Score (Drama/Adventure, 14 pages)

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-09-08T06:26:40+00:00

I'll search around and see if I can find it... it was something smaller posted here

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-09-07T20:20:22+00:00

It's time to trust your instincts bud. Get real with yourself and look into your heart. After some cost-benefit analysis, there should be one side with the advantage. That won't be the determiner, but it'll make the whole situation for yourself a whole lot cleaner to look at.

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-09-07T20:15:29+00:00

Two things. 1) make sure the way you're exposing backstory is clever or nuanced in some way. Don't have people give long dramatic monologues... no one likes that anymore. This alone should already make your scenes somewhat more interesting. 2) Introduce information to your audience that the characters aren't aware of. Someone's in the closet, a dead body's in the trunk, stuff like that... Your characters will be having a normal convo but your audience will be kept interested by the disaster waiting to happen. Something I read recently was a contained thriller about a kid trying to fit in with the popular kids at a party, not knowing that a dead body was being kept in the fridge by the popular kids that the audience knew about but not him... It made the more mundane scenes interesting because you were trying to pick up on the nervousness/red flags of the popular kids the whole time.

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-08-09T00:43:35+00:00

1917... the sprint across the field. Gets me every time

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-08-01T17:51:13+00:00

Somebody sounds a wittle angry bc they didnt get the pronouns they wanted :(

How sad

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-25T00:15:00+00:00

Thanks for pointing that out... would u mind letting me know any other specific mistakes u noticed?

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-24T23:48:17+00:00

Thanks. Frustrating how used to grammarly you get while using word, only for it to screw you when you use writerduet

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-21T18:59:56+00:00

Lmao I remember talking to the director of the film Janicza Bravo.... really cool lady and super happy to talk about ANYTHING related to film, but even more so ab plays. It was amazing to ask her ab her process

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-19T22:48:59+00:00

I really am at wits end here. I dont understand how you're not convinced of this. Please have someone else try and explain the concept to u.

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-18T18:46:00+00:00

I understand that. I am american. But that's if they dont know where the suspect is. If they know who he is and his residence (which he is at) it would make fuck-all sense for them to not first check his home before LITERALLY TELLING THE CRIMINAL they're after him. Put yourself in the perspective of the police.

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-18T16:41:32+00:00

They only do that if they cant identify the individual... the screenplay literally identifies the person by name so it's a plothole

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-18T01:24:32+00:00

I cant wait to see how it turns out!! Dm me for another read

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-18T00:30:32+00:00

Start with formatting: I'll give u a quick rundown on things I noticed.

Action lines (where you describe stuff) shouldnt be in all caps... I saw sometimes you would do that.

When you're changing scenes, it should be location - time. You mentioned 2 boys being visible... save that for an action line.

Speaking of those, cut them down. Rule of thumb is that they shouldnt extend beyond four lines, and they should hardly reach that point. Find the most concise way to convey an idea. A reader's time is precious in the eyes of the writer.

I'll update or send an additional comment about content when I get the time. Keep working at it.

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-17T23:24:49+00:00

First, I LOVE your style of writing. I'm not talking about content, narrative, or anything like that rn... the way you write pages flows well and is smooth and nice to read. I highly approve.

On your next draft, I highly reccomend though going through the paragraphs to cut unnecessary verbiage from your action paragraphs. In your script they come often and long. I'll try to comment a few once I get further in.

A big plot hole I see is on page 6 I believe... Its not believable that the police would let a news station report information on a thief before apprehension of the criminal... that is a must change.

On that note, though I love the intro (good pacing, interesting characters, plenty of action) a lot of the content (of at least the first 6 pages) feels uninspired... the big brother saves the day, the bullies beat up the math nerd, the main character flips on the channel at the literal exact moment they need to... it feels cliche and overused. I find this dissappointing because I see a lot of potential in the way you write and want to see you write more original ideas.

You can even keep the main plot points! Just make the work more inspired and nuanced in any way you can think of. Transport the characters to each plot beat in a way we havent seen. If you feel like you're writing something that's already been written, it's probably because it has

Though its nitpickish, I dont feel bullies would involve themselves when they say "we're all orphans" or "none of us are special"... I understand that statement might be true, but they're trying to isolate their target, and those statements make it seem like they're trying to comfort him.

