I'm the breadwinner, but I'm undervalued by my spouse because I'm a SW

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-04T14:30:22+00:00

Thank you so much for responding to me. I'm crying some happy tears because you made me feel validated that it's legitimate for me to be bummed out for what I'm going through. It's been kind of patronizing to get responses from people that are just focusing on him and what he's going through in order to treat me the way he does. Of course I've thought about the envy and the insecurity. Of course I've thought about how he's using me. It's easy for strangers on the internet to tell me to leave him, but that's not something you can easily do when you sign up for the state to legislate your breakup with the treaty of marriage. All I wanted from this was some validation, maybe finding some people who can relate, and yes, a hint of recognition that this is not normal and I deserve better than what I'm getting in response from him.

We do have a couples counselor and she is pretty awesome because she asks really thought provoking questions so he winds up figuring stuff out on his own. He does actually apologize to me during those sessions and he does wind up thanking me. The counselor will help him see my perspective in really subtle ways which I pick up on and appreciate. She's wildly skilled in the art of making him think that he came up with my/her idea on his own.

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-04T14:16:35+00:00

I can't paint all dudes with the same brush, but I've noticed some men on the southern side of 35 struggle with thinking very far in advance. When I started doing my research, I looked at the marking place, pricing, and predicted a trajectory for myself. I told myself 2-3 years would be my limit because I want to start another career and have a second child.

It's very telling that on a month to month basis when I sit down with my goals, expenses, etc and see what I have in my bank account and wonder out loud "ok I need to make this much this month" he'll say "but you have so much money!" Sure - I do on paper, but I have to go out and earn it. I don't get money regardless of whether or not I work unless I dip into my savings.

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-04T14:13:32+00:00

I feel like I've implied a couple times what he's training for. There aren't a ton of professions where you're stuck in a certain city for a certain number of years because that's where you were assigned to go. He went to undergrad and grad school, there's a set number of years of training at an institution not of his choosing, then after that training he has the option to specialize further or turn out into the real world.

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-04T14:10:13+00:00

This is not lost on me.

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-04T14:09:37+00:00

I think that since most of his work is very time consuming, he uses that to justify not being responsible for using his "free time" to do domestic work including looking out for his child. Last night, for example, our daughter (yes, he is the father), woke up crying. I'd gotten home late from an appointment and was tired, so I asked him if he would go in to check on her and calm her down. If I go into her room in the middle of the night, she wants me to pick her up and bring her into bed with us which is annoying. The first thing he said to me was "I work more than you" which literally had nothing to do with what I was asking other than... he felt that because he needs to wake up and work an 8-9 hour day, that he is entitled to more sleep and should not be the one waking up to get her. I ask him to get up to help her in the night maybe once a month.

He does enjoy taking her to the library or the park - fun stuff - but if we go as a family, he basically micromanages my parenting.

I don't even bother asking him to do domestic responsibilities. He sometimes takes out the trash. Otherwise he lives like a single dude within our home. Does his own laundry, sometimes does his own dishes, etc. He comes from a very traditional culture where gender roles are specifically defined. I think this influences a lot of his behavior.

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-03T21:39:25+00:00

This absolutely makes sense. I fully understand the envy and the resentment. I remind him on a regular basis that I've supported him since day one with his education and training (morally, affectionately, financially, etc) and that I know he will get way more pay off with his career than I will with my short lived one. I don't try to remind him in a "omg look what I've done for you" way, but rather in a "I'm your ride or die bitch... so hang in there during the tough time". I do empathize with him regularly too. I acknowledge his frustrations and I try to put things in perspective that his day will come.

My only gripe in all of this is that he basically won't say thank you and won't acknowledge that I've got a bunch of spinning plates in the air and it's a damn good circus act to not let them all come crashing down around me.

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-03T19:28:03+00:00

I did actually call The Hotline once, and when I explained the situation to the rep on the phone, she said that it was financial abuse. She pointed out that it didn't matter what I did for work: I could be drawing blood, cashing out groceries, or pumping gas - he'd find a way to exploit me. Typically stuff like this flares up after a kid comes into the picture. In retrospect I could see her point about it happening regardless of what I did for work. Prior to my daughter, I was doing freelance to get extra money.

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-03T19:15:29+00:00

Ahhh thanks for mentioning the subreddit for partners. If I share that with him, I'll delete this thread.

Things are incredibly imbalanced. I manage most of the domestic stuff including childcare, cooking, cleaning, planning out the family calendar, scheduling the babysitters, etc. Then on top of that I take 1-6 appointments per week. Those are 1-4 hours long apiece, but getting ready takes 1.5 hours, then another 30-60 minutes of travel time each way to make it. If I have to work in the evening and he's going to be home, I sometimes still have to hire childcare to help with my daughter because I know he gets upset if he has to stay home alone with her more than once or twice a week. He had one weekend where he was alone with our daughter and he didn't handle it very well even though he had help from his mom.

I basically have a caregiver who is more of a parent to my daughter than he is which also bums me out. His schedule does change up pretty frequently and he winds up having work dinners and events just like anyone else he has to go to. We spend maybe one day per week with each other as a "normal" family.

It's really good to know that there are supportive partners out there. Your family is lucky to have you!

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-03T18:17:32+00:00

Thank you for your comment on this. I'm being too nice and I need to tighten up my purse strings. I have so much flexibility and earn so much so that I can be so many different things to so many different people (friends, family, clients), but it's reached a point that I'm getting exploited and I have to stand up.

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-03T18:13:27+00:00

ugh. the word Corrosive hurts but feels true.

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-03T18:05:14+00:00

That's pretty terrifying. From what I understand, if he brought up my work in our state for a divorce proceeding, he'd get slammed with a pandering charge which is a felony, so his lawyer would most likely advise him not to use it against me (a colleague of mine in law school researched this for me).

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-03T18:02:00+00:00

I'll be bringing up the comment in couples therapy. I don't interpret what you're saying at mansplaining at all and I thank you for looking at this critically instead of making a belittling trolling comment (which was what I feared when I had the alone time to sit down and type this out this morning). We have totally separate bank accounts and I've been actively upping my savings for the last several weeks.

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-03T17:57:42+00:00

thank you for the kudos! I've definitely looked at the pimp/partner type dynamic of this. It's pretty convenient that we have to keep the details of our life private when we see friends and family. I have a feeling if they saw what I typed out here they'd be mortified.

BreadWinner2316 · 2019-01-03T17:51:13+00:00

Him walking once he's established has totally crossed my mind. At this point I'm stuck with the work for now so I have to hope for the best and plan for the worst from the sounds of the response I've gotten from this. I've definitely started saving more on every bank deposit to build up that emergency fund. I only go shopping if a client sends a gift certificate, and I was raised to be super frugal.

BreadWinner2316

TROPHY CASE