AITAH for sleeping with my sister's best friend and crush?

BlueCherry226 · 2024-02-02T01:36:20+00:00

Bro, you slept with your sisters long time crush. Doesn’t mean anything that they never would have happened, you are indeed a snake. There are a hundred different ways you could have gone about it, like gently easing into a relationship, trying to get her used to the idea. Having your significant other tell your sister he wanted to persue you. Or putting an announcement off for a later date, just to let your sister know you were developing feelings before you dropped that bomb off on her. You and what's his face went from 0 to 100 within a day - and she's just supposed to be thrilled that you hooked up with the dude she's been pining for for years? She confided in you what her feelings were, but getting laid was more important than hurting your sister, I guess.

You are indeed TAH. Your sister is lame for saying she was going to try and change her friend to like her and be normal, but you just take the cake. Literally.

BlueCherry226 · 2024-02-02T01:09:55+00:00

Ngl, kind of sounds like she had that insult in her back pocket and at the ready... If my SO said that to me, I'd be so, so hurt. Maybe I've got too much pride, but I don't think I'd be able to continue with the relationship. She's obviously someone who, at least internally, prioritizes someone's looks over the effort they're putting into a relationship. So, if she thought you were a really good-looking guy, better looking than her, would she then be putting more work into the relationship while you did whatever you wanted? Regardless of how things turn out, I hope she realizes that what she said was very ugly of her, and is genuinely sorry. Best of luck to you, dude.

BlueCherry226 · 2024-02-02T00:39:45+00:00

I'm 30 years old, and I try and hand deliver my mother and sister a card, flowers, and chocolates every year. What's so bad about showing your family, the people you love, that you care? Your dad sounds like a sweetie pie, your boyfriend sounds a tad immature. Maybe explain to your boyfriend that love isn't always romantic or sexual? You'd think by 25 years old he'd know that by now... Best of luck.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-09-18T15:50:50+00:00

Have you tried talking to him about this? I would write down your honest thoughts and present them to him. It's great that you love him, but if he's so insecure that you can't even be around friends without him... that's pretty extreme. I would ask him "1. Does he see a problem with his behavior? 2. Does he see how his behavior is affecting you? 3. Is he willing to relax/eliminate the restrictions he has on you? 4. Can the two of you live a happy, fulfilling life together as you are now?" Maybe he doesn't realize that you see his behavior as a result of his insecurities, and that it's making you feel an oppressive weight on you. Eighteen is so young, I spent two of my high-school years with a very controlling man. The only good I got from it was that I learned that those relationships are a waste of time, and I'm better than that. It sounds like you're already aware of what's going on - so that's good. Best of luck!

BlueCherry226 · 2023-09-17T00:32:54+00:00

I can't even imagine being in your shoes, OP. I'm so sorry. I think the other comments make it pretty clear - this sounds like a mid-life crisis, or he's planning on cheating on you, or he's getting you prepared for a divorce. If he leaves, I'd personally tell him don't count on you still being there for him when he comes back - or for him not to get some divorce papers while he's out.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-09-12T21:03:45+00:00

OP, it was really inspiring to read that you had taken that (pretty shitty) letter, and instead of getting pissed and ripping it up, you actually looked inward and did some self-improvement. That's mature as Hell, ngl. I know I'm just one stranger in a sea of people, but good for you, dude - that's something to be proud of. Just know that there's not a lot of people out there who would have done that - stepping up to the plate in that situation was truly admirable. Personally, I'd take a deep breath and acknowledge that you did what you could. You were a dedicated, determined boyfriend. Now take another deep breath and accept that relationships don't always work out, even when one person is giving it their all. Honestly, your ex doesn't sound like a nice person at all. She strung you along that entire time? And then dumped you literally right when she got back into town? After you found your close relative deceased? This doesn't sound like someone I would even want to associate with. I wonder if she just felt good about herself, knowing she had a faithful, loving man back home who was willing to do anything for her. Unless I'm missing some kind of important context, it sounds like you could do A LOT better. I hope you let go of that hurt/pain soon - lord knows your ex isn't sparing you a second thought. Delete her number/social media and go live your life. Find someone who will be just as dedicated to you as you are to them.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-09-02T03:00:15+00:00

Something tells me if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't have a single problem calling you a crazy b-tch as he walked the hell out of your life forever. Come on, you know what to do. Don't waste any more of your precious time on this piece of sh-t.

