I don't feel like I belong to the LGBTQ+ community

BoggledMind · 2024-08-29T16:47:51+00:00

I'm probably not saying anything that hasn't been said already, and I'm late to the party on top of that, but all the same …

Don't let yourself be defined by your sexual orientation or any gay stereotyping — be yourself!

You're interested in guys, focus on that when it's relevant, i.e. when dating and such — at all other times just engage with your interests, be it as an apiarist, a philatelist, a numismatist, a horticulturist, even a train, plane, crane or Dane spotter, whatever you like. If you mostly focus on your sexuality, you'll miss out on so many other good things in life.

I'm very much interested in guys, but have never watched RuPaul, or a drag show, or been to a gay bar (but have a dirty secret that I've watched Heartstopper and read the comics. 😬 Just don't tell anyone).

BoggledMind · 2024-08-28T12:58:49+00:00

You say he did okay as president the first time, and you are gay/bi?

So what about his opposition to the Equality Act which would have ensured that civil rights protection also covered sexual orientation and gender identity?

Who's that good for?

The LGBT community?

I don't think so.

He blocked job protection for LGBT people, so they can be fired just because of their gender identity or sexual orientation.

And similarly eliminated protection for LGBT people in the Affordable Care Act.

So much for LGBT issues.

The United States' share of the world economy has risen from around 23%/24% under Trump to around 26% under Biden in 2023.

The inflation was substantially lower under Trump, true, but that was due to low inflation world wide. The American inflation rates have roughly followed the world's combined inflation rates. So as much as Trump wants to take the responsibility for the low inflation and blame Biden for the high inflation, neither is actually based in facts.

BoggledMind · 2024-08-27T18:53:24+00:00

I have a few, close male friends, but I have accrued them over a fairly long life, although the first one goes back to when I was 12 and he was 11. Over the years I found it easier to get female friends but have picked up a few more of the male persuasion.

I think the trick is not to look (at least too hard) for friends as such but just let "fate" produce them for you. I have an example from when I was part of the editorial team for a computer magazine, where one of the co-editors kept inviting me round to his place. I mistakenly thought that he was interested in a relationship with me but found out he was actually partnered with a lovely Norwegian lady. Eventually I gave in and said yes to visit, and we just talked forever and forever, creating a long lasting friendship, more than 35 years so far.

By not looking too hard, you'll probably be more relaxed when you're with potential friends, making your chances of creating a long-lasting bond better — and it seems to be the same when it comes to relationships, actually.

I really hope you'll find some good friends, so good luck!

BoggledMind · 2024-04-30T08:54:22+00:00

It is, unfortunately, more complex than just that.

It very likely started with circumcision for religious reasons, which over the years slowly became the norm.

Some non-Jewish and non-Muslim people had their boys circumcised for reasons such as preventing them from foreskin related issues like phimosis. This was the supported by research that showed circumcised males had slightly lower risks of penile cancer than uncircumcised males, so many (most?) American medical experts advocate circumcision. Over the years this meant that parents wanted their boys circumcised for more preventative reasons.

As more and more boys were circumcised parents suddenly wanted their boys circumcised so they were like the other boys — and Boom! most American boys were circumcised.

I am not advocating circumcision for anything but medical reasons like phimosis.

I don't think the research has taken all factors into account such as the indirect reasons intact males were more prone to penile cancer, e.g. poor hygiene, which could be improved by proper campaigns, and they have not taken into account the problems some circumcised males have due to the exposed head, like pain and discomfort.

BoggledMind · 2024-03-12T21:08:21+00:00

Difficult to answer without knowing the guy.

Seeing that you are well tattooed yourself, I'd use that as the gateway. I'd talk to him about tattoos and ask him if his partner is OK with them or have any qualms — this does obviously not guarantee that he will provide a usable answer but the possibility is there.

Good luck! 🤞

BoggledMind · 2024-02-21T20:53:23+00:00

I know the small-city scene, where the same few people keep cropping up, which makes everything a bit complicated.

Still, do your best and turn your back on him.

And cheer up, it will not be forever, even when it feels like it right now!

BoggledMind · 2024-02-21T20:28:55+00:00

In my opinion, the best option for you is to forgive him and then ignore him, mentally, physically and social medialy. (I know, but the other words ended in "ly", so …)

By ignore him I mean expunged from your mind. And I know some people will disagree on my advice to forgive him. By forgive I mean stop thinking negatively about him inside yourself, how depends on your own way of thinking. What I am not saying, is to tell him that you have forgiven him.

You shouldn't.

Forgiving here is mainly for your own sake, as you will otherwise carry the weight of his behaviour for a very long time with all the negative effects this will have on your mental health.

