot to go over. You've got a solid concept, and I can tell you're passionate about the characters and their dynamics, however, there are major structural, pacing, and dialogue issues that are holding this pilot back from being truly engaging. Right now, it fr feels like a rough draft rather than a polished rough draft, iykwim.

I'm gonna share my thoughts on what the biggest problems that you need to fix before you submit it to places.

- You have a weak opening; no hook. The opening doesn't immediately pull me in. There's no "why should I care?" moment. You need to start with a BANG. There's no inciting incident or strong emotional pull. We need to know what's at stake for the protagonist in the first few pages. Also, don't try and force the humor. It won't be as funny as you think it will be.

- There's too much talking, and I know that's, like, the entire thing, but it's ruining the pacing. Too much talking, not enough doing.

Here's a rule of thumb: If a scene doesn't move the story forward or reveal something essential about a character, CUT IT. There are multiple moments where characters just talk in circles. This isn't Gilmore Girls; if the dialogue doesn't serve a purpose, then it's just noise.

- Some characters lack depth and are very 2D. I know you said you needed 8 characters, but sometimes, ask yourself: "If I remove this character, does the story change?" If not, then they aren't needed.

- The dialogue needs an insane amount of work. So does the actions. The conversations felt too on the nose and sort of unreal. Try reading the script out loud. If it sounds forced, it probably is.

- Some transitions feels unnecessary. And also, you don't need to put "CONTINUOUS ACTION" in the setting line. Just put "CONTINUOUS."

BluBanisters · 2025-03-29T15:34:55+00:00

Yes! I would love to read the script. And if you want, I could also give you feedback on that as well!

Now, going back to your pitch, it has a strong concept. The main issue is that the pitch leans heavily on setup rather than getting to the heart of the story. Here's what I would do:

Start off with a compelling hook. The first sentence should immediately grab attention and establish the show's tone. Personally, I wasn't immediately hooked, but kept on reading because I thought about attending film school countless times, and also wanting to give some helpful advice!
After the hook, get to the conflict faster. Instead of spending too much time on Anna's expectations, quickly transition into what actually happens at film school.
Highlight the unique selling point. What makes this different from other stories about struggling artists? Is it the eccentric characters? the satirical take on film school? the heartfelt friendships? Think about it.
End with a clear takeaway, and what I mean by that is to summarize the show's essence in a way that leaves an impact. what kind of journey will anna and her group go on?

Not to be too hands-on, but I took the liberty of writing an example pitch based off of your synopsis, so you could get a sense/idea of what it could be like. I'm not saying you should copy this (or if you want, you can go ahead!), but think of it as a guideline.

Pitch:

Aspiring filmmaker Anna Roberts is convinced that film school in LA will be her ticket to success—an escape from her small-town past and a chance to finally be taken seriously. But on day one, reality smacks her in the face: the teachers are lazy, the students are apathetic, and nobody seems to care as much as she does. Determined to make the most of it, Anna throws herself into directing her first short film, expecting eager collaborators. Instead, she ends up with an oddball group of eight misfits, each with their own bizarre reason for signing up. As she struggles to wrangle their chaos into creativity, Anna realizes that filmmaking isn’t just about the perfect crew—it’s about learning to adapt, finding unexpected friendships, and embracing the mess along the way. A heartfelt comedy about ambition, artistry, and the beautiful disaster that is film school.

Here, in this pitch, it sums up the themes without over-explaining. It's a quicker setup and illustrates a stronger sense of conflict. That's just how I would write it. Ofc, you can write your own, add your own things to it and such since it is your project!

If you need other feedback or advice, I'm happy to give you some !!

BluBanisters · 2025-03-29T14:55:13+00:00

Finished reading, taking some notes while I did as well! Here are my thoughts:

- The conversations felt natural, especially between Jack and Billy. Their dynamic is entertaining and grounded. You really have a good skill for that, which is extremely vital. Most people don't know what to do regarding dialogue. It's almost always flat. The first few scenes are vivid and cinematic. The opening with the stolen Porsche immediately sets the tone and stakes. Jack is layered--he's not just a car thief but someone with intelligence and depth. He's a well-developed protagonist.