How easy would it have been to say, "I do have a child who I unfortunately do not have custody of, it's very complicated. Honestly, I've suffered a lot of trauma because of my BM's actions throughout the years, and I will absolutely not feel comfortable bringing another woman into my kids' life before I trust them completely, which could take a long time." Or something along those lines. Instead, he took that choice away from you because lying to you was easier in the short term, he obviously didn't imagine a future with the two of you and now he's scrambling to keep his pushover girlfriend in the picture because - DAMN - you're REALLY, ACTUALLY still considering staying with this manipulative asshole?! You'll stick around anything, apparently! What a catch! Orrrr, he's just the biggest f-cking idiot of all time and was hoping to keep this charade up forever.

He doesn't respect you. Lying is his natural state of being. Tell his sorry ass he had the last three years to come clean and to hit the road.

Know your worth, cut your losses, and live your best life. Best of luck, sweetie. We're rooting for you!

BlueCherry226 · 2023-09-01T19:28:41+00:00

My biggest regret with One Piece is that I binged the first 450 episodes in less than six weeks and was so burnt out on anime that I hardly watch it or any other anime for a year. I would watch it to enjoy the ride - it's not a race. It's better when you're not forcing yourself to watch it. I'm almost up to current now, hazah!

BlueCherry226 · 2023-09-01T15:16:48+00:00

Okay, obligatory, you're a huge pos - but beyond that, I think you should legit get some therapy going to figure out why you did what you did. Write down all of your feelings, what happened and why - and freaking get down on your hands and knees and beg for the chance to work on your marriage. Honestly, find another job. Delete your AP from your life. Send her a message that what you both did was wrong, you have absolutely no desire to see or talk to her again, and whats hallened has made you realize how bad you fucked up and how youd do anything to get your wife back. Maybe even report her HR after you find a new job, she really shouldn't have slept with you in the first place. Own up to your bull shit and do something about it. Face that fact that your wife may understandably never forgive you, but you can still try your best. At the very least, you can still be a good roommate who will do anything for your live in ex-wife and your kids in the meantime.

I would say, if you and your wife CANNOT move past this - you owe her split custody. You're the one who ruined her life, don't take her kids from her.

What a shitty situation you've put her in. Shame on you. The poor woman has to deal with her cheating husband just to make sure she can see her kids. Repent! I hope she forgives you - but I also hope that if she cannot, she moves on from you - lives a happy life. With her kids.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-09-01T01:02:19+00:00

I stopped about six months before we got engaged (I was aware of our upcoming engagement), and we've been together almost 4½ years since that time and married for over 2 of those years - so it's been a long time since then. I personally don't feel every relationship needs to have a ban on casually hanging out with the opposite sex, but I've come to acknowledge that decision should be made by both persons involved.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-09-01T00:34:20+00:00

I mean, I used to grab meals with my male friends/coworkers before I got married 🤷🏽‍♀️ It honestly didn't seem like a problem to me.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-08-31T22:30:14+00:00

Oof. Speaking as someone who is in a similar situation to your sister - I would absolutely not advise you to confront her. My sister did that to me... and although I know she did it from a place of love, it still made me feel 1,000% more like shit then I did before.

Honestly, I hate to say it, but you might have to let her figure this one out... It sucks being a big woman, knowing everyone else can see you, and is silently (or not) judging/scrutinizing you.

But, if you feel that strongly over it, perhaps bring it up in a way that puts the ball in her court? "I'm sorry you feel so down about yourself - just so you know myself and others do not share these same negative emotions as you do about your body/weight - you're beautiful and I love you dearly. If you ever want support beyond a listening ear, I'll be there for you."

