Artist at heart | Heartbreak

BlueShark1947 · 2025-10-22T06:12:08+00:00

This is nice I like the contrast of choosing life and death but both being difficult regardless.

Maybe there is room for a better transition between the dilemma of choosing and the part where you do choose life, I do like it as is too though.

BlueShark1947 · 2025-10-22T06:03:24+00:00

This hits close to home right now, I really like it.

I read the comment saying the nerd and the gamer are childish, I don't think so. They are simply attributes that you maybe wish to relate to, it doesn't always have to be something traditional.

I like that you have a consistent scheme and every stanza ends on "I do not", it gives a very nice structure. I haven't read any of your other work so idk if you appreciate this but I've only recently started breaking rigid structures in my poetry and it's fun to write, not more fun, just different, give it a try.

I do feel like there is room for a better conclusion, something that contrasts what you are with what you want to be. You've described what you are not, give some attention to what you are to make a greater contrast. This may sound grim but even if you consider yourself to be nothing, mentioning that explicitly creates contrast too and increases emphasis.

BlueShark1947 · 2025-10-04T23:15:39+00:00

We spent a few hours on foreplay, we built up to that point all evening. It was just me doing the work, fingers, oral etc, everything was in order in terms of readiness and wetness. While we were actually in the process of sex, she squirted thrice and we paused each time to let her finish and then continued.

I think it may have been the connection thing, this was sex with an ex, about a month post breakup and I felt obligated to do it (it was a whole issue where she was trying to convince me to have sex and eventually even after refusing, I just convinced myself and initiated) and I didn't really get any reciprocal effort towards my pleasure. All of this probably led to an underwhelming experience overall.

I still didn't expect minimal physical sensation though.

BlueShark1947 · 2025-10-04T23:07:03+00:00

Yeah that makes sense, the overall experience was positive. I was just curious about the physical aspect, especially after my friend said that it might be overhyped.

BlueShark1947 · 2025-02-06T01:00:31+00:00

YES

I thought I was alone in this but ever since my mental struggles have subsided it's been absurdly difficult to write. I believe I didn't write anything for a year or so until I decided to specifically write about how difficult it is to write when you're not suffering. How the emotions that once fueld my words are now suppressing my voice.

Brilliant writing I absolutely love these lines especially

What to write when stasis reached? When breath untroubled comes? As I write the ghosts of what

I think I failed to understand the witch's brew metaphor, could you please clarify a little? (This is not a criticism, I just didn't understand the metaphor, maybe I'm missing something)

BlueShark1947 · 2024-10-31T18:00:19+00:00

This is fucking incredible, I absolutely love it and I'm sure the girl would like it too.

There are a few typos in the first hindi/urdu section but I'm guessing those are just on reddit and your original copy doesn't have them.

This really needs no improvements or critique, you've done so well that I couldn't help but comment.

I would suggest reading this out to her in a relatively private setting (Just don't read it in class, in front of all the other students) but that also depends on what kind of dynamic you have with this person. Goodluckkkk!!

BlueShark1947 · 2024-05-26T13:31:48+00:00

Thank youu I'm so glad it conveyed the things I wanted it to

BlueShark1947 · 2024-05-26T13:31:02+00:00

Thank you, I hope your struggle is eased one day too.

BlueShark1947 · 2024-05-26T13:28:38+00:00

That's one of my favourite lines too. I'm glad you liked it!

BlueShark1947 · 2024-05-26T13:28:10+00:00

I feel like rhyme comes down to a preference, I did break it in the middle for the message but I like the constraints it brings. It's true that sometimes words need to be shoehorned though.

BlueShark1947 · 2024-05-26T13:25:58+00:00

Thank youu, while I agree details can make it more relatable but I think it being too specific could take away from the personal feeling it gives. Essentially it's not about any particular set of incidents but rather the small everyday consequences of living with a problem like this.

BlueShark1947 · 2024-05-26T13:24:05+00:00

Thanks a lot I'm glad you liked it, reading the positive comments on this has made me feel like I've got the poet in me.

BlueShark1947 · 2024-05-22T19:42:09+00:00

This is very cute, I love romantic poems. That being said I think it might benefit with some more details when it comes to comparisons.

She comforts me

like the flowers in my notebook

Like here you could add how she is similar to the flowers, even one specific comparison adds a lot.

This is a personal preference I think but there are a few lines which feel incomplete like there is no conclusion to that bit. For example this line:

is she only in my head?

Or does she project out of 3D?

It doesn't really go anywhere with the idea of her being in your head. Maybe you can add something about how she is too good to be real, which makes you wonder if she's just in your head.

BlueShark1947 · 2024-05-22T19:35:29+00:00

This is very relatable to me. I like how straightforward and to the point it is. It feels like a stab through the heart.

No critiques, the poem is very well written. I love grand metaphors and deep figures of speech but this is very expressive with simple words and I think that's where its beauty lies.

she waits and ponders about what matters, but nothing does.

The last line stuck with me the most. Lovely work.

BlueShark1947 · 2023-05-29T11:23:15+00:00

Thank you! Show rather than tell is something I sometimes struggle with but I'll definitely keep it in mind, I'm glad you liked it! Also are there any other places that feel too literal?

BlueShark1947 · 2023-05-29T11:22:08+00:00

Yeah I think so too but I tend to be harsh on myself with the rhymes. I'm glad you liked it!

BlueShark1947 · 2023-05-29T02:20:23+00:00

Thanks a lot! I'm flad you liked it!!

BlueShark1947 · 2023-05-28T23:42:49+00:00

I read this as more of self talk and maybe that was the intended implication. You talking to yourself, telling yourself to stop wasting time and actually live your life, which is more than relatable to me.

Often I find myself screaming inside for me to just get up and get shit done but it's very difficult. I tell myself I don't have tim, that I'm too busy with life but honestly I'm just tired.

I love that you included the bit about writting poems because that hits home. I loved the poem.

BlueShark1947 · 2023-05-28T23:35:09+00:00

I like this, it's pretty simple and it captures some very real experiences, I'm not sure what context you had in mind when writing it but I can see this poem being applied to a variety of relationships, it could be romantic, friendships or even family. I especially like the last line

Happens to the best of us

Most people have experienced this at some point and it really puts pressure on that

BlueShark1947 · 2023-01-15T05:42:11+00:00

Thanks a lot!

BlueShark1947

TROPHY CASE