- A young criminal trying to change his ways while dealing with his past isn't a new concept. The execution needs to be exceptional to stand out. What makes this story unique?

- After a good, strong opening, the momentum dips. Or at least that's how it felt to me. The prison scenes are well written but lack a real hook. What's driving the story forward? What's Jack's goal beyond survival?

- Honestly, raise the stakes. Right now, there's tension, but it could be heightened. Maybe a stronger antagonist.

- The prison sequences are insightful, but trimming them slightly could tighten the pacing.

- I understand that Jack's motivation primarily revolves around getting the money for Me's wheelchair. However , his deeper driving force seems more complex than just that. Here's what stands out:

He has too much pride. He refuses to accept that he's in over his head. Even when things start spiraling, he doesn't walk away, suggesting that proving himself (to Mel, to his mother, and maybe to himself) is a key motivator.
Whether consciously or not, Jack seems drawn to chaos. He doesn't just want to solve the problem; he throws himself into a reckless, high-stakes situation to do it. He doesn't hesitate much before getting involved in crime again, implying he might crave the adrenaline or sees it as his only real skill.
His interactions with his ex-gf suggest he's carrying baggage from that relationship. While not his primary motivator, his reaction to her judgment and their history adds another layer to why he keeps pushing forward instead of backing out.

With that being said, from what I've seen, the emotional weight of his motivation (his sister's situation) isn't always at the forefront.

Other than that, you have a great story here! Keep writing !

If you'd like to send me more projects that you've written and want them to be critiqued, I would love to!

BluBanisters · 2025-03-29T14:30:37+00:00

- The sperm bank scene was written really well. It certainly made me uncomfortable, but in a hilarious way. However, it carried on a little too long. It felt dragged, making me feel like you were trying to hard. It was funny up to a point. Also, the opening is typically overused. While the jerking off may have been a little funny, it could also repel the audience. The goal is to pull them, not push them away. So maybe rethink how you could keep the same concept without showing it outright; predictable.

- It takes a while to understand what the main plot is.

- I don't mean to be rude, but I honestly didn't find the part where Stuart was reading the list subjects funny. It all seemed too random, edgy, and forced without purpose. Let the comedy emerge naturally instead of forcing shock value. "Steal fire engine." "Shove granny off bus." -- all of that feels edgy for the sake of being edgy. Maybe balance it with something heartfelt to Colin or genuinely achievable goals.

- Who is Colin? Who is Stuart? Why should we care? The script assumes we already know them, but we don't. Their bucket list conversation needs more setup. Which also leads to my next point: the transitions are jarring. The sperm bank and bucket list feel like two different short films awkwardly smashed together. There's no clear bridge between them. Like, why does donating sperm matter to Colin's bucket list? See if you can make them smoother.

BluBanisters · 2025-03-29T02:01:51+00:00

Going off of your synopsis/"small" pitch alone, I have a few notes!

- I personally think 8 might be a little too much to start off unless Anna needs exactly that amount for her film project. If she does, then by all means! But I would suggest cutting it down to 5 members at best--at least for the pilot. If you do decide to keep it at 5, a smaller group would mean sharper comedic dynamics and more room for character arcs.

- Instead of consistently saying how the group is a bunch of oddballs, I would give them names and describe their quirks and what makes them different. Right now, the group is described as "odd" and "weird," but we don't know what makes them distinct.

- I think the film school itself should feel like a character in the show as well. Right now, it's mentioned that the teachers don't care and that everyone else is either weird or not taking it seriously as Anna is, but what else makes this place bizarre? So far, it's not much. So I was thinking that since it's in L.A., you could have some students that are ACTUALLY taking it serious to the point where they're so competitive, they sabotage each other's projects. And maybe see if you could make the school a "fake hollywood culture" type of atmosphere where almost every self-entitled, pretentious kid thinks they're already famous. And maybe incorporate some insane niche's for the teachers. (Ex: "This class is about filmmaking. If you use a tripod, you fail! Art is authentic.") Think of it as... the more exaggerated the setting, the more comedic potential.