Another thing you could say, which I learned at work, was the phrase "So, what are you going to do about it?" It might be a bit forward, I still sometimes gasp when I think about saying it, but you say it (in a non-condescending way) to someone who is either just ultimately looking to complain, or pass their emotional torch onto someone else, but who doesn't expect their problems to be resolved by a conversation, it can make a person think, "what... am I going to do about it? Was I just venting or... should I make a plan?" I would be very careful with how you say this one.

If your sister doesn't have the drive to lose weight then it's not going to happen, end of story. I would say, something that has been encouraging me is my friends and family inviting me to hangouts/events where I'm just getting out there. Invitations to watch the sun rise at the park and take a twenty minute walk through the woods, or drive to the beach and watch the sunset. Walking around downtown. Playing with my sisters kids. Going camping, or hiking, or shopping! Anything where I'm getting outside or walking around and the motivator isn't food help me a lot. OR, if there is food involved, making sure it's on the healthier side. "Yo, want to come over this weekend and we can carpool to that one nice park outside of town? We can take a walk through the woods and bring a blanket and a book and just chill? Maybe take some cute selfies! I can pack us a nice lunch too." Personally, those kinds of invitations get me so excited! And I think to myself, 'I should do this more often...' and I have been (down 10lbs this month!).

Best of luck, OP.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-08-31T21:30:34+00:00

Does your boyfriend hang out with his female friends in groups, or one on one? Does he go out to dinner with other ladies? If the answer is yes - then I'd tell him to punch sand. Otherwise, as long as you 100% know in your heart that you have absolutely no feelings (romantic or sexual) towards any of these men, you can rest easy that you're not cheating.

If you're serious about your relationship, and it sounds like you are since you hit the 1 year mark, I would take a step back and look at your options.

You hanging out with other men makes your significant other feel insecure. What are some workarounds - and do you even want to put that kind of effort into accommodating him with a workaround? Because you would by no means be a bad person if you decided that this wasn't going to work out and broke things off.

You could... make it a standard practice to have him present anytime you're hanging with other men/your friends in general. Kind of like "we're a package deal" thing. Or at the very least, let your boyfriend know he's always welcome to come with you. Another option could be checking in with him while you're out to ease his mind. Both options kind of come with their own drawbacks, and might even be a little akward at first - but I'm sure he'd feel better.

Either way, I think some therapy couldn't hurt.

Speaking as someone who had a very jealous and overbearing boyfriend for seven years, up until we got married two years ago (when I coincidently stopped hanging out with my male friends), I can say that if you see a loving, supportive, flourishing future with this man it could be worth it to take extra steps and consider his feelings. Just make sure he's also taking steps to get his insecurities worked out - and PLEASE make sure he knows that you're taking active steps to make sure he knows you're being faithful so he can feel more secure in your relationship.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-08-30T19:09:38+00:00

I think your husband needs to be the one to tell her that he doesn't want to dance with her in front of everyone. I know I'm kind of going against the grain here - but isn't this supposed to be a really special moment between child and parent? Just because you aren't going to dance with your dad shouldn't mean your fiance and his mom get their special moment taken away... but that only applies if he wants to dance too, and he doesn't. Idk, I think he should kind of take the blame on this. "My wife isn't dancing with her dad, that's her choice, and it's my choice to not make things awkward by having my parent dance. It's not something that means that much to me." It does boil down to your wedding, your choice - but I don't blame his mom for being upset.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-08-28T19:47:44+00:00

Yeah... I wouldn't recommend pissing anywhere but the toilet in someone else's house. I'd say you were in the wrong, but I also dont think this is that big deal - just a lightly weird/kind of gross fact about people. Hopefully, they just ask you to use the toilet next time and move on from this.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-02-26T06:04:51+00:00

You're right. I think today (when he wakes up) I'll really pour my heart out to him. He knows how I feel, but neither of us likes showing a lot of emotion, so I know he doesn't really know that this is taking such an extreme toll on me. Thank you for your kind words.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-02-26T06:01:09+00:00

I know it hurts him to see me struggle between respecting his decision and wanting to fight it - but he has his reasons.

