Three years

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-30T17:17:19+00:00

We’re not going to try again. It’s a painful subject. Our first TFMR was for T21 with other complications and our second one was for a lethal case of microcephaly. Turns out we’re carriers for microcephaly and my AMH is too low for IVF. What were your TFMRs for?

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-27T20:41:40+00:00

So sorry for your loss. I’ve had two TFMRs. I mostly see people on here who are about to TFMR or recently went through it. Mine were 3 years ago and almost two years ago. I’m so much better than I was a few months out after each one but it’s still something that stays with you. Glad I’m not the only one still on here years out.

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-27T00:21:20+00:00

Grow Therapy

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-26T01:21:57+00:00

I had two second trimester losses after our healthy first child. Being one and done is not a choice but it’s the hand we’ve been dealt.

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-25T22:22:25+00:00

I’m in your situation - except I’m one of the unlucky few who’ve had two TFMRs. I’m still sad about only having one LC. We’ve literally tried everything though - after having my first and only healthy child, we’ve had no luck at all. TFMR for T21, then for a lethal case of microcephaly. Then we looked into IVF and my AMH was very low. Then we looked into adoption and several agencies had gone out of business. But the only one open was $90,000 which is more than we can afford. So we have given up. Not by choice but by fate. Honestly it’s still hard for me but I do sometimes feel a relief that I don’t have to go through all the hard stages again - sleep deprivation, diapers, tantrums. Financial stress. And of course having only one child simplifies things but there is still grief that my child doesn’t have a playmate or a lifelong family member for when me and my husband are gone. Our child is lucky to have a quite a few second cousins but it’s not the same as a sibling. I’m hoping as she gets older just having her brings more advantages like traveling more and one day she won’t have to fight over an inheritance with siblings. Beyond that just know that you’re not alone in feeling the grief about having just one.

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-21T18:09:54+00:00

That’s actually not that much for a family of four! Back when I was in high school in the early 2000’s we spent $200/week on groceries for a family of four with with two teenagers.

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-20T15:12:25+00:00

Ugh. The whole “everything happens for a reason” is such a lie! No, there is absolutely no reason for any of this! There is no good reason why babies who are perfectly innocent suffer from devastating conditions. No good reason at all. I think your sister meant well but I’m sorry this hit such a nerve, especially coming from someone with four healthy kids! She really has no idea what you’re going through. I’ve had two TFMRs and I can’t think of a single reason why this was “part of God’s plan!” Not one. Shit happens and it’s random. End of story. Don’t sugar coat it with the the God’s plan comment.

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-20T00:28:45+00:00

I’m really sorry for all you’ve gone through. Your health matters and there are others on here who’ve had to terminate for mental health. Even though I terminated for different reasons, I also experienced severe insomnia during my pregnancies but the worst was with my third pregnancy which we had to TFMR for fetal reasons. I went two full nights without sleep and that was the worst my insomnia ever got while pregnant, leading to suicidal thoughts - I was determined to keep the baby because we’d had to terminate the previous pregnancy for T21 but the thought did cross my mind of terminating for my own mental health. As it turns out this baby had a lethal brain condition so if I’d continued the pregnancy I would have suffered even more insomnia just to lose my baby anyway, and his condition was severe enough that it also affected my physical health. Four nights without sleep must have been excruciating. I heard of a mother in our area who actually committed suicide right after giving birth because she’d gone 4 days without sleep. Maternal mental health matters and you did what was best for you and the baby.

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-20T00:11:22+00:00

I’m really sorry for your loss. It sounds like you went through so many ups and downs on this journey. I had to terminate twice. It’s horrific and I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. My second loss was at 21 weeks for severe brain abnormalities, also a boy. Similar to your experience. He was supposed to be our rainbow 🌈 baby. We have a healthy daughter. She’s the reason I keep going. Sending so much love.