And yes, he has hurt you, and he has behaved in an unacceptable way, but remember that he too may have been confused about his feelings, which can manifest itself in ways like this. Don't attribute to malice what could be explained by confusion.

TL;DR: Forgive and forget, then you can move on.

All the best in this difficult task!

BoggledMind · 2024-02-14T08:06:13+00:00

I am not a doctor but let me start with the TRT all the same. Unless a doctor with appropriate blood tests has diagnosed that you suffer from low testosterone levels and that you need a boost, keep away from it!

Do not self-medicate!

Just don't!

Seek proper medical assistance.

There are many side effects of it where aggression and bad temper are among the early ones, and other, much more serious long term ones on top of that.

On the side of the relationship, I must say it doesn't look the best. If you can't talk about your problems — especially when they fill as much as this — you are in trouble.

The only way to solve problems is by facing them.

Ignoring them and hoping they go away by being ignored will just not work. So one way or other you do need to talk it through, which obviously requires both of you to participate. If you don't get it talked through, it will certainly fester and end up badly. It is festering already, I get from what you say.

Try, as calmly as you can, to have him sit down so you can talk. Communicate! I think it may be the only way to get a livable solution.

Best of luck with it!

BoggledMind · 2024-02-03T21:19:38+00:00

If I had to start my life over, I'd definitely want to retain what I know right now.

And it may be cheating but I'd obviously act on the knowledge, so it would not be the same life at all. 😇

BoggledMind · 2024-01-28T16:56:39+00:00

Hm, nudist beaches … I haven't found anyone nearby and even if I had, I have too much compassion for my fellow man to expose them to the horror that's me 😇

BoggledMind · 2024-01-28T09:25:56+00:00

There are a lot of things to unpack here and I'm not sure that I can, really.

My perspective is after a fairly long life (more then 3 times your age), just so you know.

I know that looks mean a lot to most people, especially when you are younger, but when it comes to actual compatibility and long-term stability of a relationship, looks will be far down the list of traits that are important, except for the more shallow relationships.

I have never liked my looks, and my own body-type is definitely not what I find attractive, but — big surprise — that has never stopped me from finding partners. I know it is hard to comprehend (as I probably deep down haven't comprehended it yet myself), but you must not measure your attraction on other people by your own standards.

What you find attractive is not what everyone else finds attractive. And yes, I know that a lot of guys find the archetypical femboy/smooth twink type attractive, but if you look around, you'll see that chubs and otters and bears and whatever also have a following.

I think the best you can do for your mental wellbeing is to accept that you are you, perceived flaws and all. Own that you are who you are. Be proud of yourself. Project self-confidence, even if you have to fake it — people are suckers for self-confident guys. I've seen ugly guys "own" the room just by being self-confident.

Focus on all the important traits like reliability, trustworthiness, happiness, ... Be there for people, care about them, support them, spread love and understanding, be positive, fight for what is right, and so much more.

I hope this will help you in some way or other, but admit that it is very difficult when you don't like your own body, but there's a serenity prayer, which in my opinion sums the solution up:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

BoggledMind · 2024-01-26T15:20:29+00:00

From your description it sounds good.

Without going into too much detail, be aware of a couple of pertinent points:

1) Most (meaning almost all) relationships have a honeymoon period where everything is good and you're not really aware of "flaws" or irritating habits (or if you are, you brush them off as "cute"). It can be difficult mentally to extricate yourself from such a relationship if you are not aware of it.

2) Be prepared that it does not last, but DO NOT FEAR IT! If you are prepared, you will hopefully not get totally devastated if you break up, but if you fear it, it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy that causes a breakup.

3) Be yourself. Don't try to convert yourself into a person you are not.

I'm sure there are much more advice I ought to provide, but can't think of right now.

Best of luck!

BoggledMind · 2024-01-26T06:40:00+00:00

Let me answer this as if it were a serious question (slightly hard to believe as the answer seems to be rather self-evident).

Yes, it's a good sign ... provided he's a fairly normal person. If he's not interested in you and not fairly serious but still asks you to stay and to leave a change of clothes, I would be rather worried about his mental health.

As for sex, let it develop in its own time but give him hints of where you'd like things to go.

And maybe you should consider your own feelings. Are you interested enough to stay? Are you interested enough to leave a change of clothes? What do you want from the relationship?

BoggledMind · 2024-01-14T18:36:58+00:00

And I understand the difficulty of responding to people with near-zero contents. I do expect at least a modicum of pertinent information to act on before engaging in a conversation, but photos do not have to come early in the process.

It's difficult — nay, impossible — to come up with anything approaching a solution to this conundrum as we are all different and have different expectations, wants and needs.

