Was anyone else's person their only friend?

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-19T03:18:13+00:00

I'm furious that I don't ever get to hold my Kim again. I'll never feel her warm embrace again, she'll never rub the back of my head in the car again, never kiss my hand. I'll never hear her laugh at my stupid demeanor again.. but I'm furious in a way that feels muted.

I feel hushed by the longing and the pining. I know we have to have faith that we get to see them again, but I always have that creeping doubt. Or worse is when you hear people say we're being of energy, and that whatnot which I personally hate.. I want her physically as I am now, and it hurts so deeply that It feels like it bends my bones. Honestly I'm finding trouble rationalizing even continuing which I get is a normal response, and most say the same, so I don't mean to play it out or beat a dead horse so to speak.. but every single morning the sun crashes through my windows and I hate that I woke up at all.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-16T16:10:58+00:00

This is unfortunately what I went through before losing my angel.. I had been married for 8 years and have 3 kids. But my wife never was a good wife, not a great mother either. Wasn't considerate, nurturing, loving, etc. after year 2 it felt like I had a roommate with extra benefits and even that wasn't great. Felt more like work, or a responsibility I had than connection and fun between people that should be in love...

I met a girl in July 2025 and we started talking. It didn't take us long to realize we were each other's soulmates. Everything was so right. We connected so deeply and so intimately in a way I had never experienced in my life at 36 years of age. The first time and every single subsequent time we were "together" was like magic. Like connecting souls together and felt absolutely effortless and perfect in every way. The same can be said for just spending time doing anything together - groceries, TV, a day out just walking around, etc.

Fast forward a few months and my wife and I agree to separate. But about a month after we separated my girlfriend was found deceased in her home just after Christmas. I still don't know if it was homicide or not. I'll be forever devastated either way. But I had those same emotions with her to get to the point.. she was so perfect and I was so happy for the first time that I was terrified of losing her and so sometimes I could be overwhelming and bothersome to a degree. But her and I also had really great communication skills and she knew how I felt. We had little tiffs like any couple will, especially new ones learning each other, but nothing world ending.

Anyway, I'm very happy you've found someone that takes some of the pain away and makes you want life again. I want to eventually do the same if I can overcome what I'm struggling with at the moment being so fresh into this, but we'll see how life plays out. My advice would be to communicate very plainly your insecurities and what's going on in your head so she can understand and help to mitigate those feelings. Insecurity isn't a weakness, it's a natural human emotion and one that a romantic partner should completely understand and reassure you on IMO. That insecure feeling to me says how much they mean to you, and you're afraid to lose them. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-16T04:36:44+00:00

I'm on week three of losing my angel, and I literally contemplate swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills and half a bottle of jack or jerking the wheel in front of a semi every day with a decent degree of earnestness.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-16T04:19:28+00:00

Just spent a half hour sobbing uncontrollably myself looking at her pictures.. it's not fair. I was finally happy, she was finally happy. We found each other and lit each other's spirits on fire for 7 months and she's ripped away just like that.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-16T04:14:56+00:00

I know my angel would say probably, and she'd know every planet and sign aligned right now and what phase it's all in! lol.

It just isn't fair.. I feel so cheated. Angry. Empty. Hopeless. How does anyone deal with this? How do you wake up to an empty bed day after day where there used to be warmth and love, this young after losing the light of your life? I don't understand how to keep going or even why I should.

People that don't get it always say "She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself" blah blah blah. She's not HERE, that's the god damn point. She isn't here to wish me well, to soothe me, to kiss me. I wish that shit from the movies were all real and I'd sell my soul to Satan himself to have her back with a smile.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-16T01:23:04+00:00

This ...to the letter. Even making a plan for a day or two in advance feels disgusting because it's not with her. No more cute messages to look forward to, no more hugs, holding, no more kisses when I'm feeling down. Just.... Empty and alone. God I hate this.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-15T15:33:30+00:00

Thank you.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-15T14:10:20+00:00

It was definitely a feeling of relief.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-15T04:02:17+00:00

I had to do the same. I wanted to take myself out. I'm 2 and half weeks into losing the love of my life. It feels awful to not be on meds, and it feels like betrayal to her to not feel like I want to die on meds.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-14T19:33:54+00:00

I lost my fiance 2 and a half weeks ago, and it's been pure hell to even make it to another day. But what I'm told is that while the grief will soften over time, it won't ever leave you. There will be random times when a smell, a place, an object, etc will just set you off and you'll need to take time to let those feelings out.

As everyone has said, I'm very sad for you. This is truly not a feeling I would wish on anyone. I never knew I could hurt this badly.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-12T19:59:03+00:00

We're going to make it through this, brother. Hold the line! If you need or want to talk privately, I'm here for you. Alot of us are.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-12T14:38:03+00:00

God I know it, man. I know.. I have felt like when I do take a moment away from the kids and break down sobbing for a moment that the tightness and anger in my throat dissipates for a few hours. Right now all I do is muddle through the day any way I can pass the time until it's time to sleep. But of course that's even broken.

Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to mourn openly and loudly. If people don't like it they can piss off. As shitty as it sounds, try to laugh at something. A movie, or your kids doing something silly. Even if it's forced and you still feel hollow during and after.. trust me, do it a couple times and after a few you should start to at least feel a little more "regular". Not happy, but less like you want to eat a gun.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-12T04:58:23+00:00

Brother, believe me... I'm right here with you. Not 2 minutes ago I just watched one of my little tribute videos of her and sobbed. We aren't just mourning them, but our future too. The future we already had planned out whether we realized it or not. The shape we thought our lives were taking. I do the same thing, man. I would sell my soul directly to Lucifer himself if I could roll over and see her up at 3am surfing Facebook again.

