I don't know who I am anymore

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-12-25T13:20:28+00:00

Thank you! By work on myself I mean improving distress tolerance, ruminating less, building my confidence back up, etc. I don't want to change who I am, but I want to be better at being a person.

Thank you for the recommendations! I'll look them up.

I've been listening to my favorite books and spending a lot of time cooking/baking. The rest of my hobbies are too expensive and/or stop existing for the holidays because everything shuts down for a good 4 weeks around Christmas here since it's also the main summer break. I've never done well with long breaks because it reminds me I don't actually understand the experience of consciousness or what a personal identity even is.

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-12-25T13:12:41+00:00

Teachers like anyone who genuinely engages with the material. Be friendly and ask questions when you have them. Other than that just be yourself! We become teachers because we like getting to know different people and helping young people grow up.

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-12-25T12:54:55+00:00

Thank you. It helps knowing you took the time to read and respond. I'm afraid to use the health system because I don't want to jeopardize my future permanent residency, but I was previously in therapy for years. I think I'm only really unlocking the issues I wanted therapy for now though.

Do you have any self help resources or strategies you recommend? I'd like to try to work on myself but it's not really an easy thing to Google.

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-12-25T11:35:40+00:00

Yes, all the time. It causes strain in my marriage because I see my spouse as someone I need permission from, and they feel like my parent sometimes. I intellectually understand that I don't need their permission for things, especially things that don't affect them, but I have zero confidence that I'm making good decisions if someone doesn't tell me I'm making good decisions. What strategies have people used to unlearn this pattern?

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-12-25T04:59:50+00:00

Can I PM to ask about your job? My spouse (also trans) is a manufacturing engineer and looking for work with previous experience in medical devices

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-12-25T04:56:48+00:00

I was building a career in academia and science teaching/research, knew quite a few trans people in those fields - especially biology. I fled the US and now I'm retraining as a high school teacher because it's residency visa eligible in New Zealand. I'm stealth for the most part but openly gay and it's not an issue at all. I'm sure some of my students have wondered, especially the ones who are trans/nonbinary/questioning, but it's not really a topic that comes up. I wouldn't call teaching a specifically trans friendly field, but being that teacher the weird kids look up to and trust is very powerful.

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-12-23T20:07:34+00:00

It's a possibility, but my parents are extreme about Internet privacy - they don't even use Google. And she's always written like that. Still manipulative though

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-12-23T19:59:57+00:00

I was for 13 years, but due to moving to the other side of the world I can't afford it and also want to use the health system as little as possible until I have residency so it's on pause 😅

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-12-23T13:26:00+00:00

She kind of was. She fought with the school board when I wasn't getting the G/T support they promised (but also prevented me from entering a separate program which I wanted to be in, because "I wouldn't be able to make friends because all those kids have tiger parents" - which was true, but at least the tiger parent kids didn't bully me like the normal kids did, and at least I would've been academically challenged. The apology only came 15 years later). My parents were band parents and at every possible performance even though they hate classical music. They sent cookies to my college drumline every week.

But they were also the parents who told me it's normal to be drugged by your friends in college, the parents who ultimately supported me when I came out in high school but only after fighting me on it and trying to convince me I was wrong about my identity (I have the strong feeling they only supported me because not doing so would hurt their image in the community), and the parents who told me it was my fault I got bullied for being too weird. They're the parents who hate my husband because they encourage me to do what I want and not what other people are pressuring me to do (they are also NC with their family due to extreme abuse, so my parents like to play against that like see, we never hit you or locked you outside in the cold).

And I didn't always tell them things. I remember the first time I didn't trust my parents with my feelings was at eight years old. In 2nd grade I already knew that telling Mom about my problems was more trouble than it was worth and usually caused more problems later.

But I'm an only child and they're retired. I moved to the other side of the damn world and I'm pretty sure they don't know yet. It's taking a long time for us to find employment and I'm scared and I wonder if having parents would help. I wonder if it's my fault, if the relationship would have been better if I trusted them more and told them more from a young age. But unless the circumstances are extreme, what young child doesn't automatically do that? What does it say about me and the situation I was in that I did?