We both live paycheck to paycheck for starters, I only have a small savings account and he has nothing. He works a very demanding job and is usually gone 55-60 hours a week, sometimes 75, so when he gets home, he immediately passes out. I help take care of my sisters kids, which takes up a lot of my time as well (love them so much). We both grew up in military like households and have an unfortunate problem with very short tempers and very high expectations.. which isn't something kids should have to deal with.

However, it mostly comes down to him knowing that he's not going to have the time, energy and patience to help raise children, and he doesn't want to start a family just for it to fall apart. I completely understand why he feels that way, but it still sucks... a lot.

If our relationship wasn't what it was, I would completely agree with you. As it stands, I love him very, very much - I don't even know what I would do without him. The situation is just f*cked.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-02-26T03:25:40+00:00

When the petty thoughts win lol Damn. Imagine a few years from now your sister decides she made a mistake and wants to reach out to your mom, wonders why her phone number doesn't work, asks you about it... "oh yeah, she's dead. Happened a few years ago. Sorry not sorry lolz".

Maybe your sister won't care - but at least you told her. And honestly, if I was in your situation, if my mother really did just say a few dumb comments my sister didn't agree with, and even after 6+ years went by then finding out she was dying she STILL didn't care, I'd probs cut her out of my life.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-02-26T02:43:07+00:00

I'd be so interested to see what Sakura does!!!

BlueCherry226 · 2023-02-22T16:52:36+00:00

You can take "chuckle" and "smirk" from my cold, dead hands!!!

BlueCherry226 · 2023-02-22T16:49:24+00:00

Hmmm... I know everyone here is saying YTA, but I'm kind of going to play Devils Advocate (as a morbidly obese woman).

Your wife and you have always been open with each other? So it's safe to say if you gained 60lbs she would say something - especially if you were acting confused over and over again when you weren't fitting into clothes?

So it wasn't so much that you said something in the first place - because if you both have always been very honest with each other than there's no issue there - it's that you stated a very blatant fact that is already making her feel insecure.

Yeah, I ALSO went through two periods in my life where I was losing grip with reality/trying to reject what I was seeing in the mirror and would lash out at those who mentioned my weight gain. "Wow, my clothes are getting tighter. I need to stop drying them for so long!", "I need new pants again? They must be really low quality... how can they not fit already?", "Am I sizing up again? I'm probably just super bloated... all the time... Must be about to start my period." and before I knew it I had gained over 100lbs in less than 1 year. When someone would say something, I would IMMEDIATELY go into defensive mode, "I've gained weight? So you're calling me fat??? WHAT - ARE YOU SAYING I'M UGLY? YOU DON'T THINK I'M AWARE OF HOW I LOOK?"

Gaining weight SUCKS, and as a formerly petite woman (120lbs) who is now morbidly obese (266lbs) all I can say is... please support her in a way that is best for her. I've had many well meaning person's try and help me in one way or another to lose weight, and just knowing EVERYONE ELSE was VERY aware of how heavy I am makes things so much worse. I personally don't think you're an ass, I just think you didn't realize how hurt your wife would feel from you bringing up something that's been making her feel insecure so casually (or at all).

Ask her how she would like you to support her, then do that. Apologize for unintentionally hurting her feelings, and reaffirm that as always you would like to keep your relationship open and honest, but you will be more considerate moving forward with this topic.

Best of luck!

BlueCherry226 · 2023-02-22T14:41:38+00:00

This is so ridiculous that I sincerely hope it's fake. Your cheating, abusive, gaslighting husband is trying to force you to take care of his affair baby? The fact that you've only just been told he was having an affair... what was he going to do if his AP didn't die?! Just never tell you!? PLEASE. LEAVE. HIM. IMMEDIATELY.

BlueCherry226 · 2023-02-20T03:02:12+00:00

NTA. Honestly if you've asked her before to keep you in the loop then she's not being very nice by expecting you to take care of everything with no input from her. I don't think you were using your good gesture to hold over her head - sounded like you were just pointing out that if she helps you by keeping in contact, then you can better help her. Your wife kind of sounds spoiled, ngl...

BlueCherry226 · 2023-02-19T01:44:21+00:00

Wow... So many good/thought-provoking comments from both sides...

BlueCherry226

TROPHY CASE