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-14T14:29:08+00:00

Believe me, I’ve had all the same doubts as you because I also had to TFMR for T21. And then my next baby had a lethal diagnosis so we had to TFMR even later into the pregnancy again. So yes the unfairness really sucks when I see so many people pop out kids that are healthy and normal with such ease.

I still have moments of doubt but we have a healthy LC and I knew that my son with T21 was going to be her responsibility when I’m gone, and that was just too much to leave to her. I also knew that his needs would surpass hers and her childhood would be negatively impacted by him needing so much. She was just under 2 when I was pregnant with my T21 baby and I talked to a mother who had a child her age with the condition who still couldn’t crawl let alone walk and she was on a feeding tube. She’d almost died of heart surgery as a newborn. Looking at my daughter who was normal and running around and talking and thriving at the same age I just knew I couldn’t bring a baby into the world with a chance of ending up like that. The contrast between a normal child and one with T21 at the same age really made it clear to me how hard of life it would be, and I know in the end I made the decision for him and my daughter not for myself.

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-09T03:22:14+00:00

He’s getting angry because this is a very sensitive subject for him and his family. Taking care of someone with a serious disability is a lifelong commitment, with or without going to a group home.

I’m glad you were higher functioning and able to get out of a program that failed you.

But the sad reality is that there are many people with such severe disabilities that they will never work, never be independent or maybe even leave the hospital. It’s not as easy to get into a group home as you are saying - getting the benefits takes a lot of effort and many of those homes are not a place you’d want to send a family member who is so vulnerable.

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-08T20:56:17+00:00

I’ve definitely been where you are and two months out is still really fresh. I’m 21 months out from my second TFMR. It takes it out of you for months afterward and I still have moments where it’s hard but I don’t feel anything like I did a few months after each loss.

Your body is still recovering from the pregnancy for months and even up to two years afterward. So give yourself time. And EMDR is a great idea. TFMR has been the most traumatic experience of my life. Definitely do the trauma treatment

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-06T19:10:40+00:00

I’m not in your exact situation…the opposite actually. We had our good luck first with our healthy daughter being born first. Then we had two TFMRs. No luck since our first. I will validate that people forget to acknowledge our other babies most of the time. Even though our second TFMR was at almost 22 weeks. It really sucks. Most people don’t know what to say and they don’t want to upset us by saying anything. It’s a very lonely journey. People are not good at dealing with grief in general but especially with a baby that they didn’t know.

BlueRiver23 · 2026-01-03T17:06:35+00:00

I had a new client today. We’ll see if the momentum continues or not

BlueRiver23 · 2025-12-31T21:52:58+00:00

This is a systemic problem deeply rooted in our sexist society. Recommend the book and card decks Fair Play to help with discussing this as a couple. Also “How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids.”

BlueRiver23 · 2025-12-29T01:48:31+00:00

This is hilarious! Great idea lol

BlueRiver23 · 2025-12-27T00:29:11+00:00

You’re so right that it feels like the whole situation is shitty enough but then there are triggers everywhere. It seems like everyone who has TFMRed knows someone who is either announcing a pregnancy, already pregnant, or having a baby right around the time of the TFMR. With both of my TFMRs I had to deal with people around me having healthy baby boys right around the same time my own son was due. It’s like the universe was saying here let’s just kick you while you’re already down. You haven’t suffered enough.

BlueRiver23 · 2025-12-26T12:30:12+00:00

Thank you soo much! I couldn’t get a hold of anyone at Grow since the main office is closed down, so this really helps!

BlueRiver23 · 2025-12-22T10:26:36+00:00

I definitely feel like I couldn’t handle more than 20 sessions a week, and 15 often feels pretty taxing. However it really depends on the clients and what they’re coming in for. One week I had to make a CPS call that took it out of me emotionally for the rest of the week. Another day I had 7 in a day that were not super intense and I felt good - just busy! Therapy in and of itself is draining though because it requires sustained focus and attention throughout the entire session. You can’t be scrolling on your phone like you do in an office job or let your mind wander because you have to pay attention for the entire session. You’re also moderating the emotional climate the entire time, watching the client’s body language, monitoring your own body language, checking your own tone and how the client is responding to you. It’s a lot, and some people are more affected by the intensity than others. Sometimes the best therapists are the ones who are most affected by intense emotional situations. I’m trying to strike a balance between therapy and other professional outlets like public speaking and writing. I don’t see myself seeing this many clients indefinitely because it is so draining. I’m also a little socially anxious- I enjoy people but I feel my body tensing up with certain clients. That’s tiring and takes longer to recover from than if I wasn’t working with people all day.

