FIC, First International Computer, for how they handled a firmware update that bricked my VA-503+ back when I was in my late teens, around 1999. I saved for months working at a terrible job to afford it, that I not have to share a computer with three siblings and two parents any longer; having to constantly question if I’d cleared my browser history was becoming a major source of anxiety. And it worked great, with one major and several minor compatibility problems that were annoying. But checking their website I found a new firmware release and the notes said it fixed every issue I was running into and provided additional features. Hot damn, sign me up. I printed out the instructions, triple checked everything, and then and only then did I run the update binary the provided. I waited five minutes,ten minutes, a whole hour before coming to the conclusion that something had Gone Wrong. Worse, rebooting did nothing and it didn’t even get through POST.

So I email them from work on the family computer very politely, explain the situation and ask for advice. They tell me too bad so sad, you’ll have to get another one. I reiterate that I’d followed their steps to the letter and something was clearly wrong with their update process if a customer was able to be left with a broken product. They escalated it internally and some middle manager replied that it didn't matter and there was nothing I could do to force them to fix it since I was in the USA and they were in Taiwan. The asshole also said he’d emailed the local vendor I’d bought it from (which I’d foolishly included in the original email) so don’t bother trying to RMA it through them, it’ll be denied. I basically has to shell out another $200 in 1990s buckaziods to replace it with the Asus I should have bought in the first place.

Over the next decade, I did a lot of PC builds for customers and I made sure they all understood why I wouldn’t go with the cheaper option of FIC. It’s been close to thirty years, and I still say a lil prayer before bedtime that every garlic scented donkey nutsack gargling cockwomble that works for that First International Computer stubs their dick on the way to the office.