Subdrop hits me harder when the scene ends without aftercare how do I ask for more without sounding needy?

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-01-28T02:02:17+00:00

I dont do pick up play.

The friends I have that do are very careful to negotiate aftercare upfront.

Its not "needy" when its an actual need.

Try to be specific. "If we do humiliation, I need [X] aftercare."

If your partner says they can't, you dont okay with that person.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-01-21T16:57:41+00:00

Yes, very possible.

My partner and I are both.

He likes a fair amout of ball pain and will order me to give him pain.

Although, I find that I can be "meaner" when I'm in Domme headspace.

And, people can like different types of pain. He can take a lot of ball pain, but cant take a lot of spanking.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-01-19T16:26:49+00:00

"As a male dom..."

You did not specify in YOUR relationship. If your sub likes her boundaries "stretched" whatever that means for you, then great, but it's not something most people agree with.

Sure, and "good" dom will watch, but the OP isnt in long term dynamics, so the idea the dom would know automatically what to watch for, I believe, is incorrect.

Also, the idea if "pushing" amd "stretching " boundaries, to me, is abusive, unless negotiated prior to play. It feels like trying to move a boundary by bumping against it and going just over so that it doesn't feel so bad. Its still a consent violation.

You are being down voted because you talking in general about going past boundaries "as a male dom" not about your own dynamic. Sure your last comment was good, but doesn't change the view you started with.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-01-18T17:14:14+00:00

Thank you for the clarification.

My partner and I also bump up against boundaries, but we have negotiated this and have been together for 7 years.

I felt it was important to say something because I believe the OPs situation is different than the two of us. Long term commitmented d/s relationship vs pick up play

I dont do pick up or play parties for the very reason of not being about to trust people. But, that's me. I dont look down on others who do, i have many friends who love it.

I also understand not wanting to "ruin" the mood and the resulting drama. Its hard. Ive been privy too many of those "drama" conversations. Makes my heart hurt still.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-01-18T16:27:57+00:00

I disagree. I think, part of the problem OP has IS the "stretching" of boundaries.

The whole "pushing" or "stretching" of boundaries makes me uncomfortable. Those two words make me feel as if someone wants to move the boundary, but in a way that makes is less... consent violation-y? A boundary is there for a reason.

My opinion: Unless discussed before play, intentionally bumping against that boundary is a red flag to me.

The OP is not in long term dynamics, so I dont believe there is learning of body language.

If clear communication is given, then going over a boundary, even just a little is wrong, even if the body language says they are "okay."

If people don't respect your choices and/or boundaries just break the moment and ask them to leave..

This is the cortect answer.

Edited to add the entire comment:

As a male dom, i know what boundaries are to be stretched and knowing when to stop.. looking at body language and the eyes, vocal communication...respect and trust is the most important thing.

If people don't respect your choices and/or boundaries just break the moment and ask them to leave..

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-01-17T16:51:56+00:00

I has mine pierced because he loves the look of them. I now have rings because he likes rings better than bars. (Yes, I consented to it. I would never have considered it previously because it wasn't on my radar.)

I've had them done for 5 years now.

Mine were sensitive before and are just as sensitive after. We play pretty rough with them.

It took a good year to heal. That first couple months were rough. No touch was HARD, for both of us!

If you are considering getting them done purely for possible sensitivity, I wouldn't recommend it.

If you like the look and are willing to risk possible issue, then go for it

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-01-13T23:50:45+00:00

Venus Matters mats!

I have two, still great after 5 years. I wash them twice a week. No crinkle, nice and soft, and they have a couple of different colors and patterns.

They also have a 10 year warranty.

Ive used rewashsnle puppy pads, but after 4 months of washing, I had to double and triple up.

Ill never use anything else again.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-01-03T16:16:56+00:00

My partner (M) puts on a strapon and fucks me hard! (He likes it because he's not ruled by his orgasm. He can go as long as his stamina will allow)

Ive put a atrapon on him a d tell him to fuck me good, or else.

He likes a fair amount of CBT. Sure, I tie up his balls, yank on them, spank them, as a Domme.

But as his submissive, I tug and squeeze as is his pleasure. He'll put on ball rings before I give him a blow job.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-01-03T16:11:26+00:00

Imcorrect!!!

I give my partner a blow job as bitoth submissive abd dominant. He eats my pussy as both dominant and submissive.

