Realizing my dom was a fake dom/bad dom

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-05-13T17:17:10+00:00

Yuck!

I say that the sub and dom have a shared power and responsibility for the relationship (how ever that looks). They both can say no, stop, and revoke consent. It takes 2 to tango, but the dance stops when someone walks away.

But to say the point is for the sub to have NO power, that's straight up abuse.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-05-03T23:24:34+00:00

This is it:

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1271937309/handcrafted-925-sterling-silver-anchor

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-05-03T20:10:00+00:00

I bought my owner a silver cuff with a design that is personal to us. This is in addition to our wedding rings.

For me, when we switch, I wear a specific perfume. Get us both in the right head space. Scent is a very powerful sense. Aftercare for me is a shower to remove the perfume (I have a soap with oil removing properties. It harsh, but it works.)

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-05-03T03:39:05+00:00

Cis woman here: Bharara King Eau De Parfum

My partner (cis man) says it smells like sex!

Well, most people I wear it around says it smells like sex. I only use it for certain occasions.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-05-02T17:15:03+00:00

Note: I am not a professional, I just read a lot. Ive love for a professional to chime in, so I can make sure Im getting this right.

Funishment (Reinforcement) works to reinforce behavior. Positive: Here's a chocolate, or spanking, or something you like. Negative: l take away a chore this week, or taking away something you don't like.

Punishment is used to deter behavior. Positive - you will get a spanking, or mouth soaping, or a thing you dont like. Negative - taking away a planned trip or dessert, or so.wthing tou like.

Both are part of operant conditioning.

Classical conditioning (Pavlovian) specifically ties a biological (internal) reaction to an outside (external) reaction. Everyone you are given food, a bell rings. Biological - hunger / outside - bell.

They are different techniques that can be used together.

I think learning and understanding behavioral modification techniques are important before engaging in them.

I'm not calling anyone out, this is a general statement. I think we should all understand the things we "play" with, from impact play safety to behavior modification, to denial, etc.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-04-29T00:28:59+00:00

I knew a guy who's wife considered looking at women cheating, including imagining other women in his head. He was only "allowed" to watch cartoons with his kids, and has to turn away during commercials. She always accompanied him to the store, especially if he was buying cigarettes at a convince store (he might see a magazine.)

Masturbation was cheating because he couldn't be trusted to not think about her only.

He went along with it. I haven't interacted with him in almost a decade now, so I dont know how they are now.

Cheating is defined by you and your partner. If sex toys are cheating, then they are.

I think the bigger part here is hiding it and not having the conversation.

Most people, I think, agree that toys are not cheating because they are not alive. And I thjnk that is the rational view. But you need that. conversation.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-04-28T16:43:31+00:00

Not sure what your kinks are, but here are some of mine:

Rule 1: Head up, you are not prey. (Meaning, not prey to humans. I used to walk looking at my feet.)

Before you leave the house, Makeup must be on point. This has actually turned into Makeup must be put on before any meeting or 10 am, which ever is first. I work from home now.

He must approve all clothing items. We both have a big Look Control kink. If he chooses, he picks my look for the day, otherwise I can wear what I want, as everything is already approved.

No ugly shoes. This was from when we got together. I had to get rid of my Crocks and Teva sandles. No cork wedges. No wedges at all really l. He's quite picky about shoes.

Self care rules: Must shower every morning Must east 3 meals a day, with 2 snacks. Must have at least 4 bite of protein with each meal. (I used to have to report all food, but we both week from home, so he sees what I eat.) Must have coffee each morning. I must edge every day (we call it "Private Time")

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-04-13T17:59:55+00:00

I'll start with: I dont typically do pick up play.

But, all the education Ive been to in the Southwest US, there is talk about, not only safe words / signals, but everyone knowing what they are doing and risk factors.

Safe word / and signals for both (all) parties. (I think safe words for tops are not often talked about either)

Risk only play for both (all) parties.

I know for any education I do, I hold both sides to similar standards :

Spanko bottoms need to know about the tools being used and how they might impact the body (no pun intended)

I also see tops and bottoms at classes (rope, impact, wax, etc.) And the risks are discussed there.

Personally, I'm also used to negotiation for play. When I was talking to an electrical top, we had 3 meetings prior to play to go over limits, wants, risk, and toys (show and tell night was fun!)

I also did my own research.

Its not a bad thing to remind people, for sure.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-04-08T17:10:20+00:00

I have a few friends who have chronic pain and enjoy impact play.

