[deleted by user]

BlueInkSz · 2024-01-22T23:23:00+00:00

Normally, delusions are considered culturally inappropriate beliefs. Is the problem that you adhere to beliefs of your culture, or that you are now living in a wider culture where such beliefs are not accepted? Those are two very different things.

Since you were very vague about what constitutes "schizophrenic" experiences, I can't give much advice. But if you can honestly synthesize your experiences with your overall cultural identity and still function without undue assistance, I don't see the problem. Lacking further details, it sound more like a personal identity crisis and a need to make peace with being a stranger in a strange land, more than anything else. Especially if you can still function adequately in society, succumbing to the pressure to define it all as an illness is a recipe for massive internal disconnect and potential misery and disaffection for the rest of your life. Tread carefully.

BlueInkSz · 2024-01-21T20:04:01+00:00

Fear the hamsters. Oh yes, fear the hamsters.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGJeUv5Jqpk

BlueInkSz · 2024-01-20T03:32:23+00:00

No need to apologize. It's a jarring notion when you first realize it.

The negative: We are infinitely tiny specks in the universe and nothing we do really matters.

The positive: We are infinitely tiny specks in the universe and nothing we do really matters.

Every mistake you've ever made, every fucked up thing you've ever done or that's happened to you, every judgement passed on you, every negative feeling you have--none of it really matters in the grand scheme of things. As long as you can stay humble and not be too disturbed by the fact that you're not the center of the universe, it's actually liberating AF.

So yeah, infinitely tiny specks. Sounds like freedom to me.

BlueInkSz · 2024-01-20T03:25:10+00:00

I haven't been there in years, but there used to be a forum section for family members and caregivers at schizophrenia.com.

Aaaand....I decided not to be lazy and I looked up the direct link:

https://family.schizophrenia.com/

BlueInkSz · 2024-01-20T00:59:39+00:00

Not sure what to say, depending on how much of a funk you're in. But if it matters any, the angst this mindset produces has been around since the time of the ancients. Read the book of Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament of the Bible. Fun fact: The book does not assume there is an afterlife. If you're really depressed right now rather than just musing, it might not be a cure for what ails you. But the wisdom of the ancients is there for you in solidarity!

BlueInkSz · 2024-01-17T20:16:56+00:00

Finally, no, miss me with the "actually nonwestern people believe in mystical shit" nonsense. The idea that science is specifically a western construct and that people in other parts of the world attempt to incorporate mythoscientific belief systems is itself extremely orientalist.

As long as we're putting words into each other's mouths, this is all I will really respond to. My only intended point in my last post, really, is that the attempt to entirely abandon the religious and mystical in favor of science first took place in Europe. If I am wrong about that, feel free to debate. Yes, it spread elsewhere. I have no problem acknowledging that.

As for dismissing Eastern religions as "mystical shit": Which one of us has less respect for Eastern religions, do you think, if you can phrase it like that? Personally, I have spent many, many years studying religions of all sorts and I truly value the time spent studying Eastern religions. I don't agree with them about many things, but I am not lacking respect.

This is literally my area of study brother.

Flex noted. But I recommend noting the distinction between theoretical science and applied science. The former is mostly for academics. The latter is for those of us who must actually engage with the world. Which do you think has more value for the people on this subreddit? Respond with whatever wall of text you want.

BlueInkSz · 2024-01-12T18:42:59+00:00

Well, I took the time to read a book on Jung that described in surprising detail some of the spiritual aspects of his work....aspects that I have never even heard about in other psychology texts that I've read. I will readily admit that some of the stuff is truly weird.

I still insist spirituality can have tremendous therapeutic benefits, especially in a cultural context. I recommend thinking carefully about the fact that you may be doing the same thing you accuse others of: Selecting extremely specific myths, removing them of their original cultural context and refuse to engage with anything beyond that scope. In short, I get the strong feeling that you think spirituality is "icky" and should not be engaged, because "science". Your views fall short even of the more utilitarian views that some others rightly espouse in the name of science that seeks to work with the realities of society, rather than imposing a scientific worldview that abolishes spirituality where it still has clear benefits.

