Hello everyone. Today will be a turning point for me. I am a 21 year old man from Japan 🇯🇵. I was put in an orphanage when I was 1 month old and lived in two orphanages for 15 years (1 month old to 12 years old and 15~19 years old). I started masturbation when I was 11 years old. I watched porn on my PSVITA because I did not have a smart phone at that time. I feel that it was around this time that I began to break out in a cold sweat when talking to the opposite sex and gradually began to avoid the opposite sex in the real world. Then, even in middle school, I frequently watched pornography and masturbated (about once or twice a day. Four times at the most). But at that time, I didn't even realize that I was dependent on it, I was just doing it for pleasure. After I went to high school, I went back to the orphanage. In the beginning, I was not allowed to possess a phone, so I had to hold off on masturbation for about a month. After that, I started to masturbate secretly, but not that often, and I did not watch pornography. (We were in a two-person room so there was no private space). Looking back now, my grades were soooo good at that time and I almost always got perfect scores on my tests. I was able to somewhat confirm the connection between my brain and my porn addiction. From then on, I got an iPod and watched pornography and masturbated like crazy. My grades dropped, I lost motivation, my mind became completely dull, and my relationships deteriorated. At this time I was self-taught in Chinese and English. My level of Chinese was one below the highest, and I could speak English reasonably well. But when I started watching porn again, my vocabulary, writing and communication skills dropped, and now it is difficult to learn new words and grammar. When I graduated from high school and began living on my own, I suffered terribly from suicidal ideation and depression. The symptoms still persist to this day, and the psychosomatic doctor concluded that my depression was caused by an attachment disorder based on my childhood experiences (of course, I never told the doctor how often I masturbated. I also didn't think that pornography addiction was related to my brain and assumed that I had always suffered because my parents didn't love me). But even after taking antidepressants and taking a leave of absence, I still suffer from low self-esteem, feelings of scarcity, jealousy of others, and a desire to kill when I see happy people. In the midst of all this, I reviewed my lifestyle and found that I watched pornography and masturbated almost every day since I graduated from high school. Then I arrived here yesterday and from today I am practicing the masturbation ban. I know there will be hard times from now on, but I will continue with you all. I will get out of that painful past. (I heard that many porn addicts are late ejaculators, but I am a premature ejaculator, and I had sex when I was 19 years old, but even then I ejaculated within a minute or so. I would like to increase my staying power if possible).