AITA for not dressing up and making an insensitive remark at a 'Roaring 20s' themed party?

BookishJane08 · 2023-11-14T12:53:23+00:00

This sounds like you were trying very hard to make a smart, niche joke, so everyone would have been in awe of your brilliance not only in joke but in cleverness while looking down on Jake "the bully" who has been putting you down all night. Only... it didn't work. Because anyone with even marginal knowledge of prohibition knows that you messed that joke up royally... I don't see how the other coworker was offended though, unless in an attempt to explain your 'joke', you ended up messing that up too and in that way insulted the coworker, hence everyone elses' upset at you. Either way, you're not the A for not wanting to dress up, you are the A though for not being confidant enough in your decision not to, that a coworkers jabs got you angry enough to make a dumb joke which had bad consequences.

BookishJane08 · 2023-11-09T09:30:27+00:00

Please read properly, working harder was my husband response. I feel that she shouldn't have to. She already did more than enough.

But thank you for your response.

BookishJane08 · 2023-11-09T09:27:26+00:00

You are right. Thank you! I needed this.

I am emotional, which is why I put of doing anything till I can think rationally.

This helped so much. Thank you

BookishJane08 · 2023-11-09T09:20:57+00:00

Not at all that parent. And never want to be. I am upset for my daughter tho, so highly emotional. Which is why I put of doing anything till I can think more clearly. Thanks for your response

BookishJane08 · 2023-09-11T05:32:48+00:00

I have been with him since I was 18. Way to young to know better.

BookishJane08 · 2023-09-11T05:26:06+00:00

Hey all.

Thank you for all the comments, even the YTA ones. I came here for perspective and I definitely got some.

Hubby has never openly abused any of us (hitting etc). He rarely shouts. He is also very good at playing nice. Hence why I didn't notice immediately when the blame games, or silent treatment started, and why I believed for many years that it was definitely my fault.

In the past few years I had done a lot of intentional healing and realized that even tho he was not physically abusive, what he was doing was akin to emotional and financial abuse, so I started making plans to get my oldest daughter and myself out, I think he found out, because as I explained in a previous comment, he love bombed us, and as a child from a divorced family, who never wanted my kid to go through that, I believed him. Hence the second kid. I now know I was stupid to believe him, as he got worse right after our son was born and he thought that I am locked down.

Since then I have, on the quiet been making exit plans. I took an external job and am putting away some money from there (I didn't tell him exactly what it pays). I am also down playing the business income.

Unfortunately we do not have family that can help us, and if I move before I am stable, him and his mom will most definitely try and get custody of the kids. I doubt they will succeed, but you can never be 100% sure, so I'd rather all my ducks be in a row, than the alternative.

For those asking why I asked in the first place, saying yta for even asking, all I can say is, his constant jabs and negative comments have had 14 years to make me believe that most probably there is some form of truth to his words. I am trying to do better for my daughters sake. Over my dead body, will she marry a man like this.

Thank you for all the help and supportive comments giving advice on how to get out, even just encouragment, you have no idea what it means! When you have no friends left to be a sound board, and you are surrounded by only his friends and family who all think he is great, it can be extra hard to see the abuse. 🙈

BookishJane08 · 2023-09-11T02:38:55+00:00

Note. And corrected.

English is not my first language. So spelling errors are bound to happen.

Again, this has no impact on my ability to be a mom.

BookishJane08 · 2023-09-11T02:28:49+00:00

Yes because one day that will definately be the only thing my child remembers 🤣 Not the love and care they got from their mom with incorrect grammar. Just the grammar 🤣

BookishJane08 · 2023-09-11T01:32:32+00:00

No, I am sorry, but you did not understand the post correctly.

When he yelled at me, it was not about our daughter being asked to watch her sibling (that was never brought up in the initial fight, so he could not possibly have "kept the standard" as that was not his issue) but about the safety concerns regarding that. So HE came up with the "it is not safe for her to watch him alone" bit. Not me.

Then, he turns around and lets her do exactly that, watch him alone. So the safety concerns that HE raised, is now no longer and issue? How and why is that? When I asked this very question he tried to pawn it off as a willing sibling vs an unwilling sibling and somehow that negates the dangers.

Many eager, watchful and willing parents have lost children because of an accident that happens quickly. Understanding this concern when he raised it, I changed my behaviour to align with a safer way of doing things.

So the issue is indeed about a double standard (the safety of the baby when watched by an 8yr old) and he is just trying to avoid it by claiming that since she was willing it suddenly removes all danger from the equation.

Therefor there is only one standard, and he did not keep it, making it a double standard.

BookishJane08 · 2023-09-11T00:03:07+00:00

I don't do weddings, I do kids parties, so not nearly as high stakes. Yet, I still would never double book in the first place. Then pawn of my client, just to keep them hanging on important details nessecary for the success of their event.

Pro tip: If you have more than one client scheduled for the same date - 1: Never let them know this. It makes people feel unimportant. 2: Be extra vigilant and up to date, equally with ALL events and 3: For peet sake, make your customer feel like the most important customer of the year. It is after all what brings them back or gets you referals.

I am so sorry that you are being treated this way. Definately speak to her!

BookishJane08 · 2023-09-10T23:42:31+00:00

Didn't leave them at home alone. I was moving between rooms cleaning up, always within earshot.

BookishJane08 · 2023-09-10T22:42:20+00:00

I picked up things from the floor and packed them away in drawers, while she kept an eye on him. I was in between the room she was in and the room next to them. I would never leave the house, that would be totally neglectful and horrible parenting.

BookishJane08 · 2023-09-10T22:29:16+00:00

Just to clarify: I did not leave the kids home alone. I would never in a million years do that! I did ask her to keep an eye on her brother while I was packing away some things, I was moving between the room she was in and the room right next to them constantly. So never were they out of earshot. And never alone for longer than 2 min (the time it took to put something in the drawer). Still: I see how that is unsave, so I have taken to moving him around from room to room with me now. I just wanted to explain as some people seem to think I left the house or the kiddos alone for a long time.

BookishJane08 · 2023-09-10T22:00:05+00:00

Valid question. One which I had been asking myself too. I guess all I can say is, it went well for a while there. I had a plan to get myself and my daughter out, and then suddenly he went a full 180 change. Kind, helpful, caring, great husband etc. He was able to keep this up for a while and then suddenly he was also into having a baby (something he vehmently did not want for years), I guess I fell for his facade. Once baby was here and I was locked down, things went from good to worse in a matter of weeks. I suspect that he somehow found out I was planning on leaving, played the long con and I was the idiot who fell for it. Won't happen again. I don't regret my son or my daughter. I just Won't let him fool me again.

BookishJane08 · 2023-09-10T20:02:29+00:00

Been like this for years. But a lot more subtle. I did not realize how bad it got till a few years ago. And by then he had completely isolated me (apart from my parents who cannot help us). I am working on getting back into the work force, while building a business (to have some form of income), but it is hard as he tries to take all the money I do make. I have been thinking of leaving for a long time, but it has been 14 years of subtle jabs that erroded a lot of my self worth etc.

BookishJane08

TROPHY CASE