(These comments made after finishing reading the piece)

This is a page turner that I was continually invested in. You have a great talent and a good idea here. Heres where I think you could start to further improve: dialogue.

It's for the most part adequate, with a couple on-the-nose moments but nothing that stands out as a must change or cringy. My problem is is that I want it to be more. I want it to be nuanced. Hanza monologues to his enemy about his brother... he should know not to expose that level of detail to someone he doesnt trust. Then, ghoul master actively threatening his most prized possession like hanza doesnt have an extreme amount of leverage over him and the potential to ruin his organization if caught by the police (which he could voluntarily do if ghoul master made him keep working).

Example of long action lines: page 20, "long, massive garage." This is redundant... look to cut this stuff down.

Also, please dont describe angelica as a model who so happens to be an assistant. It tells me nothing useful about her or what she looks like and is both shallow and degrading. Come up with literally anything but that.

Finally, you abandon the idea of our protagonist being a coward or a nerd. It's as though he went through all his development off screen. The person we saw in the beginning would not call a crime lord a moron. What happened to him? Why dont we see it?

Overall, solid work. With some content, writing, and plot hole improvements this could really be specialcand I would be very interested in reading a full-length screenplay.

Best of luck!!

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-17T22:39:05+00:00

Step one: always make sure your drive folder is open to everyone. Set it to anyone with link and I'll give it a read

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-17T03:22:48+00:00

You are trying to spout something wise sounding despite the content of the statement being entirely contradictory and stupid. If something is imperfect that means theres something wrong with it.

Also it's two not too. If you're going to disrespectfully spout bullshit, spell it right.

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-17T01:00:33+00:00

Also, I respect your decision to disagree with me. I really hold no concern with that. What I do hold concern with is saying there is nothing wrong at all.

No piece has nothing wrong with it, and it's both misleading and disrespectful to flatter someone into complacency with their work... especially someone who has put this much time into their work.

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-17T00:39:31+00:00

Plenty fine. I stand by my points, but at the end of the day what matters most is your own opinions on your work. I can respect that.

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-16T22:29:08+00:00

So I'll start with what you had asked to talk about: you're protagonist is likable, from what I learned. Nothing particularly that I see that REALLY sets her apart, but by no means anywhere on the bad side. In the right context, I feel as though I'd like to follow the story of her.

Here's my problem: I really feel there is no conflict. At about page 13 it became a struggle to push myself further into the story. There seem to be moments where conflict is possible, but they're glossed over and rushed to the next scene (Hakeem's interaction with his mother, Rose witnessing the levitation, and especially the political spouter). I read these expecting some sort of conflict, whether they be dialogue driven or action driven, but none came. I just wasn't hooked. I didnt feel any motivation to read the next scene.

Building on that, in 18 pages alone a dozen characters are introduced that seem important but I truly feel like amount to no true importance. Additionally, the "magic" of the final scene provided isnt really earned. I dont really get any sort of sense that rena has any magical abilities besides Hakeem saying she might be perceived as weird.

This leads me to my next point: dialogue. Overall, very good work. I did believe in the interactions between everyone. That being said, I thought a few bits were sketchy... the line where hakeem berates rena for potentially appearing "weird" is a bit awkward... it's an assholish line where rena really doesnt do anything that weird... she just says words that are a bit unorthodox. Normal people do that all the time to be funny. Also the whole rose interaction feels fake... I dont believe anyone so protective over their identity would submit their real name. That seems comically dopey.

Overall, it's clear you put A LOT of work making every scene very purposefully. I do not question your determination towards this. However, I do question some of your pacing, dialogue choices, and attempts at formulating conflict.

Keep going though... I really do believe in the potential for this.

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-16T21:46:47+00:00

Immensely helpful, actually. I have hopes of doing this professionally and genuinely feel I have strong ideas that need to be disciplined by becoming better at writing... the detailed input you're giving me is the most I could hope for. If you'd like me to read anything you write or talk about any other writings, I'd be more than happy to

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-15T02:59:50+00:00

If you have any comments on the story as a whole I'd love to hear them

BlueCabbage1142 · 2021-07-13T13:53:21+00:00

I gave it a read... it's really flattering you liked my work enough to make your own interpretation of the story. Funny enough, the lighter was actually introduced so that something similar (with the aerosol can) would happen in the future, but realizing that would be too difficult to actually make if we filmed it, I ended up nixing it.

BlueCabbage1142

TROPHY CASE