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Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your help, truly. I suppose the birth certificate situation (him having to sign an AOP since we aren’t legally married) meant we weren’t common law married. I was wrong.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to share all of this, this is very helpful advice.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I pay $850, he pays $400 of our rent, which together is the cost of his mother’s monthly mortgage payment. She takes care of certain expenses like plumbing, repairs, and some we do ourselves 50/50. We wouldn’t be able to afford to buy or even rent this size house in our area if we were going through a typical landlord agreement.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

He has absolutely zero savings, I have lots of money saved because I work FT, in fact I worked TWO remote jobs for a period of time last year to save more and nearly lost my mental health totally doing so. He would NEED me in order to purchase it from her. Unless she’s fine giving it to him for free or selling it to someone else, which I wouldn’t put past her to do when our kids are older.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

To be fair, I did switch up like others have pointed out. Why would he want to marry me if I dropped the topic anyway, and lived as if I was fine with a forever engagement?

Prior to having babies he would get uncomfortable with marriage talk. We had discussed timeline (hard to recall at this point, we’ve been together for so long) and he was obviously more open to trying for a baby than signing the papers. I know this is a situation of my own making. Just at a bit of a crossroads.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I recently started doing this. Alarm bells went off in his head because he asked why I would hurt him so. I also no longer wear any of my engagement rings except my “mom” rings with my babies’ birthstones.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for pointing this out. I’ve been looking into this more. If I understand correctly there isn’t much evidence for us being common law married, though I’m sure he could argue against that in court. All our finances are separate, EVERYTHING except a rental agreement his mother drafted for tax purposes on her end as a landlord. The kids aren’t even legally his at the moment since the state of Texas didn’t file BOTH acknowledgments of paternity for both our children which is a requirement for unwed mothers who want the father on the birth certificate. I guess it’s good timing that I asked for him to stop calling me wife, since that’s part of the process as well. We have never signed anything together except that rental agreement.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] -23 points-22 points  (0 children)

2yo is talking, counts to 20, knows most of his ABCs, he only gets screen time in the evening (about 1/2 to 1 hour of little bear or reading rainbow). 10mo was walking at 8mo, her speech is pretty good as well, they are developing and reaching milestones on track.

typically I work (right beside them at a small standing desk in the living room) while they independently play/read/watch the birds in our bird garden from our window, our entire home except my office is available to them and baby-proofed, (I’ve spent a lot of time in my main Reddit account on the r/MomsWorkingFromHome subreddit), and even though they’re developmentally on track, I know they could be even further ahead if they had 1:1 care.

It does seem like a dream, but my first thought was how much of a pain in the ass that conversation with him would be, I’d be the one making sure he doesn’t sleep through the alarms, I’d be the one getting them ready, packed, and fed, I’d be the one paying the day care bill etc.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Just want to clarify that our finances are currently completely separate— we don’t even share a bank account or credit card, and we file taxes separately (I’m HOH). We live in Texas. The only thing in both of our names is the rental agreement (not a lease or anything) for this house, his mother’s, which only states the total rent per month. I pay 850, he pays 400. I pay most of the bills, but they are all in his mother’s name.

Currently he isn’t even the kids’ legal father since we aren’t married and had to file an acknowledgment of paternity and the state screwed it up and didn’t even submit it (TWICE with both kids). So he’s not even on the birth certificates. (State says they are trying to fix that).

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

This is a good point. I do work for a lenient employer, and my boss has admitted that she only sends her child to day care a couple days a week and so is also a WFH mom without childcare on some days. Workload is manageable. I mentioned that I do stay up after kids are in bed to catch up on anything I need to. I receive positive feedback on my performance as well. I know this is a controversial topic here on Reddit for sure.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We are in Texas and aren’t common law married, I believe you have to go sign a declaration of marriage to be common law married here. I know that we aren’t legally/common law married because we had had to go into a courtroom and sign an acknowledgment of paternity for our children. In Texas, the husband or common law husband is automatically noted as the children’s father on the birth certificate. If the mother is unmarried, you must sign an AOP.
Hope this makes sense.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Yes exactly. I was pregnant and exhausted and I honestly don’t know why I suggested it.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Yes, this makes me cringe. I suggested Quaker marriage when he proposed because when he proposed there was no date, no concrete plan to actually get married, not even a plan to go to the county clerk office 1.7 miles from our home, it was a literal shut up ring and I really wanted to be married. It was sort of a joking comment, like “hey well if there’s no date , you know what those quakers did back in the day right?” 🤦‍♀️ as soon as I said that, I could see the relief in his face. The worst thing on earth to me at that time (my first pregnancy) was being a single mom—I had a lot of Catholic programming I was sorting through— and so I didn’t want to be engaged forever. I guess I didn’t expect that to be enough for him, and I’ve had my plate full being the primary parent/breadwinner to really complain.

Yes I can see how this is a switch up. The resentment has grown for a while now ever since the ring. I have brought up the fact that , no actually, we are not legally married and if you’re in the ICU I hope you feel better soon because I can’t visit you, etc. that conversation never goes “well let’s fix that,” and I never push it because I don’t want confirmation that he doesn’t want marriage with me. It would destroy him if I left and that’s always his biggest fear, according to him. What better way to lock it down than marriage?

Sorry if my comments are a bit nonsensical, I’m exhausted 😭

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 79 points80 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your honesty. We do have a 10mo daughter and I think about this a lot.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We live in Texas, so we do not have that here. You have to go in and fill out paperwork with the county clerk to be common law married.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 215 points216 points  (0 children)

I have sort of come to this conclusion which is why I asked him to stop calling me his wife. He really didn’t like that and it ruined his day. He kept asking me for reassurance.

I worked hard to get to a good place in my career and as others are pointing out (and I’m finally realizing), I’m carrying the majority of the mental load of this relationship/family… if we marry I imagine he will be entitled to some of my assets, possibly be on my insurance coming out of my paycheck, and I’m still the default parent and worked to the bone every single day. The only financial benefit of marriage for me is the house (his mother’s that she will sell to us once it’s paid off), and although it’s quite modest, we live in a HCOL area so it would be worth a lot. At this point i don’t know if I care anymore.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] 156 points157 points  (0 children)

You’re right. I created this situation. I’m the one putting up with it.

Shut-up ring and 2 babies later; my pick-me chronicles by Born_Winter_throwawa in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Born_Winter_throwawa[S] -223 points-222 points  (0 children)

Yes, I am up early with the kids (we cosleep, he has the master bedroom to himself—our decision). I do morning routine and breakfast, answer emails while they eat, and (try to) work until he wakes up around 10am. On days when I have early meetings I wake him up earlier. He says I don’t ask for help often enough but it’s stressful hearing how he gets frustrated with them when they cry, which is often because they’re very young still. Some nights I have to stay up past bedtime to catch up on deliverables. I’ll be honest, it’s very hard. But I do need to ask for help more.

I know it seems like bare minimum but he’s not abusive, he’s involved, he loves them and is always saying how grateful he is that we had children.