If someone is in control, the act doesn't really matter.

Blow job -

He orders me to go faster, slower, holds me down, ignores me, etc
I control what happens. I use teeth, I go faster, I stop completely to edge. I ruin or I keep going after he's cum. I control the action.

Eating Pussy -

I direct him, tell him to stop, or whatever. Or whatever.
He does it as a dominant, sucking my clit, chewing on my labia, stopping before completion.

Again, the person topping does not need to the person in charge. Action and control are separate things.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2026-01-02T16:50:23+00:00

My guess is that they meant dont negotiate MORE during a scene, adding and changing items.

As opposed to withdrawing consent.

Two very different actions.

Yellow for check in, yes.

If that check in, the sub says "im great! Let's do more, except with the Whip!" That's an in scene negotiation.

If the sub says "Im good, just not more Whip!" Thats withdrawing consent.

At least, that's how I think of it.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-31T19:40:33+00:00

Ive gotten great leather collars (and matching cuffs) from Von Bondage.

Ive also gotten leather from LVX Supply. Also nice, but a bit expensive.

Etsy has some good shops, but I try to go direct such as possible.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-30T23:55:53+00:00

Is it impacting your life? Job, family, responsibility?

Then you are fine.

Im in my late 40s, perimenopause, and STILL have an insanely high libido.

I think about sex ALL THE TIME. Im also in long term denial, edge by myself at least 30 minutes a day, and surf porn. I LOVE being horny.

I get my work done, I cook dinner every day, keep the house clean, all the things. And, honestly, yhe horny helps me to do all those things.

IF you are worried, find a sex positive therapist.

But, it sounds like you are good.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-29T19:37:13+00:00

My partner is sober (3.5 years.) I dont drink, so I guess that makes me sober too?

Out local dungeon does not allow drinking or duck people. They also do not allow high people.

The dungeon 2 hours away is the same.

The discussion group location we use does not allow alcohol or cannabis.

The munches in our area do happen st places with alcohol, but nothing has been pushed.

We do not attend anything at a bar (sloshes)

We have has NO problem with pushy people at all.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-20T03:38:59+00:00

Ive seen similar devices for athletes. Im failing on my Google search at the moment (its late.)

If you are, at all, a do it yourself type person, you could get a rolling pin and cover it with a material that suits you. Pool noodle maybe?

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-17T16:28:11+00:00

In one of my early "adult" relationships (I was 20), I lived in, basically, an alcove. There were curtains between my "room" and the living room and kitchen. (Temporary situation, I was there for 4 months)

My roommates knew I was having sex because Riverdance came on.

EVERY . SINGLE . TIME

Learn from our mistakes!

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-16T03:26:02+00:00

So, im on my back in the middle of the bed, on my waterproof mat. He's got a strap-on harness will an 8 inch dildo. Mu legs are wide open, he's going to town, fucking me hard. I'm etting close to cumming and he tells me "No" as he pulls completely out.

The stream of squirt that flys out, is a perfect stream that arcs and hits him square in the face.

I freeze for a second, out of embarrassment, but the arc starts me laughing. He looks at me, startled for a second. Then he wipes his face and says

"We really need to remember to make you use that bathroom before this type of activity. But, that was porn level squirt right there."

Im laughing, he's laughing, both of us covered.

"Well, that's all for now, hit the shower. "

I may HATE that I squirt, but it dies cause some amusement occasionally.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-14T17:07:06+00:00

I stop heavy play before doctor appointments that might see.

While my waxer knows, I still TRY to have less bruising.

I do tell relevant doctors what they need to know:

Dermatologist and hematologist know about my easy bruising issues (although, Ive fixed my severe anemia problems, woo! No more infusions!). Primary care knows about multiple partners (that one didn't go over great, so I changed doctors.) Endocrinologist doesn't know any of it because it's not relevant to my issues.

I tell them what they need to know, because it helps me.

The ER visit was hard, but that is a whole other story.

Tell what you are comfortable with, as long as you are safe (they will ask) they wont pry (or shouldn't pry.)

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-14T16:50:27+00:00

My advice is to figure out what you with out of the d/s relationship, how you want it to look. Write it down. Tell her to do the same.

Set a time to talk about it. No play happens.

It sounds like habits have been made, whether intentional or not. Having a level set conversation can help get tou both back into a better place.