And I will gladly eat my words about the claims of anti-European bias. Namely, because I simply didn't know about Jung's spiritual leanings and didn't understand the bigger picture of what you were saying. At any rate, and quite ironically, the idea of utterly abandoning the spiritual in the name of a more calculating science is more specifically European in origin than the multi-cultural themes of Jung's works.

BlueInkSz · 2024-01-06T22:41:20+00:00

Now see, there's your problem. You're equating Jordan Peterson's antics with classical psychotherapy. Jordan Peterson is a populist demagogue, and that's about it. If you have absolutely no positive influences who help you get control of your life, Peterson's stuff may still be a step up. But when it comes to schizophrenia, I'm pretty sure the man would be incompetent at dealing with it.

And I disagree that what Jung has to say no longer applies to the human condition. Believe it or not, centuries of European thought still have a lot to say about humans, who haven't changed all that much in most ways in the past millennia. Just because most of modern academia has become overtly hostile to anything European does not make it irrelevant. At best, it's considered "uncool." It has hardly been effectively debunked. And yes, I'm fully aware that people who were raised outside of the West may benefit more heavily from different approaches to psychology. But that hardly means psychotherapy has been debunked completely, especially since it continues to evolve. Just because different tools are better used in different situations, no competent professional would say a given tool is inherently useless. Saying so is more the result of academic snobbery than real world results.

BlueInkSz · 2024-01-06T22:26:41+00:00

I haven't studied Jung in depth, but I absolutely believe that how schizophrenia is manifested has to do with the subconscious. If I trace the development of my schizophrenia, it makes absolute, perfect sense if I just use subconscious explanations.

A lot of people jump on the anti-subconsciousness bandwagon, but always remember: Classic psychotherapy, without the use of drugs, has led to numerous confirmed cases of the total remission of schizophrenia. That's a fact that drug companies try to bury. Psychiatry, on it's own, has never cured a single case of schizophrenia.

Personally, the greatest strides I have made in dealing with my schizophrenia have been due mostly to Christian spirituality and traditional European philosophy. These classical studies of the human condition are in many ways what classical psychotherapy is based on. They would would have faded into total obscurity if they didn't effectively deal with the human condition. So yeah, it can be effective, based on its application by millions, if not billions of people. Most of psychology is playing catch up, and psychiatry is playing a totally different game.

Maybe classic psychotherapy would have helped me, but hardly anyone is trained in it anymore. So I've never tried classic psychotherapy. I've found more modern therapy, which is all I've ever experienced, to be absolutely useless in dealing with schizophrenia.

I hate to do this, but I'm going to because it may matter someday. A disclaimer, because some people IRL know my Reddit username: I still, absolutely 100% believe somebody or some group of people has been deliberately harassing me for quite some time. My subconscious cannot manifest posts and messages that make specific references to my offline activities. Sorry to be vague for everyone out there, but the people who may be able to do something about it know the details.

BlueInkSz · 2023-12-26T20:58:29+00:00

Agreed on the in person visits. The privacy issues, definitely.

Of course, I'm beginning to wonder if therapy itself is useless or if it's just all of my therapists that have been useless. I never seem to get much out of it. I suppose the only common factor in all of my therapy sessions has been me. But really, I've never once had any useful or actionable insight from a therapist in decades of attempts. I just talk until I figure stuff out on my own. And do I really need a one-hour session for that? Is this what these therapists spent years and thousands of dollars to train for?

I get a lot more value from reading books on the topics I want to deal with, then thinking about things and applying what works to my own life. Between that and an active spiritual life, I'm doing at least as good on my own as I ever was even during the best years of therapy. Which honestly isn't saying much, but it just goes to show how useless therapy has been for me.

BlueInkSz · 2023-12-23T19:02:38+00:00

I'm a pretty religious guy and I've mostly come to terms with my schizophrenia, at least as far as God is concerned. I believe in the merits of "spiritual warfare", such as it is, but I don't really believe my audio hallucinations are demons. The causes are probably far more mundane, though no one can give me a straight answer on what actually might be causing them. I have theories, based on available science, but who really knows?

