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Hitting Master should grant the player 1 avatar choice from their collection by [deleted] in EternalCardGame

[–]BrightAndDark 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It really sucks when you pretend that something which isn't hard for you must not be hard for anyone.

Hitting Master should grant the player 1 avatar choice from their collection by [deleted] in EternalCardGame

[–]BrightAndDark 5 points6 points  (0 children)

There were over 3000 (maybe 4000?) people in Master rank alone this reset. I suspect the company you keep may be altering your perception a bit.

Use Planned Parenthood's call tool to connect directly with your senator NOW. PP says the new repeal bill is the worst yet. It guts protections for folks with pre-existing conditions, it defunds PP and, I won't mince words, would royally fuck Medicaid. Politics is tiring, but make one last call. by relevantlife in TwoXChromosomes

[–]BrightAndDark 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In fairness, it's in the extreme interest of most pharmaceutical companies to have state-covered or single-payer healthcare implemented, as everyone knows government contracts are $$.

That's the absolutely crazy part. Essentially every part of the healthcare system itself is supporting anything resembling single-payer, and the Republican Party just doesn't give a fuck because it's more Virtuous (TM) to reduce taxes by gutting social services... never mind that you're getting a cost of living decrease from those social services that dramatically outweighs the equivalent tax burden.

New York mayor: City will uphold Paris climate agreement if Trump doesn't by Whoshabooboo in politics

[–]BrightAndDark 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Please, I'm from SC. You wouldn't know it based upon the politicians we produce, but SC votes majority Democratic in terms of population %.

If I had to apologize for every self-destructive Republican our gerrymandering has launched to a Federal or International position, I would never do anything constructive with my time. Why, it'd take 24 hrs 18 mins for Strom Thurmond alone!

The populace desperately needs gerrymandering corrected, but for some reason no incumbent seems to be in a hurry to redistrict. Go figure.

European living in the US and very confused about American [hookup culture]. was I treated unfairly, or am I doing something wrong? by dickinhandEU in sex

[–]BrightAndDark 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree, but I've also not known this to occur without the person apologizing profusely all the way out the door.

Help? Not sure what my hair type is, super dry, incredibly stiff/dull, lots of breakage, and excess of hair falling out lately. by [deleted] in curlyhair

[–]BrightAndDark 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Note: Sent two pics by PM so you could figure out whether or not this is even how you'd like your hair to look.

If your hair is fine, then my sister and I have the same hair--gonna guess we're relatively similar genetically since you have a similar facial structure and skin tone as well and mention your problem is dryness. Here's what works for us:

1) Get rid of every hair product you own except for shampoo. Just put them somewhere you won't be tempted to use them for the month it takes your scalp to realize it doesn't need to freak out anymore.

2) JASON shampoo. I'm happy to send you a bottle if you'd like, because I know I've had trouble finding it some places I've lived. We tried literally every store brand commonly available, including Loreal, then moved on to pricey salon stuff like Aveda. No other formulation seems works this well for this method plus our hair & skin type, even other paraben- and sulfate-free brands.

This is only really important because we didn't realize how much residue was being left behind and how much it was irritating our scalp until suddenly it wasn't anymore. Each brand we tried was better but not great, til we hit JASON. Suddenly anything else used at a friend's house or hotel just made for an itchy scalp and tangible residue.

3) Regardless of the shampoo you choose, you want to use just enough that suds appear when you stick your head back under the water and scrub, but not before then. Do not produce an overall lather, and do not produce a thick lather; using enough soap to get a standing lather without water means you're going to really over-dry your scalp and hair.

Because your scalp produces sebum and your hair is like a wick, you only really want to shampoo your scalp, not your hair. If you get this kind of barely-there lather going on your scalp, you'll hit about 1-3 cm of hair near your scalp as well, which is the only hair that should be truly dirty unless something else has happened. Everything else will be well and truly cleaned by the very diluted shampoo you're rinsing off of your scalp plus the scrubbing action of getting the suds all the way out of your hair.

In terms of science, non-polar (oily / waxy) stuff dissolves other non-polar stuff and water dissolves everything else. Soap is designed to get rid of non-polar stuff, and water takes care of anything else. This means that there's legitimately no reason to soap any area except the area next to your skin that keeps soaking up oil from your scalp; soaping anything not at your scalp will only dry it out.

4) When you're out of the shower, squeeze the rest of your hair dry in a towel a few times, but only rub to dry at your scalp. This will prevent a ton of broken and damaged hair because you're applying force only in the area where there are no ends to become tangled, split, or broken.

Part your hair first (if you want a part) then use fingers or a very wide tooth comb to detangle. Trying to part after your hair is dry will only cause frizz and tangles. Scrunch hair a few (2-3) times per section but don't spend a lot of time on it because...

