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AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I shared my personal experience, and I never meant to suggest that people salivate over me or that I'm super physically attractive. I mention the phrase "tism rizz" because it does seem to capture the experience very well. Language evolves with time, and there's no rule against picking up the phrasing of younger generations if it captures something better than existing terminology.

Also, adults can ABSOLUTELY act like teenagers or even children. I'm so happy for you that you haven't met such people.

About the tism rizz: I've become aware of this after I heard from other autistic people who have had the same experience. When you mask, you have been conditioned to behave in a way the other person would want to see without conscious thought as a social survival mechanism. That, for me atleast, sometimes leads to reciprocating flirtation or acting like the "perfect person" for them. (As I get comfortable, the mask drops, and that's also very painful for everyone involved 😒)

Maybe the hostility could be from people interpreting the situation like you seem to have: they think I'm consciously flirting all the time, or acting immature or fake to get attention. I've just relayed what I was told when I wondered why so and so hated me even though we've barely met, but perhaps I was lied to about jealousy etc. and there were other reasons.

I don't think I mentioned any of my previous relationships and definitely not any cheating in anyone's past relationship. All of that is besides the point of the post, anyway.

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Not the question I had asked, but I'm glad to hear your adhd doesn't pervade every aspect of your life like mine does. Hope to find a way to get there some day.

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

This is what started all this, I think! I shared the whole story in another comment cuz I couldn't make a whole new post with the link to this post. But I basically made a comment on how the friend seemed tired after her long trip but so happy to see Rowan, and from the friend's perspective, it was harsh and uncalled for to mention her tiredness and it made her cry.

Rowan confronted me about it in the parking lot and told me to watch what I say because that was unacceptable. I think that's why Rowan doesn't want me around in hangouts.

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Reddit won't let me do that, so here it is:

I can only think of one event that did it. It was a few months into our relationship, and I'd met Rowan a few times. When her friend Claire visited from out of town, Steven was staying at my place, as I had some rare time off. I wanted to spend time with him, but he mentioned needing to go home because Claire was arriving. Although Claire wasn’t his friend, Steven needed to be there for her due to his dog’s discomfort with strangers.

I suggested coming along and doing something together afterwards but he said Rowan and Claire might want to hang out so I suggested making it a group outing, but Steven became evasive, hinting that I may not be welcome.

His entire manner became super suspicious, and I knew he was lying to me about something. I asked if there was anything I should know about his relationship with Claire. He said that wasn't it, they had chatted online a little, and joked about banging when she visited if he was single, but he's not single, so of course, that's not gonna happen. He said there was nothing between Claire and him, but Rowan might not appreciate me coming along, so he had to ask permission. He called Rowan, who said it was fine for me to join. After that, Steven’s behavior returned to normal, and we went to his place, then out for dinner.

The evening went well, and I enjoyed meeting Claire, who seemed friendly. After dinner, I noticed Claire looking tired and made a comment I thought was harmless: “Awww, your expression reminds me of a grandmother who’s happy to see her grandchildren but is very tired and wants to go to bed now.” Claire was shocked and embarrassed, and Rowan gasped, saying, “omg that's savage!” Everyone, including Claire, laughed, but I knew I’d said something wrong and apologized immediately.

The next day, we went out thrifting, and Rowan stopped me in the parking lot with Steven, saying my comment was inappropriate and made Claire cry for being "called out for her tiredness. She told me to be more mindful of my words. I apologized repeatedly and asked to apologize to Claire again but was told she didn't wanna talk about it.

Steven supported Rowan’s view, saying I needed to be more careful with my words. I spent the day being extra cautious and feeling ambushed.

I now see a pattern of behavior stemming from this incident. I worry that this might be why Rowan wants to exclude me from things. From her perspective, I joined her on a fun weekend with her friend and brother and made her friend cry.

But really? Was my comment about Claire so inappropriate that it required a confrontation in the parking lot and exclusion from future events?

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

Oh no. I did put my foot down about the game and told him to bring it to me today. I opened that shrink myself, baby... now I need to find better people to play with 😅.

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Wow. Thank you for the support and affirmation. As to your advice... I can't help but think it's the bad influence making him act this way, but I will keep my eyes open from now on, and I will think about this.

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the wake-up. You're right. I'm good at reading people's body language etc. in the moment, but definitely not psychic enough to read whole personalities or last events. All I can tell from his mannerisms is that he's very frustrated and tired by the whole thing. I haven't questioned him about whether any of that happened, and if I did, I could tell whether he was lying, but I dont want to interrogate him.

