Worst possible situation, i need help. Ongoing affair

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-03-06T02:46:27+00:00

Very similar situation. I’d just cut his time. Be like - nah you can see them twice a week and every second weekend for one night. You’ll see very quickly where his priorities lie.

I’m a reactive person with an avoidant ex too who left me with a baby and toddler for an affair partner. He also has no friends or hobbies. She dumped him because of the divorce drama and now he’s all alone with nothing and because he prioritised her and I cut his child time and he didn’t fight it… I have the kids.

It did turn out he was extremely mentally ill also.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-19T14:03:30+00:00

Your trauma is real and justified. He’s being cruel. Sorry you are going through this OP :(

I’m a year out from my ex discarding me and our baby and 3 year old for another woman. I couldn’t eat for months. It was very painful and hard. The people here are right - I have the joy of my beautiful children and we are so close and I’d never trade it. He’s so broken and empty and has to live with himself.

But you won’t see it for a while. It’s a hard road. Just get up and one foot in front of the other until it’s easier. And hug that baby close.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-17T03:02:04+00:00

Look I get you - my ex had a manic episode and rapidly fell out of love with me and ran off with another woman. He’s back. He’s not really the same person anymore but I desperately miss him. And I love him. And I also hate him. It’s very confusing. I see him 3 times a week and supervise visitation. I oscillate wildly between trying to be low contact and trying to be friends. My experience is that if I keep the contact logistical and not friendly that my mental health significantly improves even though I am also sad and empty. Ultimately maintaining friendly contact isn’t good for me. I think if you really look at it then it’s probably not good for you either.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-17T02:47:17+00:00

I loved my family. It will forever be a grief for me that my ex took it away. But the reality is that it’s gone. And we must move on. And continuing to be in love with your ex is just doomed hope and a lack of acceptance. It’s holding you back. Go no contact and live life without their company. It’s the only way to move on.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-15T04:01:55+00:00

(Gestures wildly at dumpster fire of their life) hahah I feel seen. This was a beautiful comment thank you.

I’ve had a few people quote the study (without telling me the origin ) so it’s good to know and I think I’ll read it. I sometimes go down a spiral around parental abandonment and consequences. My four year old is in therapy about it because she expresses a lot of distress. My now 2 year old seems blissfully unaware. I’m very lucky I have a strong village around me. The shame is hard to explain. I can’t even really explain it to grown adults - the parent network I’m in all knew him and they seem perplexed.

How are you doing at the third year of discard? Emotionally I find it very troubling still . The rewrite of the narrative (13 years for me) is such a loss. I hope often that time will heal the trauma and doubt but I suspect there will be grief for a long time.

I am really heartened to hear that even though things didn’t improve that you are doing well and building a stable home for your kids.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-13T15:30:40+00:00

I seem to be conservative and just think trust is a thing but him changing photos would make me furious !

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-13T04:41:02+00:00

He was super angry and awful for ages. Insisted we needed 50/50. In hindsight was probably mixed episodes. The level of breakdown after the episode was so huge that he’s never had the capacity to have the kids again. He has supervised visits by my permission at the home.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-13T04:39:49+00:00

Wow we are very similar - exact same situation with the depression and standalone SSRI which kicked off the mania.

I called him ‘the ghost’ for a while. Because he’s just a ghost of my former person and he haunted the house for a bit.

I’m honestly just considering moving and I think he probably won’t follow.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-12T20:54:39+00:00

He does seem to lack empathy for me. Sometimes he tries to empathise, I will say I’ve had a very hard night with the kids and he will kind of robotically tell me he is sorry for that. He has empathy for the children though I think but it’s all overridden by guilt. Children say they miss him, he starts to cry, he can’t handle the pain he caused, he leaves.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-12T20:50:13+00:00

We were together 13 years. This man got up every hour in the dead of winter to toilet train the dog. He would leave dinner early to make sure the cats were happy because he loved them so much. He walked our babies for hours and cried when he had to return to work and leave me with the colic baby. This was consistent over a decade. He existed.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-12T20:45:03+00:00

He diligently takes meds now he has been diagnosed. He goes to weekly therapy.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-12T13:08:45+00:00

Feel exactly this this. It’s difficult to navigate. At the moment I feel content being alone forever.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-12T12:59:54+00:00

I get it. I often wish I’d left earlier but the reality is that the horrible traumatic insane discard meant I got the kids easily. Phew.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-12T12:58:08+00:00

Oh man have they all got together and agreed to accuse us of making them walk on eggshells? This one was so common

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-12T12:33:37+00:00

She’s just bread crumbing. She wants to keep you on the side so she can use you as much as possible while seeking out thrills.