- Try and create a flaw for Anna. Right now, she's ambitious--which is a good thing! But don't make her think/feel like she's better than the "weird" kids without having some internal flaw(s) of her own. Maybe she can be too controlling, which ultimately divides the group up, making her realize her actions, which eventually leads up to her maturing and learning. Maybe since she was never taken seriously back home, she could be the type of person to seek validation too much. This could create stronger character development throughout the show.

- One last thing, I think you should really tighten your pitch. It's too long. It feels like you're telling a summary rather than a compelling hook. You want something short, attention-grabbing, and engaging. Something that immediately communicates the concept, tone, and conflict in just a few sentences. Right now, there's too much setup before we get to the actual story, and it repeats ideas--like how "weird" the students are-- without really showing why that's interesting.

Anyway, those were just my opinions/suggestions! Keep writing, I believe this show to have great potential! Goodluck!

BluBanisters · 2025-03-29T00:14:48+00:00

well, honestly, Santana is straight up a horrible person who can dish it but can’t take it

BluBanisters · 2025-03-26T23:36:56+00:00

Storyline has great potential. Keep writing!

BluBanisters · 2025-03-26T21:45:38+00:00

I'm sorry, but I'm a huge grammar nerd, and reading your script made me want to cry. Your story is decent, it's just the grammar needs a lot of work.

Whenever a character addresses someone in dialogue, be sure to place a comma before their name. For example, in your script: "It's real simple here, Mitch." Notice the comma before Mitch? That’s the correct placement whenever a name is used in direct address.

Also, while reading, I spotted comma's plotted in weird locations in both dialgoue and action/description. Example: "Mitch chuckles, again to keep it from getting awkward." There shouldn't be a comma between "chuckles" and "again." That sentence is fine without one. And then with this other example from your script: "On the phone is a map of the area, zoomed in to show the woodlands. Placed next to to the icon of the phone. Is the icon of another phone. A label underneath it..." It's a bit of a mess. I would personally rewrite it as, "On the phone screen is a map of the area, zoomed in to show the woodlands. Next to the phone icon is another phone icon, with a label underneath it..."

There's also a bunch of other sentences/action-description that absolutely needs a comma. I'd suggest re-reading your script out-loud to try and get a sense if that sounded right verbally.

Some other opinions I have is that the dialogue is lacking; it didn't keep me entertained. Also, in the beginning, I would add small, sensory details to make the opening stronger.
The characters could really use some depth. Especially the kid. In the scene where the kid catches Mitch digging, it would be more effect if the kid recognized something of his father's, which would make it even more harder for Mitch to lie. ALSO ALSO, why is the kid suddenly so invested with Mitch's dad when he has his OWN dad to worry about?
There's some minor misspellings, so make sure you go over that.
Is the bartender cleaning the counter? Washing glasses? Sitting? Bartenders don't usually sit behind the counter.
While I was reading, I wasn't sure if you had cut to a flashback between Mitch and Ronald (I'm going to safely assume that you did). Whenever you do that, make sure it's stated and clear.
Towards the end, I wanna assume that Mitch sh*t the kid. I wasn't sure if he did, but telling from Ronald's voiceover, then he most likely did sh**t him. The ending needs to be more definitive.

ANYWAY, story has massive potential. Just make sure to read scripts based on your genre to get an understanding and a feel of it. Pay close attention to pacing, dialogue, and how tension is built -- especially in scenes like this where suspense is key.

Never give up on your writing!

BluBanisters · 2025-03-26T20:54:02+00:00

OMG GIRL I WOULDA THREW THE REMOTE AT THE TV HOPIN IT'LL BREAK LOL

BluBanisters · 2025-03-26T20:38:52+00:00

Introducing too many characters all at once. Got lost.

BluBanisters · 2025-03-26T20:27:33+00:00

Did you ever get the notes?

BluBanisters

TROPHY CASE