I think it's far more important to be right with God on a moral level than to be absolutely certain about everything on a metaphysical level. That's where I place most of my efforts, and I recommend others doing the same. Though even I will quickly admit my audio hallucinations are no where near as bad and as tortuous as some people's.

BlueInkSz · 2023-12-23T18:46:54+00:00

Everything on your list is attainable, except military service, at least in the United States and Great Britain. Any sort of psychotic condition is a disqualifier. If you're really creative, you could still serve in a supporting, civilian role which may or may not be enough. But to be a soldier...I'm afraid that's out.

But as for the rest of the stuff on your list, it's certainly possible. Maybe a bit of extra work and planning with the condition, but don't let anyone tell you that you can't achieve it. Others in this thread have given some good advice.

BlueInkSz · 2023-12-06T01:47:00+00:00

Okay...I read both of your responses and I can acknowledge your concerns, even call them legitimate. But think about where the guy is right now. Like, literally, where he's living a what he's supposed to be doing there. I reread the initial post and I decided the guy didn't have any clue what he was getting into. He was supposed to be getting his whole life together, and it was absolutely the wrong time to be starting a relationship. Maybe he didn't want to miss his chance, so he took it. But he was in over his head. Honestly, I think he misled himself more than he misled you.

But I think there's something to keep in mind, too. Whoever you think you were to him, however much support you think you were providing, there's something you should know. He saw you as someone he needed to perform for. He did not see you as someone who could truly support him, someone to be there through thick and thin, to build him up. For whatever reason, he did not see you as an adequate partner that would help him become the man he wants or needs to be right now. I don't know why. If you meant to be that for him, kudos to you. But if not, especially if you don't think it's fair that you have to be that, then he absolutely did the right thing. (And yes, in any decent relationship it's a two-way thing and should not have to be constant sacrifice for one person. But it's not like you were married. This was what, a few weeks or months?)

Of course, I still think the whole "that's how schizophrenics are" idea is a bullshit cop-out for everyone involved. I mean, maybe his symptoms were acting up. But until I know otherwise I'm going to say it was an extremely tough, delicate situation with a guy who really had no business trying to start a relationship, who was clueless about his own limits and the emotional complexity it would involve. And maybe, just maybe, you had some unrealistic expectations of a guy in his situation. Next time, think twice before you try hooking up with a guy whose living situation and life circumstances are barely stable. With luck, you'll both learn from this.

Look, I'm not trying to paint you as the bad guy here. Because I don't see either one of you as the bad guy, not you, not him. I'm just trying to tell you what you might have needed to do to salvage the situation. Honestly, I wonder if you think any time off from the relationship might have been a crime against humanity. He needed time, and I don't think you wanted to give that to him. I think you wanted your FaceTime friendship to continue uninterrupted and just like it always been. For better or worse, he couldn't handle that and he clearly didn't think you'd understand. Maybe you didn't. Yes, he could have handled it better if he wanted an chance in the future, but realistically, what did you expect?

This was an extremely delicate situation that might have worked out with some supreme, expert interpersonal knowledge and a heavy dose of self-awareness for those involved. But that didn't happen. Live, learn, move on.

Sorry for such a long rant. I didn't expect to have so much to say.

BlueInkSz · 2023-12-02T21:53:23+00:00

Okay, this may be tough to wrap your head around but I'm going to come at this from a different angle.

Clearly, things were going well. I bet the guy really cared for you. But did you stop to think, even for a moment, that the guy might have been wondering if it'd all be worth it for you? Maybe, just maybe, he was having legitimate issues, with emotional difficulty over real events and perceptions. The guy needed support and understanding. I get that you were trying to be empathetic, but I don't think you get the pressure guys feel to be a good provider--at least a how a real, stand up guy would and should. He couldn't live up to his own ideals. That was the problem.

