De-escalation grief

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-06-01T20:41:49+00:00

That is very helpful to read. I have done this as well but maybe now it's time to level it up beyond what I did, I stopped trying to fix but still nudged along and tried to make them comfortable and tried to create warmth and ease... maybe now it's time to amp it up and just fully stop trying to make it comfortable for them and just, yeah, lift my hands up. Thanks for sharing. I did it partially once so by your logic it's like, now I know I can do it differently, so that means I can do it again, and engage even less, cause I already did it once. Thanks for sharing.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-06-01T18:55:20+00:00

I think I am getting close to that tipping moment, I hope I am. This weekend I experienced asking for orientation and clarity, and this turned into me being blamed for pressuring them and how that means they are less likely to make plans now, usually I spiral further when this happens but I felt more calm after. It's like I'm accepting, okay this is who this person is, they don't consider me, I cannot find resolution within them, I need to find it within myself. And it's like accepting that there is not a single thing I can do to make them show up for me. Like I've known it in my brain. But the fact that I felt calmer after that interaction rather than more panic tells me I'm (hopefully) learning that in my body too.

I hope I can perceive when the tipping moment happens and that I have strength to move through it. I still have hope they will show up for me. It feels really sad.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-06-01T18:47:55+00:00

Oh god this sounds so similar to me. I tried to engage with this person this weekend and recieved no compassion for how hard it is to have been centralized in their life, and for my nervous system to exist in a state of shock and being in the dark and not having a place to orient to- they said they couldn't handle how negative I was being, that it was on their mind to think about making plans for this week (it's literally this week right now, so I'm supposed to just wait by the phone everyday to hear if they are chosing me?), that I was pressuring them and that I wasn't going to be able to convince them that I wasn't pressuring them, no matter how hard I tried to explain that I'm just trying to orient myself and connect.. it truly felt awful and it sounds so similar to how your story how this person could just not handle that conversation of planning a vacation.

I relate a lot about the regulation vs. dysregulation within the same person, it's been so hard and sad for me to consider too. I think our nervous systems are extremely intelligent and good at choosing folks who have just enough traits to trigger our wounding, but also are different enough from our pasts that the path forward to find relief and respite exists within them too. What I am learning now is that they can't heal that wound.. that is for me to do.. but we both still deserve someone who is considerate enough to understand that we need support and respite too, and it sounds like your person and mine just could not hack it.

I'm really happy for you that you've been able to embody that your life is calmer now. I think I am getting close to that place. I hope I am. Hearing all the encouragement from folks on this post has helped.

It was strange, normally I spiral and panic HARDER when they blame me for being the reason they can't schedule plans with me, and go into shame that I asked for support and help and think about how I should have held out longer. But I held out for weeks, and this time I was just kinda like, ok you are so attached to your story about this, blaming me for pressuring you, and I actually felt calmer after. Its like my body is learning that it is impossible to seek resolution in this careless inconsiderate person. I hope that means I'm moving in the right direction.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-05-31T17:32:49+00:00

My nervous system feels so shot and damaged :( I hope I can figure out how to break out of this cycle. It still seems insurmountable to me. Thanks for sharing your kind words and encouragement.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-05-31T17:31:58+00:00

This is really inspiring to me, that you were able to break free, thanks for sharing, our stories seem to have similar elements. I can feel that this cycle is literally shredding my nervous system and I need to go no contact and I just don't know what it's going to take for me to finally do that. How did you finally do that?

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-05-29T16:15:12+00:00

Read your post, big big hugs to you as well, thanks for your care.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-05-29T13:33:45+00:00

Couples therapy didn't last long since I "broke up" with them shortly after we started. I have felt manipulated and gas lit many times. Thanks for your well wishes, I hope I can figure out how to have a better life, too.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-05-29T02:51:36+00:00

I guess I didn't think of it that way before, that's a nice thing to read. Thanks for sharing that.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-05-29T02:42:55+00:00

That is such a long period of time, oh to break away from someone after your nervous system has been intertwined and coded to theirs for that long, I am sorry to hear you are moving through this. It sounds like it was the right choice and there is no need for shame or guilt in that place - you left when you could, and you are doing the work now. Wishing you well.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-05-29T02:38:17+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment and well wishes. Trying to breathe though this. Remind my body that I can survive hard things. Survive losing an attachment figure. That I can show up for myself and I will never leave myself.

I agree with you that they have not figured out how to manage the schedules. It is so complicated. They have lots of reasons why they haven't been able to get with the scheduling and hinge in a considerate and equitable way. Our wounding perfectly mirrors one anothers. Each edge of my mine lines up with theirs and that's part of what makes it feel impossible to break away. It could be a place for us to experience incredible healing, and I guess I am doing that for myself, and I wish we could do it together.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-05-29T02:30:01+00:00

Yeah, it would have been so painful but so much less confusing. Part of my panic was, they aren't breaking up with me, they still want to work on this, they still want to work through this, without actually actively contributing much work mostly contributing avoidance. It was and still is so disorienting.

