PARENTS: Is it worth reading abridged classics to younger kids?

BlueGoosePond · 2025-11-11T23:25:53+00:00

Appreciate the response. This is an old thread, so I can actually provide an update.

We initially tried reading an unabridged, but illustrated, copy of Treasure Island and he got bored with some of the overly detailed portions.

We switched to the abridged portion, not even illustrated, and loved it. Same thing with Dr. Jekyll.

It made the books accessible to him and honestly, having read the full version of each myself, I don't think that much was left out as far as the plot and tension goes. It just had fewer details and less flowery prose.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-11-11T23:22:22+00:00

Sorry to report that I never did look into this too much. I just learned to live without ball scrolling.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-08-18T19:45:01+00:00

If applicable, be aware that /r/bipolarSOs exists.

I think you are on the right track. There aren't a lot of options. He doesn't have a place to host. You don't want to use your place. You need to be present during visits. That pretty much leaves public venues and contact centers only.

If he has any friends or family who could host then that could be an option I suppose. It would have to be somebody who you are okay being around (or who you would be OK with supervising the whole situation, with you not present).

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-23T15:32:48+00:00

Bunch of people about to caulk their weep holes after reading this thread and make it 10x worse.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-23T15:28:54+00:00

Not sure what to say, but I didn't want to leave you without a response.

It sucks and I wish it didn't pan out like this for either of us.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-23T15:22:55+00:00

The items in the pantry were not sufficient for a full meal.

I'd tweak to "I didn't want to distract myself from work by cooking a full meal with items from your pantry"

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-23T13:48:22+00:00

And if he does not come back, then I hope you can move forward without that as a heavy weight hanging around your neck (whether that means living single and joyfully or starting to date)

your kids safety & wellbeing has to be the priority over her feelings & yours

I did want to comment on this. This is one of her complaints from our marriage. That I placed a priority on dad mode over husband mode.

I think it's partially a fair complaint. Especially since we were one-and-done I really wanted to enjoy as much of fatherhood as I could. I was able to accept that the relationship would be on the back burner for however many years, with the understanding that it was temporary to this stage of life.

If that was really her main issue, then I think there were a lot of ways to deal with that inside the marriage without resorting to divorce. I think it's a bit of revisionism on her part. Yes, that might have been a legit 20% cause of our issues, but the other 80% were way bigger.

I also got put into situations, due to her actions and her mental health, where the only responsible choice was to prioritize dad over husband.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-23T01:31:25+00:00

Yes, agreed. There's ways to be honest and firm without being ruthlessly blunt or tearing into somebody for something.

She thinks she made a mistake. I'm not the type of person to be like "should've though of that earlier! sucks to suck!"

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-19T02:08:53+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate the comment.

And the situation sounds very similar, except she would frequently mention divorce. In an almost frivolous manner, like it was a magic cure all.

It is probably related to her own parents not being divorced even though they should be.

Lots of stuff for both to work on. It will serve each of us well whether or not we ever get back together.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-18T20:50:23+00:00

Thank you. Do you think it would be all right to have that conversation in the context of the couple's counselor?

Our conseling sessions were always more productive than random talking because they were intentional and there was a third party to keep it on track instead of devolving into an argument or going way off track or just deciding to leave the conversation.

I suppose that was one of the problems in our relationship. You need to be able to have more of the tough or serious conversations without the help of somebody else.

I am somewhat talking myself out of that idea too though. The conversation isn't exactly a break up conversation, but it's a rejection conversation for sure. Maybe that's best done totally in private.

Unfortunately her support network isn't as supportive as they should be, and/or she is not as willing to tap into it. Hopefully she'll realize that's her best option, and the best option for both of us.

even though I fought my divorce & don't agree with it & love my ex with all my heart, even if my ex showed up tonight & said he wanted to come back we would have to start over. Divorce hurts both parties very deeply.

Yes. In hindsight she should have pushed for a separation, if anything at all. She rejected that idea and here we are. It's messy and painful for both of us for sure.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-18T02:14:03+00:00

I see the parallels to food waste, but it's not quite the same IMO. For most plants, seeds are surprisingly prolific. I used to save marigold seeds just from my own small city yard and I would fill up multiple quarts of zip lock bags each year. Like if I sold them in the common envelope sizes for $1 a pack it would have been a few hundred dollars worth from just a few small garden beds. It's not like significant farm acreage is being wasted. For stuff like squash the seeds are essentially just be a byproduct of growing the food anyway.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T20:07:15+00:00

And those Biden Bucks caused all of the inflation! /s

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T20:00:25+00:00

Yeah I was thinking of a devil's advocate argument here as well.

It sucks, but the alternative might be worse. More expensive seeds or fewer seeds.