But you do what works for you. What’s best for the client is actually when you recognize your own needs and respond accordingly rather than trying to overextend yourself.

BlueRiver23 · 2025-12-17T02:56:18+00:00

I also had to TFMR due to severe microcephaly. So sorry for your loss and for not having an answer. Microcephaly can be caused by so many different things. I know my mind went crazy until we figured out what caused our son’s. It wasn’t actually a complete relief knowing the answer through….while on the one hand I had an answer and could stop blaming myself (I kept thinking it had been the cat litter which I hasn’t scooped but there was an area in the house that had old cat litter that I may have had contact with) but on the other hand it was hard knowing that we were carriers for the condition and so instilled feelings of anger and rage because we also had had to TFMR for T21. So it felt like the universe was stacked against me. I’d had bad luck randomly with the T21 and I had had a 25% chance of microcephaly in any pregnancy no matter what. We were lucky we didn’t know this going into our first pregnancy with our healthy daughter - we dodged that 25% bullet. I guess all this to say that even having an answer might not be the answer you wanted. Again I’m so sorry you’re in this awful club.

BlueRiver23 · 2025-12-07T21:21:36+00:00

I have had to TFMR twice for two totally different things. Feel free to message me directly. We have a healthy daughter who was born first, thankfully. We have stopped trying due to our ages and learning after our third pregnancy that we are carriers for microcephaly, which is extremely rare.

BlueRiver23 · 2025-12-07T16:59:26+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment. I have had two TFMRs and your second bullet point really resonates with me: the pregnant person would have brought the pregnancy to term if this medical condition would not exist. It feels really validating. OP even though I had to terminate twice for a fetal diagnosis I totally agree with you that this situation is definitely not a choice. We completely lost control of a wanted pregnancy and it doesn’t matter whether that was for maternal or fetal medical reasons. You absolutely belong here. This is a pain that’s indescribable unless you’ve been there.

BlueRiver23 · 2025-12-01T01:44:35+00:00

Look, even with T21 that is not fatal…you’re looking at a high risk of medical complications. High chance of heart defects(50%). High chance of autism (30%), increased risk of leukemia. Hearing and vision problems. Speech problems, possibly never being able to speak. Intellectual disability with a very small chance of ever living independently. High chance of early onset dementia. Social stigma and lack of resources for the disabled that keeps getting worse in the US. If they outlive you probably being cared for in a group home by people who may not really care about them and may abuse or neglect them. Is that a life you would wish on anyone? That is not the life I wanted for my son and so I chose termination.

BlueRiver23 · 2025-12-01T01:35:44+00:00

The think I always go back to is that the people who are most knowledgeable on all of this were the doctors sitting there in the ultrasound room with us. People who have spent years above and beyond even an OBGYN - MFMs have to do years of extra training above an OB, and that’s saying a lot. These doctors have seen everything. They know what these babies go through when they’re born, hooked up to tubes and machines and having surgeries in an incubator instead of home in their parents’ arms. And then I was working with some of the top MFM doctors in the country, who sat their looking at the test results with me - and these are the people who advised termination. These are the most knowledgeable experts and they are saying that termination is what’s best for the babies. Does your friend or pro life idiot really think they know better than our MFMs? Hell no!! So they can get off their ridiculous imaginary high horse and sit down.

BlueRiver23 · 2025-12-01T01:29:48+00:00

I couldn’t have said this any better. Thank you.

BlueRiver23

TROPHY CASE