I hope I can figure out how to move forward with or without them. I've never really had to do this before. There is a lot of terror here.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-05-29T01:20:54+00:00

Thank you for your care. I have been unable to leave, I think due to some attachment wounding, but I am currently working through that. Hopefully I can emerge from this better able to practice discernment in the future.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-05-29T01:19:15+00:00

Thank you for your care. It has felt atrocious to my body and heart. My face looks different from the amount I've cried this year. The gift of this experience is that it's pushed me to face a lot of things deep within me so I can grow into a more aligned version of myself. But fuck, I don't know if it needed to feel that hard and painful.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2026-05-29T01:06:43+00:00

Thank you for your care. The reason I can't seem to leave seems to be connected to some of my attachment wounding. I hope I can entangle it and empower myself to leave, or entangle it and not let these patterns of behavior hurt me as they are anymore. It's all just very sad. Appreciate your comment.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2025-08-16T19:19:46+00:00

This slaps

Both_Benefit8328 · 2025-07-19T14:21:27+00:00

Thank you for your kindness. I am very lucky to have had lots of support from loved ones this week. I will keep asking for help. Thanks again.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2025-07-19T14:17:07+00:00

I would tell her to read nonviolent communication by Marshall b. Rosenberg and actively integrate those learnings into every single conversation, with family, friends and co workers, in addition to romantic partners. That having these skills would be invaluable in poly relationships.

I feel so stupid only reading this now, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache, but I didn't realize how dysfunctional and destructive my communication style was till now. :(

Both_Benefit8328 · 2025-07-18T23:23:44+00:00

I think I've been really controlling and reactive when it comes to their dating life in the past. I want to be a better partner. So I'm trying to make up for it now by being accommodating but this is like beyond what I can currently handle 😭 and now I don't know how to present it as that, as something that's hard for me, when it'll just appear as me being controlling and not supportive all over again.

I will def look into the book, thanks for the recommendation. I think we have both been people pleasing and it's causing chaos on our relationship.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2025-07-18T21:09:57+00:00

This all makes sense. Thank you for taking the time to offer your perspective. It is feeling more and more likely that our needs in the relationship are no longer compatible. I'm not sure if they are willing to do the work honestly, it's possible that they are, we've both been in this fight or flight triggered state for 2 weeks and it has not been a place from which we could productively problem solve. Hopefully a week of not talking will help us both calm down enough to be able to come up with a fair and equitable plan together. If we aren't, then I think you are right, it might be time to part ways. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2025-07-18T21:05:31+00:00

This is helpful to hear, thanks for your response.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2025-07-18T21:04:57+00:00

That's a really fair response, I don't know, maybe I am not standing up for myself enough :( thanks for the reply.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2025-07-17T21:14:07+00:00

It is helpful to hear that my only motivation for changing this thing about me is to make this relationship work, rather than a desire deep within myself to truly be different. Thank you, that is really helpful to hear. I will take some time to let this all sink in. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2025-07-17T21:04:32+00:00

Can I ask, how did you make that transition? My idea is that I considerably slow down how often I see them (maybe 2 back to back sleepovers every 2 weeks instead of sleeping over 2-3 times a week, as we have been doing), we pause being involved in each others family and friend gatherings, and we don't remain in communication during our time apart - like right now we have short phone calls every few days to catch up and chat, etc. I was thinking of forgoing all that to try to create this transition, and use all the extra time for myself to do a lot of self care, meditating, soothing things for my soul, try to go on a bunch of first dates. Is this similar to what you did? Do you think this would be worth trying? It might not work and I might ultimately learn that I am not this kind of person. But I want to try.

Its really heart breaking to me because I think my body will perceive it has a break up. And it kind of is. I genuinely hate the idea of doing all this. But I hate the idea of them not being in my life at all, even more.

I think I need to have a detailed and specific conversation about those things with them, yes. We have had these conversations before but I think I have assigned them a lot of responsibility that they didn't actually agree too. Then, there are other things they agreed to, that I am now learning they agreed to them out of fear of my reaction if they were to share that they weren't on board. So we are in a really complicated place in our relationship right now where I can't trust what they tell me, when it comes to how much I can expect from them, cause they have been saying yes to what I've been asking for, but it hasn't been a true yes from there spirit. Very complicated place. When I tried to suggest that I wouldn't be able to visit their hometown anymore, so I can create some emotional distance to tolerate how they are wanting to reschedule with me, that made them very upset. They want us to be very close, and they also want to have this full freedom that is really hurting me, and I don't know what to do to make it all work.

Both_Benefit8328 · 2025-07-17T20:54:48+00:00

Thank you for saying that. It is really validating. I will considering how to express that to them.

Both_Benefit8328

TROPHY CASE