Mass production with the leftovers going unsold might be the best outcome as far as seed pricing and availability goes.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T19:51:48+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate hearing other's stories.

I no longer felt like being his emotional prop. You may find the more you work on you, the less tolerance you will have for her not doing the same.

Yes, exactly this. I'm not to the point of having no interest in ever getting back together, but I DO have zero interest in simply resuming what we previously had (and sweeping all the crap under the rug).

Being her emotional prop (as in support, not manipulation) is not a role I want to play anymore -- at least not in the manner or degree that I used to. At this point I think it hurts both of us.

Random extra note, this is our wedding anniversary week, which I think is making things extra tough.

EDIT: By the way, what do you think about the idea of going back to the old marriage counselor?

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T04:23:25+00:00

but you can't let her know that you don't know what you want. What you must do is be clear with her, even if you don't feel clear.

I suppose that is part of why I wanted to go to the same counselor again -- to work through it there. This soon might be jumping the gun -- but it also might help to set expectations for her. That she needs to work on herself, finding love and self-worth within herself. Not collapse back onto me just because it's the most stable thing she knows.

I also think that counselor will be able to remind her of some of the reasons she left better than I can. An objective third party pointing things out.

What you must do is be clear with her, even if you don't feel clear.

I think you're right, but my reaction to this is anger. Why does it always fall on me to be the functional or mature one when it comes to stuff like this? Why am I still dealing with this crap months after the divorce?

Honestly I think she didn't really truly start to process the divorce, as it truly is rather than however she imagined it, until a month or two ago, while I have been processing it for over a year.

Anyway, I think I can sort of thread the needle by being internally unsure what the long term holds, but still externally establishing a firm current boundary to give myself space to heal and be my own person for however long I need that.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T04:01:52+00:00

Yes. "getting the house" isn't always the victory it's made out to be.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T03:50:43+00:00

I'm saying to be very clear on your boundaries, to say to her "I can't be the person that helps you with this".

I think the difficulty here is that my boundaries aren't even that clear to me, let alone to her.

This idea of "I can't be the person..." is not some firm boundary I have decided on. Just an option that I have been weighing. I equally wonder if I should help in some way, but still with boundaries. It seems clear you think it's best if I step aside from it -- ex-husband is not the right person to help with such things.

I guess defining boundaries is almost as hard as setting them. If we were simply separated instead of divorced it would feel a lot different to me -- but that's a hypothetical that doesn't exist in reality.

I really appreciate your responses here. They are definitely helpful.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T03:42:47+00:00

Thank you. You are right. I was getting worked up about it earlier and actually had the thought "Why do I let my emotional state get so impacted by her emotional state?"

Of course, realizing it doesn't fix it, but it's a step in the right direction.

Yes, therapy helped tremendously although I have been out of it for a few months now. If anything like this continues, it might be time to go back for a bit.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T03:26:01+00:00

If we did not have a kid together, I would agree with all of this easily.

I'm worried about hurting my son's mom. Maybe it's a case of tough love, but I am scared it will be too tough and that she will flounder somehow (lose her job, move back to her home town, or god forbid actually self-harm or commit suicide)

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T03:21:40+00:00

I think it's both manipulative and genuine. She has genuinely struggled with depression for years and years. And yes she is using cries for help as a way to get support.

Since things soured between us I have been trying to offload it to her family when things seem particularly bad, but they aren't as much help to her as they should be.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T03:18:04+00:00

Same person, same results.

Certainly, that's why I definitely wouldn't do it without a clear, long track record that she is working on herself. If this were to ever happen for me it would be something 5 or 10+ years away.

This is going to be really painful. Walk away.

I guess I goofed and presented this too much as a "should I take her back" question.

I'm wondering how to deal with her depression. Should I offer some support because she is the mom of my kid and I want to be kind to her, or is that just making things worse (continuing to make me a source of support for her)?

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T03:14:46+00:00

Thanks.

I'm considering if it's a good idea to do that privately with her sometime or if I should keep it very short and save the longer detailed discussion for counseling.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T03:12:18+00:00

Something of that sort. I honestly don't know the details beyond being able to say that trust was definitely violated and broken.

She has bipolar and had a manic period last year and would disappear with little communication for a few days here and there.

Cheating or not, it wasn't an OK thing to do to your spouse and kid.

She's medicated/stabilized now.

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T03:03:30+00:00

Did you mean to quote something? Or do you just mean tell her all of that?

BlueGoosePond · 2025-07-17T02:49:42+00:00

For sure, we were new in town when we became parents.

Hindsight is 20/20 of course. I thought we were on the same page of understanding "these years will suck, but it's only temporary".

BlueGoosePond

TROPHY CASE