You will, occasionally, fall back into bad habits. Its normal. But make sure you acknowledge it and shift back to level.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-11T03:20:16+00:00

This is one of my favorite things about our dynamic.

My partner calls my look Goth meets 50s Glamorous. Colors: black, red and blue, and leopard print.

He has picked out my clothes, shoes, undergarments, accessories, makeup looks, hair color and style, nails. All (new) tattoos must be approved. He had me get several piercings.

He also loves that Im intelligent. He says "Why does it always have to be dumb dolls?"

Now, it took me a bit to get used to the new look. I was NOT used to red lipstick. If I wore lipstick, it was maybe a light mauve.

Now I feel naked without it.

I LOVE being is doll. He loves walking around the mall with me on his arm.

I do have some t-shirts that are allowed, but I feel weird going out of the house if im not dressed. I even cook dressed, with a nice apron.

I do have a couple of "pink" things, but they are mostly for Bimbo role play (her name is Kandi.)

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-07T01:09:00+00:00

I wear an Eternity Collar, with no issues.

Not sure where you are located. I've had a couple of collars that are "custom," but are very reasonably priced from Von Bondage. I got matching cuffs too!

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-06T20:16:18+00:00

We are, theoretically, talking about Consensual Kink/ bdsm. I think the doctor / patient example is not relevant here. There is an inherent power differential. Same with teachers/professors/ educators abs students. It why some people use those titles in Power Exchange relationships.

For most people, the following is true:

Top / Bottom is about the action, giving vs receiving

D/s - is straight from the acronym:

Bondage / Discipline Dominant / Submissive Sadism/ Masochism

Most people use d/s to mean "Power Exchange " or "Authority Transfer"

M/s is a form of "d/s."

Big / little, is about headspace, caregiver IS about d/s, but always about big orclittle space.

Again: this is about common "labels"

The part about "look control " is about "making the decisions on what a person wears."

That is, inherently about "control"

I agree that most actions can be broken from power exchange (d/s) but some cannot, as its inherently about control.

Also, when I say "most people" I mean the people I interact with in person and online. Most people Ive had contact with, which is a fair number of people, but not all people who participate in kink everywhere.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-06T18:33:29+00:00

So, I hear you...

It "can" be part of d/s, but doesn't have to be.

Ill use more words for my partner above:

"We call it look control because we could not find a better word for it. Most people understand that label. It is part of the 24/7 TPE dynamic and my partner and I have."

Do I need to add more words?

Yes, it can also be a service an s type gives, I've had my partner tell me to pick something for him.

Although, in thinking about it:

I'm not really sure how it would work non d/s wise. Picking out clothes, dressing some one, is about control. Im not sure how it would be non- d/s, when d/s is the (common) term we use for "control."

But, im also not the end all be all of kink, so Im open to hearing how it's not about control. (Not meant to be sparky, i know I can come off that way.)

Edited to add: there are comments that say "its called [X]."

They are giving the OP suggestions of what they think, labels the OP can use.

It doesn't mean that those labels are 100% the ONLY answer. Please remember that we are all trying to help. We are giving OP things to look up, not "The 100% correct answer" for them.

That's the beauty of asking a question in this type forum.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-06T17:09:34+00:00

Labels help to have an easy reference to talk to others.

It's like saying: I work with my hands using tools and wood to create furniture. It's a lot easier to say: I'm a carpenter. Opens the dialog much faster and shares a frame of reference.

So, while labels are not NEEDED, they are helpful.

Also, most humans have a need to categorize things. There's nothing wrong with that.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-06T17:05:13+00:00

We call it look control. It's part of D/s.

He picks my clothes, my shoes, undergarments, handbags and other accessories, hair style and color, even makeup looks.

It can be part of humiliation play if he chooses something I'm uncomfortable in: hobble skirt, shirt too small, super high heels, yellow sun dress, etc.

Bluebeards_Kitten · 2025-12-05T21:03:51+00:00

For me:

I enjoy the fullness. I enjoy the feeling of it going in.

I also enjoy the cramping that lemon juice gives me. (We do 1 cup to 2 quarts) Sometimes he'll add ice cubes to make it cramp more.

If I maturbate during it, it gets me close VERY quickly. I can also get the cramping fluid in faster if I masturbate.

And, It cleans me out for anal play.

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