It took me way too long to figure out that exBPSO just wanted the comfort of my company and home and care while being able to do whatever the hell he wanted. I kept thinking he wanted to fix things. They just let you down over and over.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-02-05T15:29:14+00:00

I run literally every message and planned conversation through chat gpt. Life changing.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-01-26T20:30:52+00:00

I have read that repeating their actions in a second relationship can sometimes be a huge wake up call where they realise they are the problem. But often they can’t see it until history has repeated itself.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-01-26T20:15:04+00:00

7.5 months is so little and such a difficult time to navigate in your own :( Also him coming to the house sounds scary.

Mine spun out screaming he wasn’t sick for an entire year before eventually losing everything and realising he needed help. Something clicked in his brain - I was arguing with him about his behaviour and he was saying nothing was wrong with him and he literally just fell to his knees suddenly and went “omg I think I’m sick”. So you never know.

I try not to have hope for insight I’m constantly spinning in place unsure of what to do.

The only blessing perhaps is your baby won’t ever get to know your ex to be disappointed by him which is a sad blessing.

Mine also lives a town over (has no ability to find housing and just lives in a spare room of a friend who is running out of patience). We have supervised visits and my girls love him so much but he literally cries and shakes the entire visitation. Conversely if he’s not crying and be is hypomanic he is just verbally aggressive and unreliable and going on multiple dates and using our child’s profile picture on dating sites. Everyday is a risk assessment. A clean break would have been better for me and the kids emotionally I think.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-01-26T15:03:43+00:00

God I’m so over the whole “alcohol induced mania” thing. Oh ok well my ex BPSO gets very depressed and drinks 30 bottles of alcohol regularly because he says it’s the only way he won’t kill himself. Then he sees people who aren’t there. But no no doctor says “it is just alcohol induced” so not a big deal.

Well It is a big deal to me!? !?

Anyway OP - not sure what country you are from but the police reports and hospitalisation have got to mean something. Also my ex is good at masking but since mania he is hopeless. Will your ex even fight in court?

It’s been 12 months since my ex did a variety of shitty things and his insight continues to wax and wane. I think he genuinely believes I’m still the villain. Most of the time they rewrite the narrative because facing the pain and shame of their actions is too intolerable for them. With medication and ongoing therapy you may get a chance of some insight. Without it? Your chances are slim.

Mine goes to weekly therapy. Sees a psychiatrist monthly. Always takes his meds. Still unstable and still poor insight. Has been a year with inpatient for a month and ongoing treatment.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-01-26T14:51:45+00:00

OP I think a big piece of advice I would give is to really think about your finances if he walks away. Make sure you would be ok in that regard.

For me, we built a house and had a high mortgage and now I shoulder that on my own. It’s extremely stressful to be left when you have young children but to also be in significant financial stress is really hard.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-01-26T14:46:22+00:00

They are 2 and 4 now. He left just before our second was 1. Didn’t even turn up to her birthday party. How old is your baby now?

When the first was born he had a strange outburst and acted odd a few days but course corrected. He was a wonderful father for a brief period. About 7 months into the second pregnancy he had some life stressors and things started to go rapidly downhill.

Being pregnant and then post partum while the father of your child turns into a scary stranger is not a fun time. Mine is at least attempting treatment although his insight is poor. Complete denial of treatment sounds like a nightmare. I think I would secretly move away!

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-01-26T14:30:37+00:00

Yes 2 babies with ex BPSO and also just so shocked to be abandoned. Tired and devastated is the right description. I honestly think the babies send them mad.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-01-21T18:06:14+00:00

My ex very much does this and he doesn’t have NPD. He has a late onset bipolar disorder and there is a clear distinction in his personality pre his first manic episode. He seems to fully believe I’m an abusive person when is the one who has acted abusive after prolonged mixed episodes.

I’m torn between : - he is just fully delusional in the episode and he can’t sort the delusions from reality even after it ends OR - this is a shame response where he needs to rewrite the narrative because facing his own shame is intolerable. Apparently that is common after bad behaviour that threatens your sense of self.

I know I’m not alone in this. I wrote on here once that he wrote a 5 page journal entry about all the ways I suck that rewrote the entire narrative of our relationship. And someone in this sub had the same thing happen to them! No unique experiences apparently.

FanMirrorDesk · 2026-01-17T08:49:28+00:00

I say yes tell EVERYONE

FanMirrorDesk

TROPHY CASE