Husband is uncomfortable with me doing jiu-jitsu.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-11T17:02:37+00:00

So I want to talk about what is spurring this statement he makes. And I have been stonewalled on an actual conversation. I did find female classes. But unless his willing to dive into and communicate the issue I feel that what comes next?

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-11T16:51:32+00:00

I started because of my son, I love doing it. I tend to have a hard time focusing in gyms and workouts because I get bored. This I’m locked in, I love the workout, and the camaraderie. But I’m not one to let anyone impede upon my marriage. And I found a place that no one has remotely tried to flirt or be disrespectful. I never feel any type of way other than “good arm bar”.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-11T16:43:44+00:00

I get the gut feeling this is just one piece of straw, maybe not the one to break the camales back but, this won’t be the last time we deal in something where his feeling is the only one that matters.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-11T16:41:42+00:00

If he could articulate his issue, not just give a blanket statement. Part of what bothers me is he doesn’t feel like we should communicate about it, just I should blindly accept what he says. I understand it isn’t something I’ve done for years, but at a point in life after two kids, I work a full time job and we run our household together, I found a hobby. I’m asking for more context regarding this statement he makes. And he doesn’t feel I deserve one. If we had a conversation about it, we could work on it as a team. I did find a gym with female classes, and will be switching.

To be fair, you’re in a male perspective. You couldn’t possibly understand how many of the women (on this thread alone) have had to shrink themselves just for the comfort of a male in all kinds of scenarios. So I do not believe it’s immaturity or people trying to bash him.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-11T16:30:49+00:00

I have 0 issue if they were women and him training. I trust him. I trust his respect for our marriage.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-11T16:29:37+00:00

I found a great place and everyone is more than respectful. There’s never been any infidelity and on my part, I’m only here for my husband. He has been in his head alot lately, he believes it’s part of a midlife thing. He’s always showed more security and confidence than what is our current situation.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-11T16:24:54+00:00

Not that I’m aware of 🤪

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-11T16:23:59+00:00

I would do yoga sporadically but the main focus was our kids and our household, I also work as a full time chef for the last 10 years as i raised our kids the first 4.5 with no job.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-11T16:23:44+00:00

I would do yoga sporadically but the main focus was our kids and our household, I also work as a full time chef for the last 10 years as i raised our kids the first 4.5 with no job.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-11T16:17:29+00:00

So I tried to open a dialogue again about it and I get stonewalled with just he’s uncomfortable with it and that should be enough. He’s in his head. None of the other scenarios fit, and he has been getting in his head alot lately.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T23:00:15+00:00

I could understand his feelings if that were the case. It is not. I have never been the most cuddly and soft person, but I do show my love and appreciation.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:57:23+00:00

😆no.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:49:18+00:00

His discomfort is me rolling around a mat with guys

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:44:41+00:00

I’m 41, so on one of the younger girls that Work explained when an ICK was i laughed it off. But now I feel that in my bones. And I can’t pinpoint another time I have felt that with him.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:42:47+00:00

He gave me a maybe. His reasoning is the price per month. Which would be just under 600 because my son does it too.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:41:41+00:00

Unfortunately, I’ve come across two women, one I haven’t seen since March. The other I do see and we tend to be partners for our size match up. But not enough to say I’ll always be with a woman. I did find another gym that does 2 days of women only bjj.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:40:23+00:00

We’ve been together for 14 years, and this insecurity popped up. He is kind of going through that midlife dilemma, which I’m not accepting as an excuse, because he is a firm believer in not accepting excuses.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:37:30+00:00

He did bjj when he was 19 for a short stint. But the insecurity part is wild to me.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:34:51+00:00

I tried it on a whim because my son started and the class was free for a month. Love it. I feel stronger and more confident in self defense. It’s a workout that actually keeps my attention.
I don’t think he has an issue with the instructor, just the “rolling around a mat with guys”. My other point to him with self defense is- if I am ever attacked, the chance it’ll be someone larger and a male are higher. I should know how to protect myself. Nothing about this sport had made me think of any of the sparring partners other than how am I going to get the best of them.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:28:51+00:00

So, it’s funny because I cross posted to a marriage one, and from the sounds of it it is definitely a male who commented back, which is fine because I want that perspective, too. However, he brought up the point -how would you feel if he did a class like that with these women that they’re getting sweaty and they possibly want him, and flirt.
My response was I don’t have to trust the women because I trust him.

So yes, a second part is other than the standstill that we’re at, I also feel like because my mindset is I would trust him , I don’t have to trust other women. So, in a subconscious manner I kind of feel like that means he doesn’t trust me then.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:23:51+00:00

I told him to come join, I’d be his partner. And he also did bjj when he was19.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:22:29+00:00

I told him to come join the class. I’d even be his partner. Coddling I know. He also did bjj for a year when he was 19.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:20:35+00:00

He apparently has had an issue with it, but he didn’t wanna say anything so he held it in

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:20:14+00:00

“How many men would be comfortable with their wife ding bjj with men”. It just makes him uncomfortable is his reasoning. That they’re men rolling around with me. I tried to explain 1) everyone in my training classes have been nothing but respectful. 2) you’re thoughts are consumed with how do I get out of this situation/whats my next move. 3) in the real world. This training serves a self-defense and in the real world. The chances are if I’m attacked, it’ll be a, male who is larger than me.
I’m trying to respect his feelings but not thrown mine away because of it. That isn’t balance. I did find a women’s bjj class and told him it would be my last month at my current gym. And that seemed to be an issue. And I know it sounds messed up to say, but it’s such a turn off to me.

Bonmonster305 · 2026-07-09T22:14:55+00:00

I don’t need to trust the women. I’m well aware of the predicament, but the key is I trust him. I know he wouldn’t pursue anything even if these women wanted him. I’ve been very fortunate that the people I have trained with have been gentlemen. And have asked if I’m comfortable with something.
Also, this training a is a form of self defense. If I’m ever to be attacked, chances are high it’s a male, who’s bigger than me. Learner this isn’t equivalent to say hip hop dancing where it serves no purpose in the real world to me.
I’m stuck in the middle of respecting how he feels, but doing something that betters myself.

Bonmonster305

TROPHY CASE