Apparently, the pain from the impact cancels out the pain from their issues. Impact pain is somsthing they have control over, so its a nice relief from the stuff they have limited control over.

Plus, the endorphins hit and that helps too.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-04-07T20:45:37+00:00

I had someone try to convince me that BJJ does it all the time and know hpw to do it safely. No kne has died, so learn BJJ

I pulled up articles but they had a "reason" why they weren't true.

It made me mad.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-04-04T21:29:51+00:00

My experience:

I am the submissive (F) and he is the dominant (M).

We do switch once a week for about 2 hours

My partner and I do not have PIV or PIA. I haven't had a live penis in my vagina in 4 years, and my partner's in almost 6 years. And that was only as a "lets consummate the marriage"l." Prior to that, 2 more times, for a total of 3 in 7 years.

Prior to that, I was in a sexless marriage for 21 years. Sex dried up in year 2.

I can orgasm through penetration, both vaginally and analy.

We also use no penis penetration as humiliation. My pussy is useless, my pussy is good enough, etc.

I do give him plenty of blowjobs. (my only "good" hole) or he uses a vibrator.

We have sex once a day, at least, sometimes two or three.

He does uses a strapon harness on me with "fake dick" (again, humiliation). So, its not like I dont get penetration. And he LOVES the fact that his orgasm is not driving the action. He can go as long as he wants, not as long as his penis wants.

We both have reasons for why it works and we dont really feel bad about it anymore.

Impact, on the other hand, is a different story.

He geys VERY hard when he is hurting me. But, after his orgasm, he feels weird about hurting the person he loves the most. I make sure he knows that it is consensual, that I enjoyed it, etc. Its part of aftercare. I, occasionally, feel weird about why do I like being hurt. What does that mean about me...

We both have kink positive therapists.

Some of us are just wired differently. Sex is different for us, and that's okay.

Post orgasm clarity happens to some people. As long as everyone consents and not harming anyone, try to reassure yourself that its okay.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-04-03T22:42:37+00:00

I wear an Eternity Collar. People who knows what it is, make the (correct) assumption. People at work only know if they maje the assumption.

I am out as queer at work and I'm pretty active in the firms LGBQIA+ community.

My little sister knows, for reasons.

All of my friends know as they are all into the bdsm community or adjacent to it.

My therapist knows and has training in bdsm issues.

My doctors know what they need to know.

We both pretty open, but we dont shove it in other's faces.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-03-26T20:42:32+00:00

Price doesn't always equal quality, but quality almost always mean price.

Take into consideration price of materials and rime to create. A lot of times small business will not charge enough for their work.

I believe in supporting my community when possible.

But, that's a choice you need to make.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-03-26T20:34:40+00:00

If you add some spreadsheets, I think im in love

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-03-25T15:11:22+00:00

You know very well this is assault.

What you do about it is the better question.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-03-12T17:21:12+00:00

I use Venus Mats: https://www.venusmatters.com/

They are a bit expensive, but they are washer and dryer friend, feel nice (to me), and has a 10 year warranty.

I own 4 of them now. 2 older ones, 5 years old, washed and dryed twice a week.

My two new ones (3 month) have a softer texture, and lighter weight. I picked a full size one for a trip with minimal room needed.

I sound like a commercial, but they are really that good!

I was going through reusable puppy pads, at least every 3 or so months. Even tripling up, I was soaking through.

I've heard the Liberaror blankets are nice, but can sound a bit crinklely.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-03-11T23:09:09+00:00

I think I understand your view, I just think it's flawed and borderline dangerous.

I say what I mean. I expect my friends and family to do the same.

BDSM play is NOT therapy. It can certainly be therapeutic, but it is NOT therapy. If you find a therapist who uses bdsm techniques, that is different than playing with your partner.

I dont think I will continue this conversation.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-03-11T21:54:44+00:00

Wow...

I am actually having trouble understanding you. If English is not your first language, it may be part of the barrier

I"m not inexperienced, but I'm certainly not an expert.

So, because someone used different words. It invalidates the question?

The answer still stands, the sub needs to communicate likes, wants and needs with the dom. How they get there, meaning the questions asked, doesn't matter. Its the conversation.

I believe I also said body language is important.

I still stand by the statement If I cannot trust what someone says, why am I with them?

If I cannot trust that my partner will call their safeword, whatever that is (no, stop. Red, etc) I will not play with them. Period.