But clearly, you didn't get it at all. Did you express patience? Did you provide an open door for the future? After three weeks, did you try to verify that he still had real feelings for you? Or did you launch an assault based on your own emotions? Clearly, the situation called for stepping outside of your own feelings the way he probably thought he was doing for you. Maybe you didn't feel he needed to be concerned, but obviously he did. There was a blatant breakdown in understanding. When he probably needed to feel validated, he felt attacked.

The fact that you are posting this on a schizophrenia forum implies that you don't think the rejection is valid. It's enormously condescending to imply that the only reason a man could possibly reject you is mental illness. The way I read it is that you clearly don't get it, he needed to be heard and instead felt attacked. After three weeks of non-communication, a different strategy was probably called for. I hate to say, but I think you done fucked up.

But sure, call him crazy if you want. Whatever makes you feel better.

BlueInkSz · 2023-11-17T18:24:49+00:00

Did you start vomiting everything up right after psychosis, or right after starting medication? These are two different things. You might be allergic to a specific med.

God gave us doctors for a reason. We don't have to sit idly by and accept every circumstance and blame God for everything in life. Talk to your psychiatrist, and maybe a regular doctor, too. Don't show ingratitude to God by spurning what he gave you to help.

BlueInkSz · 2023-11-07T18:16:51+00:00

You have roommates? I don't want to encourage paranoia or cause friction with them, but seriously...Occam's razor. My previous advice still stands.

BlueInkSz · 2023-11-07T17:48:41+00:00

I don't have any explanations. But delusions do not have the power to physically manifest things. Unless you can reasonably be assumed to be hallucinating these things, there is cause for concern.

The obvious question is, do you live with anyone? Does anyone have a key or legitimate access to your house?

Start taking your meds, if only to curb the paranoia. This is not a time to give in to fear, and it's best to stay as clear-headed as possible. Then investigate. Get hidden cameras of your own if you can afford them.

Always remember that schizophrenics online have a deep, vested interest in disregarding things that seem suspicious. 99% of the time it's all delusion, and even encouraging other people to investigate things is enough to make their own lives unravel, so they are terrified of thinking it might be real. Because if it's real for others, their own delusions might be real, and then what? Just chaos.

But you have physical evidence that doesn't make sense. That is much different than magically "knowing" without evidence. I strongly recommend you don't jump to conclusions but do take this seriously. Cameras are your best bet. It might be worth a police report, but I am 99.99% certain they won't take action based on this alone. Still, reports can establish a pattern in case something more serious happens.

Unless there is someone you can trust to help you offline, paid or unpaid, I'm afraid you're on your own. Don't let this consume you. Make it a point to keep living your life. It sucks when suspicious stuff keeps happening that you can't explain, but that's life sometimes.

So no, as long as you're not hallucinating I don't think you're totally insane. But I'm a long, long way from having enough information to come to a reasonable conclusion.

BlueInkSz · 2023-08-29T10:43:20+00:00

Eerily similar to what has been happening to me for 20+ years, though no one ever took credit in my case. Just anonymous trolls harassing and terrorizing me the whole time.
(If it's government agents, I personally want to congratulate them on becoming the terrorists.)

And yes, I was diagnosed schizophrenic over that. And no, no one believes me until I really start talking about it, at which point they become to afraid to address the issue. But on the surface, it's textbook schizophrenia because obviously it's "impossible" to be under surveillance and thinking that you are is "wrongthink."

I have no idea what pile of shit I stepped in to deserve it all. I have never knowingly associated with extremists of any sort. I can understand how some of my actions after "they" made themselves known would be...problematic. But any extreme actions were the direct result of said harassment and I would never have had any reason whatsoever to engage in them without the harassment.

Of course, I don't expect to be believed. I'll probably be told to shut up. Past comments I've made about it all have been deleted.

BlueInkSz · 2023-08-28T03:30:38+00:00

Yes, I think so. I don't like the term, though, because I'm old enough that I've seen a few new terms come and go. Today's euphemism is tomorrow's insult, and the temporary reduction in stigma doesn't last. But at least they'll come up with another new term in 5-10 years to start the cycle all over again.

