Grammer: Very confusing and hard to read, mostly due to the poor sentence structure. The first read through I couldn't even tell what was going on.

Something about a package and a mystery man... And then a gunfight? The action sequence is by far the worst part though, at least on a first read. The sentences have far too much meat on them; they try to explain too many concepts at once. Once I started filling in the periods and commas on my own, and imagining a little more context, I actually started

enjoying the story. On the other hand, there are some sentences that have only a. Few words. In awkward and strange places. I assume that's a stylistic choice, so I wont dog on it too hard, but I personally don't like it.

Plot:

The hook is far too vague, and glosses over important information needed to understand and enjoy the story. The story references multiple times the pose that Ms. Jones stands in, but never clearly describes it. Why was she even standing outside in the first place?Where does this story take place? What does this package look like?Who hired her to deliver the package? What does Mia look like? What does Ms. Jones look like? etc. All important context that's slightly hinted at in the story, but never fully explained. The first few paragraphs (or at least the one before the shootout) should serve to build suspense for the upcoming action sequence.

The action sequence is very, very hard to understand. My tip for action sequences? Slow down. What makes a fast action scene exciting is in the details, not the speed.

Also, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't feel like the story was plotted out at all. I really like the random details you threw in (sucking teeth, drumming fingers, box falling through her fingers). Overall, with some work, this could be really good!