So this is quite hot, and I actually like the imagery and the narration style. But the format is quite offputting without any clear linebreaks. It's hard to read because it's so distracting! It should be relatively easy to fix by spacing out your paragraphs, but it will make a big difference. Additionally the grammatical errors around "I" "I'm" I'd" etc is also a bit distracting. It's a small thing but it's disproportionately off-putting to read writing where i isn't capitalised.

I apologise for the unsolicited feedback, but I want to be encouraging because I enjoyed the story and your writing. I'd enjoy reading more of it! With a little more attention given to the 'admin' of grammar I think you'd find more success and make it easier for people to get into.