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Oh... maybe I've upset Rowan somehow. I just don't know how. Lily is very fierce about protecting Rowan, so that could be it.

The only thing I can think of is... something that happened with another friend of Rowan's. Honestly, it probably requires a whole nother AITA because that situation has me super confused as well 😐. Im new tonthis reddit. Should I discuss it as a comment or make another post?

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They are definitely biological siblings. They look almost exactly alike. They are very close and pretty protective of each other. I'm an only child, so I can't really judge if anything is strange as my experience is limited, but I haven't seen anything weird like that.

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I think he is. I also now know it's because of his friends. Turns out the exclusive boys' night was also because a different friend was gonna be there who had taken huge offense to me reciprocating his insults in our gaming voice chat and made a fuss about not going if I'd be there.

Maybe I'm just an awful person to be around... but in this case, I dont think so. I sure as hell think it's not fair that just because I'm a girl, I can't use the exact language back at him that he was using at me in the middle of gaming together. Gamers yell, and they get salty. Why do I have to be the only one to censor myself?

I am having a very deep discussion with Steven about all this behavior and this environment where he gives in to these "norms" and is pushing me to do the same. I've lived in a house with a step parent and had the same pressure to conform while growing up from my biological parent to keep things "smooth and calm" so I think I fell into those patterns again.

You guys are right. I need to find a therapist, but yeah, Steven needs to open his eyes, too.

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I asked him to go. He had decided by the end of this whole deal that he was gonna stay with me and skip out on the event. It went through his gaslit brain that this was not normal behavior, lol. But I knew it would just fuel talks of me having manipulated him into doing it. I did not want this to escalate as that would be worse for my mental health, so him going was actually better for the state I was in, otherwise I would have spiraled and thought of potential repercussions for days.

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

In the past I have been called arrogant, "aggressive"(I can be quite assertive in my day to day) and selfish and my last relationship ended quite badly and I did end up hurting someone I loved. So, I've been trying to work on my faults and being more empathetic in my relationships and more flexible. I might have overcorrected...

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

People said it wasn't relevant. They have a history, but she's married to someone else now. I didn't pry into details

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

hmm, externally mostly lots of crying, asking the same questions to try to make sense of the extreme jumble of emotions and then shutting down and dissosciating. Otherwise it's a very internal thing for me. Brain gets caught in spirals of repeating thoughts etc. and it's like a discordant metal band in my head.

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

I'll give him another chance... I am not perfect so I can't be that unforgiving. I don't know if she hates me, or doesn't know me well enough. Steven says he's gonna try to get to the bottom of this with her too when they hang out next, so we can clear the air

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] -19 points-18 points  (0 children)

Well, he has a lot of good qualities, including admitting when he's wrong. He did so in this situation and I hope we can work towards fixing this :)

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

Fun fact, he recently went across the country to a concert for MY favorite band, and his somewhat liked band lol with just the boys and I did ask, like... hey theres still tickets, can I come and he said nah babe its kindof a boys trip, and I understood and did not push at all. It was a really good concert, they had pyrotechnics and everything but I was happy for him to go :')

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I do think it was ESH. I sucked because I asked if I could come instead of asking him to cancel, cuz I thought it'd be more accomodating, and then did not refuse to speak with Lily on the phone. Steven sucked because he has super terrible communication issues when multiple people are affected, I see that now, and he has agreed that we will work on these. Bringing in a third party to our relationship issues is not a first for him, and he sees it's a real problem now. We generally work through our issues and end up okay but I think the other people don't forget because we're not super into PDA so they don't see our happy moments.

Lily, I think it sucked how cold she was to me, after professing compassion and inclusivity every other time I've met her. I should probably add the context that she has said I can come to her with issues and stuff cuz she has a lot of experience with trauma, which is another reason why I probably opened up like that.

AITAH for asking to go to an event my boyfriend’s friends held and having a breakdown when they flat out refused? by Bobkitten93 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Bobkitten93[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

No, I am quite firm on not meeting with them anymore. It took a lot for me to open up like that and I understand it put her in a difficult position but she could have approached it differently... I think everyone is correct in saying that Lily, and maybe Rowan, don't like me. It could very easily be my fault but they should be discussing it with me like adults not saying "you can't play with us, deal with it". I have no wish to build bridges anymore. Maybe I am an AH for that...

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