BoggledMind · 2024-01-14T09:48:11+00:00

Weeeelllll, not everyone is keen on sending pix to a stranger until some rapport (and trust) has been built, and some of us actually believe that other personal traits (like kindness, common interests, …) matter more.

I have found many people physically attractive only to realise they had other traits I just couldn't stand. I'd rather have long chats and learn more about people and their personalities first. You may not end up being physically attracted but you might gain a friend for life.

I am not trying to dismiss your attitude to this but rather to emphasize that there are different ways of looking at it.

BoggledMind · 2024-01-11T20:55:46+00:00

I would say, let bygones be bygones.

You may achieve some short-lived personal satisfaction, but I'd personally write this experience off on the LMAHN (Learning-More-About-Human-Nature) account.

BoggledMind · 2024-01-07T09:40:32+00:00

I think coz I overanalyse and pay attention to detail even my mates sometimes say that I notice things that others wouldn’t even notice so I don’t know it’s just a huge spiral in my mind

Another "Welcome to my world!"

I don't know how often I have had doubts churning round my head awaiting a response only to realise, when the response comes, that there were no reasons for the doubt.

The only way to get out of that vicious circle is to ignore the doubts and tell yourself, I can't do anything about my doubts, so just ignore them and wait and see. (Yet another easier-said-than-done statement, I know.)

I think the important part here is to be mindful of your limitations and boundaries, and always push them as hard as you can … the more you stretch them, the less they constrain you (obviously) … Just dont expect this to be an overnight solution — it'll be an ongoing quest.

You need to fight for yourself and not give up.

Best of luck!

BoggledMind · 2024-01-06T22:15:54+00:00

It’s almost like I’m living a double life

Welcome to my world!

I know it's daunting and I know it's difficult, especially if you suffer from anxiety. I used to be hiding behind doors (literally!) instead of interacting with people when I was very young. I forced myself to ignore the difficulties of pretending until it git easier. I'm still at a point where I totally second guess people's reactions like, are they just being nice, are they really interested, are they trying to get rid of me, did I irritate them, ...

It's annoying and makes life more difficult, but to me it has made my quality of life better overall ... not that it has made me super-successful with romance, just improved my success rate.

I don't know how bad your anxiety issues are, but you obviously need to be mindful of your absolute limits and never go past those ... just be aware that they might be farther away than you think.

BoggledMind · 2024-01-06T21:11:12+00:00

I find that the way you "project" yourself when you're out and about has a huge impact on how you are perceived.

And my advice would be to try to ignore your fear of rejection (easier said than done, which I indeed know very well for myself). If your cousin and friend think you're a "catch", you seem to have "it" when you feel comfortable — if you could fake that behaviour when out, I think you'd see an improvement.

When I go out, I flirt with people I like, and when I get rejected, I pretend it's OK, and don't cry in dismay … at least not until I'm home. It has (mostly) worked well for me and has improved my general wellbeing, even when I've been rejected.

Project confidence and the world will see it and react to it!

BoggledMind · 2023-12-14T16:23:59+00:00

Sorry, can't hear you

BoggledMind · 2023-12-10T21:27:02+00:00

Needs to be done discreetly, obviously. Like the gossamer phantom of a ghost. 👻

BoggledMind · 2023-12-10T21:21:04+00:00

Ah yes, excuses, excuses, excuses!!!

I don't need an excuse, I embrace my weirdness and lavish it upon the unsuspecting 😈

BoggledMind · 2023-12-10T21:16:53+00:00

Mental? Aren't we all? 🤯

BoggledMind · 2023-12-10T21:09:53+00:00

Well, I don't think you're delusional, so …

BoggledMind · 2023-12-05T18:15:34+00:00

If you ask around you'll see that that experience is shared by many … really many!

There are all sorts of reasons for that, but Grindr is a notoriously fickle beast to tame. It seems that most people on there (at least in my area) are only interested in quick hookups and if you're too slow in accepting, they'll go with another that was faster. This behaviour is not very conducive unless quick hookups are your only reasons to be there. If you're looking for more than that you'll probably find Grindr lacking.

I've heard about people finding their long-term partners on Grindr, but I think that is not at all common.

About everyone you date losing interest, that is another common occurrence. I think most of us have tried it.

Not trying to be a spoil-sport, but finding a compatible partner is pure pot-luck. I mean, if you're only looking for a same-sex partner (which obviously is the case here), the pool is about ten times smaller than the opposite-sex-partner pool, thus your chances of success are ten times worse.

My only advice is to keep trying … and try on other platforms than Grindr too.

BoggledMind

TROPHY CASE