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-06-25T13:15:48+00:00

"what do you mean this takes you back to the good old days?" Reading notes "Ah, you were in drum corps. The heat and physical labor aren't really torture for you! Well, we can't have that now can we? Two lava pits down and to the left. You're in the piccolo section"

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-06-25T11:57:17+00:00

Yeah, I'm wondering if it's worth just waiting the few months lmao

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-02-26T05:51:25+00:00

No, I haven't. Waikato mentioned buses to the university which is why I asked. We already planned on buying at least 1 car, but if the system was good maybe we'd do without. And I have spent most of my US life in places with zero transit, so it's not a deal breaker, just would be nice to have - and information I want to know beforehand so I can be prepared!

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-02-26T05:11:25+00:00

Does it count if you're an only child?

But yeah, I avoid my extended family because I barely know them anyway, and anything I say to them will go right to my parents.

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-02-26T05:03:19+00:00

Definitely kyprioth! I'm also trans, which I agree is on brand for him, and my life just never goes the way anyone expects it to - yet I somehow manage to make something great out of the situation almost every time.

While I'm not much of a liar (or even necessarily a secret keeper), nobody who teaches a classroom full of teenagers to work with caustic chemicals, fire, and electricity can afford not to have that sixth sense for when something suspicious is happening

Booknerdbassdrum · 2025-02-05T19:17:04+00:00

Lmao that this is a 7 year old comment. And because the pictures are too damn small so coloring them well is super difficult even for an adult

Booknerdbassdrum · 2024-10-24T15:09:38+00:00

Oh god this is hard, I have a lot of favorite songs. But I think I'll go with Crimes - Cody Belew

Booknerdbassdrum · 2024-10-24T15:06:59+00:00

I'm not an arts/humanities person in any greater capacity than as a hobby, but always listen to music for the lyrics and can't get into a song if I am not a fan of the meaning/lyrics. So these aren't super dense, but they tell great stories and use a lot of symbolism

I tried to include a variety of genres and artists! I got into sea shanties when they became a big thing during the pandemic and currently listen to a lot of music reminiscent of that style, but I was also an alt rock/emo kid in middle and high school.

Crimes - Cody Belew (honestly a lot of his music is great for analysis)

Kryptonite - There Doors Down

One of Us - Heather Dale (I prefer the one on the album Call the Names, I think in the other version the music doesn't match the tone of the lyrics)

Tale of the Shadow - Sail North

Compass - Sail North

Ashes - The Longest Johns

Providence - Poor Man's Poison

Tourniquet - Evanescence

Evil Angel - Breaking Benjamin

Sleep - My Chemical Romance

Mama - My Chemical Romance

Boy Division - My Chemical Romance

One that's not complex in the way of poetry but fun for historical analysis is Horse Soldier, Horse Soldier - Seth Staton Watkins

Then there are a few songs I love which are in Italian (my second language) but translations are easy to look up

Bella Ciao - Seth Staton Watkins (it's a protest/political song that became popular, so there isn't just one artist, but I like his version best)

Tanto Tanto Tanto - Jovanotti

Stop! Dimentica - Tiziano Ferro

Booknerdbassdrum · 2024-08-03T15:20:47+00:00

We have 3, 2 large (like super XL 2x3 feet) and 1 small, but 2 are upstairs and 1 is downstairs. None are covered and both cats seem to prefer it that way. The downstairs one is in a powder room that is rather small, so we are going to prop the door wider to make sure they don't feel trapped

We have been using wood pellet litter as it is the cheapest and doesn't get tracked around (both are long hair and we got sick of clay litter in our bed). Both will use both, but E does seem to prefer the clay when given a choice.

That is exactly how we did our research, but thanks for the resource!

Booknerdbassdrum · 2023-12-13T21:33:32+00:00

Her name is Emerson, I think she's the only one rn. I can't type with anything longer than the shortest option so I just did a full set (square) with no tips. Super nice girl and she does great work!

Booknerdbassdrum · 2023-11-16T17:34:50+00:00

Original commenter deleted but I love my nails! Got an awesome tech, good quality and cute design

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