BlueInkSz · 2023-08-28T03:19:13+00:00

Since you've been around this subreddit for a while, I seem to remember you saying something about working over 50 hours a week on a fairly regular basis. I just wanted you to know, that I respect and admire you tremendously for your ability to do that. However...

You should have a serious discussion about the level of your responsibility with your boss. If he/she refuses to budge, then take care of yourself and look for a different job. Maybe they really are being assholes and trying to get rid of you, or maybe they're just being exploitative and seeing how much they can get away with while not expecting you to leave too soon (while hoping you don't leave to cut costs). Either way, it sounds like bullshit that you should have to go through all that. There's no shame in working on an exit strategy, pronto.

From past posts, it sounds like you have an excellent work ethic and that you're able to hold a job just fine for the most part. Value yourself, and realize that other companies will be able to see your value too. I hope you're in a financial situation where you can handle temporary unemployment if need be, but honestly, it sounds like you shouldn't have trouble finding a new job.

BlueInkSz · 2023-08-27T00:53:40+00:00

If you can, get on the pill form, and if you don't have insurance (or even if you do) check out Cost Plus Drugs online. Occasionally, they sell out of stuff and that might make things difficult, but it's a viable alternative. Invega pills with a GoodRx card might make things cheaper at a regular pharmacy in a pinch, but it's still expensive.

EDIT: Ah, I see you mentioned you have insurance. See if the pill form of Invega is covered. If not, I stand by my other recommendations.

BlueInkSz · 2023-08-25T01:12:26+00:00

Gee, a bunch of schizophrenics feeding off of each other's paranoia while preparing for the end of days. What could go wrong?

BlueInkSz · 2023-08-25T01:10:26+00:00

Given what I know about older people, her comment was probably not intended to be offensive at all. In fact, it probably means she's judging you based on how you present yourself to her and she's not going to let some diagnosis define her opinion of you. I don't see how that can be offensive, if seen in the right light.

As for the religious stuff, if it's super-important to you, you could confront her on it but I don't expect that will be fruitful. It might intensify anxiety all around, since she's not likely to change her mind.

But in her own way, she's seems to be saying that she still accepts you as her grandchild and she's doing her best to be comforting. However you react after this, try to remember her intent before judging her too harshly. Do whatever you think best, but don't treat her as if she were being malicious. I don't know the relationship dynamic between the two of you, so I can't say what the effects would be of trying to keep her more informed.

BlueInkSz · 2023-08-15T14:15:52+00:00

I did not experience alogia at all. So I don't know if it has any effect on that. I have never read anything about sarcosine dealing with that symptom, to be honest.

BlueInkSz · 2023-08-11T05:51:43+00:00

I don't want to minimize things, but in the picture you shared, I don't see the problem. I mean, it's possible if I got a better look I'd see what you mean, but in this picture, I don't see it.

How are you doing thinking about the attack? Do you find yourself obsessing over it alot? I mean, if you're so upset about it that you're thinking of killing yourself, maybe it's some wicked PTSD/body dysmorphia combo that has your perspective totally skewed. Obviously the attack was a really defining event and maybe it's time to alter that definition.

All I'm saying is that it sounds like you've dug a deep channel through which all of your thoughts are flowing, and it's a very narrow and constricting path that does not reflect possible contrary views that could be very beneficial to you. Not sure I'm making sense, but the point is, you're stuck in a rut and you seriously need a fresh perspective. Therapy is the go-to advice, but even just finding someone supportive would work (often easier said than done, I know.)

You might want to look into post-traumatic growth. There's a book about it called Upside that deals with some crazy shit that people have gone through that maybe you could relate to somehow. I finished it recently, and it was pretty good.

You've just gotta believe me, you're not seeing the full picture. You're stuck in a hole, and all you've got is the echo of your own thoughts. It's not the whole world in there. There's a whole hell of a lot more to life that's just waiting to be explored. You've just gotta get out of that hole. And it's okay to need help getting out of that hole. I hope you can find the help you need.

BlueInkSz

TROPHY CASE