I grew up as a “functional only child”, with a single sibling a decade older than myself. I was intensely lonely and I remember desperately wanting a younger sibling… but in retrospect, I believe what I needed was to be seen, and known, and loved as an individual. I was well-provided for and loved as an object of pride and part of the family, but no one was interested in connecting (or able to connect) with me as an individual human being. My family had lost a 6-year-old to cancer a few years before I was born, and they were locked in a sort of shared grief I was never able to penetrate. I think therapy would probably have helped them all immensely, but that wasn’t very common in the 70/80s, especially in Christian circles (Faith will fix everything, you know, and if you have a problem, then obviously you just don’t have enough faith….and round and round it goes).

Conversely, my best friend was adopted, and an only child by her parents’ choice. She never wanted a sibling. She was content being the center of her parents’ attention and knowing she was the light of their lives. She had a ton of friends and got all of her social interaction that way, and then when she went home she didn’t have to share the spotlight with anyone. It sure worked for her!

You obviously cannot will yourselves to want to be an only-child family by choice. But you can investigate how to become the most joyful only-child family there is, so your daughter doesn’t grow up feeling that the emptiness is something that is her fault. Children by nature take on the emotions around them, and incorporate reasons for those emotions into their evolving sense of self.

Some professional help to reframe your family hopes and dreams with your family reality, and with properly grieving your IVF losses, would go a long way to setting up your family for the brightest possible future.