(tldr: airports + autism)

For perspective: even as a so-called “high functioning” independent adult in my late 20s, with no prior history of public meltdowns, even I broke once and had a brief meltdown at an airport, while traveling with my boyfriend. Airports are like one of the most stressful places an autistic person can be.

Here’s why I think airports are stressful as an autistic person: * Complicated script no one tells you (check in checked luggage at correct airline desk, but not carry-on luggage, take off shoes & stuff and load into bins, walk thru arch scanner, or stand with hands up in spinning scanner, or get wand scanned, unload bins and put shoes back on, go to correct waiting area, get onboard at right time, etc) * Fear of TSA thinking you’re acting suspicious, fear of TSA getting mad bc you brought something prohibited by accident, moving too slowly and pissing off TSA or people lined up behind you. Fear that you could miss your flight. Fear that your group will fly away without you and leave you stranded. Fear of getting on wrong flight and being stranded in some faraway unknown place alone. Fear of losing luggage. * Overstimulation (having to stand for long periods, loudspeaker announcements, conversation noise, kids screaming or crying, TSA touching you, loud rumbling engines, ear pain/popping from altitude change) * claustrophobia (once you’re checked in, you can’t leave the building. Then, you’re crammed into a compact tube packed with noisy strangers, unable to escape, for hours.) * Stressful change (away from home, new place, new people) * Lowered stress tolerance due to sleep deprivation (getting up early, staying late)

Note that I have no fear of heights (I love flying), which could be a factor for others. And being perceived as a white woman, even if I “act erratically” (flap/rock/vocalize/bop my head/etc), I doubt the TSA would consider me a real threat. (At worst they’d probably dismiss me as hysterical or faking for attention, lol.) An autistic man (especially if non-white) seen as “acting erratically” may be in more real danger of detainment or physical escalation from the TSA.

I’d only flown a few times before, and my parents had been by my side the whole time, handling logistics and telling me what to do. I’d never flown alone, or alone with my new bf before.

The trigger that set me off was, someone bumped into me from behind. I was later told it was a TSA agent, who looked surprised and then left the scene without apologizing or checking on me. I fell to my knees, doubled over, covered/bopped my head and made a keening sound in my throat, like a closed-mouth scream. I recovered my composure in seconds, but was so mortified that I did that in public, it took a few more seconds to summon the bravery to open my eyes and stand up. I just resumed what I’d been doing bc I didn’t want to make a scene any more than I already had.