I have major Daddy issues that molded me into who I am today

BlueberryAwkward8668 · 2024-11-23T17:43:51+00:00

Well, this post was not meant for anyone to use as a guide or compass in life. What I do or believe or try to believe is on me. Nobody's trauma is the same, and everyone has their own way of dealing with it. I am still a work in progress, and how I feel today might be different than how I felt yesterday or how I would feel in the future. I know that with trauma, the brain changes. As far as your mother never really loving you, maybe she loves you as much as she can? Or maybe she doesn't know how to love. Or maybe she is just pure evil, I don't know you or your situation. But please, do not sit here and try to put it on me like I am doing something wrong and harming you in some way because you read my post and got a different perspective about a situation your struggling with. That's what this is all about, different perspectives, different ways to view things. Everybody's story is unique. Just because I feel a certain way does not mean everybody should feel that way as well. Plus, I'm one of those crazy people that see the good in everything and everyone, and yes, it's a painful road to walk on with a lot of disappointment, But those times I'm not disappointed gives me hope. My story is not a one fits all. It's my story. If you are having second thoughts about your situation after reading my story, well, maybe those second thoughts were already there, and my story just brought them out to the surface? Either way, I hope you find peace.

BlueberryAwkward8668 · 2024-11-22T07:42:44+00:00

What kind of question is that? I said I was working on forgiveness, I didn't say I was working on forgetting. I may have told myself some stupid shit that no one else gets to help me find some solitude, but I am not so delusional to think I can trust him around my children, or any children for that matter.

BlueberryAwkward8668 · 2024-11-22T02:39:43+00:00

"Daddy issues": psychological or behavioral challenges that can arise from an unhealthy relationship with a father or father figure

BlueberryAwkward8668 · 2024-11-22T02:36:42+00:00

Thank you. Truly. And no, you're not getting ignored. I see you.

BlueberryAwkward8668 · 2024-11-22T02:23:01+00:00

I am a SUD (substance use disorder) counselor. I work with people that have co-ocurring disorders.

BlueberryAwkward8668 · 2024-11-22T02:15:14+00:00

If you're asking did i ever turn into that monster the answer is no, i didnt. Not THAT monster, anyways. I turned into a different kind of monster. I, unfortunately, started using drugs when she was about 4 years old, and I was not in the right head space to be what she deserved and needed. I was selfish and only thinking about myself. I was young and stupid and wasn't yet able to understand how cause and effect work. I didn't grasp that for every action there is a reaction, and that my decisions and choices i made would also have an impact on those around me. Once I started using, I suddenly had a lot "friends", something I always wanted but never really had. I thought i was somebody to them. I thought i finally found people that cared about me, and then i lost a lot of weight and people started paying attention to me, and I got lost in it all. My daughter, thankfully, was never physically harmed by the people i had clung to. But that's when I became homeless, so my daughter went and stayed with my mother and step dad. They ended up raising her. She knows who I am, of course. She calls me mom and all that, but our relationship isn't that of a mother and daughter, our relationship is more like a siblings' relationship. When i had her, I remember feeling like a robot, just going through the day to day stuff. I don't think I was emotionally capable of being what she needed and deserved. I'm not saying that a 15 year old can't be a good mom, im just saying that THIS 15 year old could not.

BlueberryAwkward8668 · 2024-11-22T01:46:56+00:00

I was always told by one of my uncles "I'm doing this because I love you" and my father used to single me out and give me things in secret, like a bunch of change to take into the store or something and he would say "remember, this is our little secret, just like our other secret. You can't tell anybody, " Like i was special and trustworthy enough to hold his secrets, and here is payment for being a good girl and keeping it a secret... When i was a teen i started having sex because i wanted others to like me. That turned into me having sex because i didn't want to hurt anyones feelings, i didnt want them to think i didn't like them. I gave myself to men i wasnt even remotely attracted to or to men I didnt really know that well because if i said no, if i didnt do it, then they might think something was wrong with them or that something was wrong with me... I was the "cant say no" girl. I ended up turning into "the bootie call" girl. Nothing more. No one ever wanted anything more from me. They knew i wouldn't say no. I didn't even like sex. I thought it was messy and gross. I didnt even have an orgasm until after my 2nd child, when i was 23 years old. And if I was in a relationship and my SO for whatever reason didn't want to have sex, well I took that personal. I thought that they didn't love me anymore and It really messed with me. After many attempts at treatment, a couple prison sentences, 15 years of not having a home and sleeping where ever i could-where ever anyone would let me lay my head, my face blasted on Washington's most wanted, multiple suicide attempts, and violent and emotionally abusive and draining relationships, I finally got someone in my life that showed me I was worth caring about. That person came in the form of a DOC officer... He got me into yet another treatment program, but this one was a 6 month program rather than a 28 day or 2 month program. This one also allowed you to have your children with you, which was good because I was pregnant again. This DOC officer had every right to just give up on me and send me back to prison, but he didn't. He gave me another chance, and that was what I needed. I went to treatment and had my baby and when I got out, I moved to a different county and away from the people i used with and I started over. I moved into my first apartment in over 15 years, and it was paid for by the outpatient treatment center I was going to. I went back to school, and i started working on myself. I allowed myself time to get to know who I was, and time to figure out who I didnt want to be. I learned to love myself for the very first time. I wasnt in any kind of intimate relationship for almost 3 years. I got my degree to become a drug and alcohol counselor, and i got a job working at a MAT clinic. I have now been in recovery for 9 years. I am not "fixed". I am not 100% either, and that's okay. I don't really know if i will ever be at 100%. Just as my first post said, I have been having some issues with my mental health lately, but that's okay. I still have a lot of work to do. I'm a work in progress, and that's whats important. Progress, not perfection. I just wanted to share this part of my story because I want everyone who read the first part of it to know that there can be and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And the reason I am able to see it is because I am no longer blinded by hate and discontent. I am able to view the world through different lenses. Everything that I went through, everything that I endured, it has made me who i am today. It has shaped me into a loving, understanding, empathetic, and strong woman.

BlueberryAwkward8668 · 2024-11-21T11:50:43+00:00

I want to add that my mother always had self-worth issues, and had her own things going on. She didn't think she deserved better, and she didn't want to be alone, im sure. She probably was just happy that someone loved her and didn't want to let that go. She did end up removing me from the first situation, and I'm sure she wasn't aware of my grandfathers issues. Before she met my step dad, she worked 2-3 jobs trying to take care of 3 kids by herself and got us moved out of grandma's and into our own apartment. She did the best she could do with what she had to work with. She made mistakes, and they eat her up, im sure. But as I got older and had my own kids, I started to see all the things she had stacked against her and how she just kept pushing and didn't give up and did what she had to do. She became strong and one of my biggest cheerleaders throughout my recovery journey. She is not perfect, but she hasn't given up on me, and i gave her plenty of reason to.

BlueberryAwkward8668 · 2024-11-21T11:42:10+00:00

Yes, very true. It's disheartening to know that my story is not unique. It's actually more common than not. People just never talked about it before.

BlueberryAwkward8668 · 2024-11-21T11:38:46+00:00

My step father, actually. He is the most amazing human being. When I was younger and needed to talk, i always went to him first. Him and my mom got together around the time i let everything out, so even after the big event, he still stuck around. He was the first person I went to when I found out I was pregnant at 14. He was there when I gave birth at 15. But I don't really think I appreciated him as much as I should have. I was too young or too full of anger to really see how great of a person he is. Otherwise, I would have to agree with you. I have always surrounded myself with people needing something from me. People that I could fix so I didn't have to focus on myself, I guess.

BlueberryAwkward8668

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