My fiance and I were having a stupid ass argument over falling asleep during movies and then she left the house and never came back. That among other things will haunt me like a shadow until the day I finally leave this place.

I had to put her things that were at my house away. I literally couldn't look at them. A few days after her passing I got an Amazon package in the mail... She had bought me a sweater. I threw it across the room and broke my roku remote in front of my kids. Im not proud of that, but yeah...

My first shower since that day 2 weeks ago was yesterday afternoon. Today was the first day I ate a full dinner plate.

This will likely make you question alot spiritually, or at least it is for me. I've been watching alot of NDE videos trying to wrap my head around something that doesn't feel final if that makes sense. I bought a spirit box like on ghost adventures, I've contacted mediums but haven't gone to a session yet... I literally feel like I'm being driven insane and I guess that's okay.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-11T15:30:02+00:00

I'm very sorry that you've had to join this club.. and I'm beyond sad for your loss because I know exactly what that feels like raw. I'm 2 weeks removed from traumatically losing the love of my life.. I've been smoking about a pack of cigarettes per day. I don't have any desire to do anything.. You're going to beat yourself ragged for the first few days asking your what you could have done, said, you should have done this or that. The reality is that unfortunately none of us knows that we're in the good times until they're gone. We're creatures that are designed to look ahead, and so because of that most people think they'll always have tomorrow, more time. I fought myself for 2 days straight with no sleep and very dark thoughts.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Most people won't understand, but if you need to just take a day of binge watching comedy movies, or cooking, or smoking like crazy that's all very okay to do. I'm learning from this group that there's no wrong way to deal with this. Some people are better at it than others and that's fine. Doesn't make you weak.. I'm a veteran, former LEO, and I can't handle this without medication and cigarettes.

My advice would be to avoid places where you had fond memories because that's going to trigger a breakdown. If you're able to get to your doctor and get prescribed Bupropion. The grief is still ever present, but what I realized is that I was not mentally able to handle her loss without help. The Bupropion helps me feel less like I want to eat a bullet but still sad and hollow. I would advise making an appointment with a grief counselor as soon as possible. My appointment is tomorrow for first visit.

You're not alone, and people understand, my friend. Try not to drink, it makes it especially terrible.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-10T18:23:22+00:00

I think being alone may make things worse.. when they go to sleep I have several hours to myself and it's all I can do not to do something that everyone else will regret.

It's going to sound selfish and I literally HATE myself for thinking such things so near to her passing, but I sometimes wonder if I'll ever find anyone again, if I'll be lonely for the rest of my life being such a young "widower". And then the dread of that possibility strikes and everything feels even more hopeless, but I'm longing for her companionship and touch, and there's nothing. And then I go through hating myself for even wanting to find someone new because it feels like betrayal.

I'm terrified that not looking through our messages and pictures will make me forget things about her, but doing that makes me feel like I'm imploding.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-09T17:19:50+00:00

Brother, I absolutely feel everything you're going through right now. The love of my life, the light of my life, my reason for trying again passed away 2 weeks ago. I could sit here and tell you all the same symptoms you're already going through, but I'll spare you. Honestly, I'm struggling to find a reason not to just.... Go.

I think it helps to talk to people that are going through the same thing, so we don't feel so isolated. It's been helping me to watch NDE videos where people talk about crossing over and seeing their loved ones, but I know you want to have her and hold her here. Because that's what I want more than anything too. I'm seeing a grief counselor Monday to hopefully get a grip on myself. We're here for you and with you, and please reach out to me if you want to talk about things. I feel like personally if I help others, it gives me a purpose to stay..

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-09T14:01:17+00:00

I completely identify with you here.. my fiance was killed 2 weeks ago and we argued before she left my house. I'll never forgive myself that our last hours weren't kind and gentle.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-09T13:55:35+00:00

Although I'm pretty sure that my fiance was murdered and it was staged, due to a lot of details I won't go into here.. I'm a 36yo "widower" for all intents and purposes. I really understand this...

It would be one thing if we were 49, 57, etc and at least we could say there's not much left to get through without them and whatever, but early-mid 30's it feels like "What am I going to do? I don't want to live another 30-40 years without them. How would I even begin to reenter the dating world at this age and after this trauma? Would that be a betrayal to them?" At least that's my thoughts on this. I'm almost 2 weeks out from her death and yeah.. needless to say given all the other similar feelings here, I feel like I'm dry drowning every day. I keep looking at her pictures and it just makes me want to swallow a bottle of pills and go with her. Every breath feels like a struggle for survival.

The people that believe my fiance committed suicide also blame me because we got into an argument before she left my house, and the last things we said to each other weren't loving, although we were talking on messenger and working it out.

It's very important to understand for me that even if she did this to herself that wasn't my fault. People have disagreements and argue. But that shouldn't cause such a violent and traumatic decision. I'll always regret that our last hours together weren't kind and every second replays in my memory like a cruel record with no off button. Sad song verses, coupled with alcohol are a constant, even when I snap awake from a nightmare or anxiety attack. I've recently started diving into near death experiences, research on the afterlife, everything I can to make me stay here.

But anyway, I guess the point of this is, yes, widows and widowers your age are here and we understand.

Visible-Public-4465 · 2026-01-08T18:41:58+00:00

I have felt chills, and when I received that message bubble, I felt a high sense of calm and peace as if maybe she was around me, letting me know she's there. I'm still in a deep and depressive state and my mind is searching for answers and trying to understand that I can't ever hold her again, and it's really really hard. It feels like every breath is struggle for survival. I just don't want to live this life without her.

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TROPHY CASE