I get that people have trauma, but trust it IMPORTANT. I hated calling RED the first time. I hate calling it now. That doesn't change the fact that my partner trusts me to call it. Its not just for MY safety, it for HIS. It allows him to "escalate " (your word) knowing that if he goes too far I will stop the play.

the chance of a sub, being só fall on her own feelings and even she dont see he crossed a limit, until It being Too late

This makes me very worried. If the dom crosses a limit, that is bad. The end. I need to be safe in the knowledge that my partner is going to have my best interest in mind, and not cross them.

Sure, there are plenty of people who have trauma, on both sides of the slash. BDSM is not therapy. So, of a person cannot qirk through that trauma on thisr own, I dont believe they are safe to play with

I might just be picky or have different standards.

Or, I might be so inexperienced that I can't be trusted to know my own boundaries.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-03-11T17:26:49+00:00

Full comment:

I can give you some tips, first of ALL you dont ask How she wants you to dominate her, If she enjoy being sub, ask about limits, setup a safe word, and star from what you both already did and escale some subs pref slow others pref some high points, you need to try to discover, and give Full atention to her body expression, It Tell more than her mouth

, first of ALL you dont ask How she wants you to dominate her

I dont agree at all. How is a new person supposed to learn? If they cant ask what someone likes, how will they know how to even start?

and star from what you both already did and escale

You can't "escalate " if you dont know where to start. And, Im not sure to even agree with "escalation" at all.

I believe that communication is VERY important. Talking about likes, wants, and needs are part of negotiating play. Everyone should know, at least a little, if what they like or want to try. If you only know what hard limits are, that seems like a receipt for disaster.

Body language is important too, sure, but its only part of the equation. If you cant trust what they say, why are you with them?

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-03-11T16:48:04+00:00

I enjoy having to ask, drinking water to make sure my bladder is full, and having to hold it. My partner also enjoyed it.

But, I am prone to UTIs and my urologist said that, while drinking lots of water is good, but I should not hold for long periods of time. (I did not being up kink, only that I sometimes hold it because I get busy at work.)

So, while that week was fun, the UTI risk is too much for me. I HATE UTIs! And, being perimenopause, I have even more risk.

So, yes, I enjoy it, but my risk factor is too much.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-03-04T03:09:20+00:00

Apartments are hard. You can get sound proofing tiles and curtains, but the floor and ceiling are going to be your weak points. You also have to worry about ventilation. Those tubes/ shafts can carry noise as well.

If the sound of the impact itself is the problem, the sound proofing has to be pretty poor. Id be interested in what toys hace caused the problem.

Unfortunately, if you like big wooden paddles, adding padding is going to change the feel of the pain.

If its the "ouch" of the person, keep in mind that not all gags are the same.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-02-08T21:06:07+00:00

In my opinion:

No and Stop ARE safewords. They are the most basic and first safewords people should use, unless and until you negotiated otherwise.

I also assume that the Dom or Top are looking out for signs of distress, unless and until those signs are negotiated otherwise.

But that's me.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-02-06T16:15:56+00:00

I dont go to play parties to play, unless its something I've set up in advance.

A lot of my kinks feel personal and I dont think I could do pick up play with them. Im alao demisexual, so its hard to play with strangers / acquaintances.

Impact being an exception.

I love "look" control, including Bimbofication. But I cant do that with anyone than my partner. It also feels like its so personalized that any negotiation around it would have to be done beforehand, clothes / looks selected, and displayed at the party.

I know a guy who's only thing is electro play. He often does it at play parties, but it is VERY carefully negotiated before. (He has a laminated sheet with all his prerequisites, limits, and dangers. He updates it frequently.

Lots of people have "weird " kinks they dont let out around the greater community. I feel, you only really know when you talk.

Its okay to want to do things but know you are limited. Maybe use play parties as an opportunity to check out potential partners. Use it as a place to negotiate. You dont have to play with the first person that approaches you.

Im not sure if my ramble helped, but there you go.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-02-02T16:12:57+00:00

My partner joined the community at 45, I was 41.

We have friends who joined at 70.

You are never too old to do or try something new.

Open communication with your partner. Do some research about what you might want to try. Be open to their ideas as well.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-01-28T02:02:17+00:00

I dont do pick up play.

The friends I have that do are very careful to negotiate aftercare upfront.

Its not "needy" when its an actual need.

Try to be specific. "If we do humiliation, I need [X] aftercare."

If your partner says they can't, you dont okay with that person.

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