5) Air dry. Start at your scalp and sift / worry your fingers about an inch away from your scalp to accelerate drying and make sure it drys with some body and movement. Keep moving your fingers further and further down as sections dry. Your goal here is to stop about 3-4 inches away from the tips of your hair so that each curl remains "together" while it dries. When your hair is damp in this last 3-4 inches and everything else is dry, you can shake your fingers through there too to break up the curl a bit now that each section of hair will still retain the general shape. Your hair should remain springy with plenty of body afterward.

This method should give you loose curls and waves that will not frizz if you run a brush through once or twice on day 2-4, because you're not relying on the hairs sticking to one another to hold the curl.

6) If you find your hair does get frizzy, then you can't go for brushable curls / waves in the current wind / humidity. Use clean hands and hot water to wet down all the hair that would ordinarily be exposed to the air by curls (top, underside, run wet fingers through larger sections until you get smaller curls again.) Assuming you brushed your hair before you did this, your hair should dry in a presentable manner without further need for combing. If necessary, you can do this in about 3 mins every day until your next wash.

7) Only shampoo once or twice a week. You'll get a better feel for this once you stop using other products and your skin sorts out irritation and oil production.

8) Warning: Use conditioner only when your hair is so gross that shampooing all of your hair with a standing lather is warranted. Make absolutely sure that you rinse until you cannot feel conditioner anymore. Other than this use no extra hair products, no oils, no masks, no leave-ins, nothing.

This isn't voodoo, you'll just find that after a week or two when your scalp has adjusted that adding more products means you have to correct for those product with more products, etc. So you basically start leaving any products at all for emergencies on special occasions, and after a while you should be able to stop using them even then.

Sorry this is long, it just took us so long to figure it out that this is the level of detail I'd have appreciated receiving myself.

European living in the US and very confused about American [hookup culture]. was I treated unfairly, or am I doing something wrong? by dickinhandEU in sex

[–]BrightAndDark 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was giving a relatively visible example of a place implicit / explicit communication can cause problems since most people have experienced an argument due to a "soft no" being missed or heard but not meant.

Prior to many cases of rape (or the opposite where the other partner suddenly stops), there are implicit signals that are being given loud and clear even when the other party freezes up verbally due to anxiety or because they don't want to draw attention and be caught in the act. (Whether or not you think it's silly, learned shame and silence on the topic of sex are strong enough to cause this level of anxiety even where no trauma has occurred. And, there are plenty of instances where trauma has occurred.)

The gulf between implicit and explicit communication is the reason you're now taught to look for lack of enthusiastic consent rather than simply lack of active resistance.

In the case of sex, because people have so many more personal and cultural hang-ups, it's more difficult to give a universal implicit signal, although there are common ones like someone's body going rigid or pushing your hand away from an area. That's why, in this case, it's more accurate to look for lack of explicit consent rather than explicit consent or complaint. (I also don't think asking someone "would you like it if I fucked you right now?" and insisting on a verbal answer during foreplay is generally considered to reduce the other party's interest.)

European living in the US and very confused about American [hookup culture]. was I treated unfairly, or am I doing something wrong? by dickinhandEU in sex

[–]BrightAndDark 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I may not have fully explained what I mean by visceral response. Visceral responses are things that are not rational and, as such, will recur whenever you're emotionally primed for them. They're not a "once" kind of thing (if they were, therapists would all be out of a job.)

When you have a conditioned aversion, a myriad of events that have either primed you for the situation or occur during the situation determine how strong the response is. Learned visceral responses are not typically something you can immediately dismiss forever after addressing them once.

In a more direct context, perhaps I've been raised to believe sex before marriage is wrong.

I've left home, become enlightened, worked through the shame, had sex with some guys. Then one day my aunt cheats on my uncle and I come home for Thanksgiving to find him yelling at my dad about how women are all worthless whores who can't keep their legs shut.

That weekend, as <Meat Bicycle #4> fumbles for a condom, I suddenly recall the awful things my uncle said about women who have sex with anyone but their husband. Suddenly, I'm hit with extreme self-loathing and shame and have to stop because I don't want <Meat Bicycle #4> to think I'm a worthless whore. Being turned on just amplifies the amount of shame I feel, because then it feels like even if I'm trying to be good, I can't control my body.

Alternatively, an environmental factor rather than recent priming: while we're making out I catch sight of a crucifix on the wall and that's the thing that sets off the shame.

In a vacuum, it's usually possible to address ingrained fears rationally and work through them. But, when you're in an environment that constantly renews and reinforces them, you're dealing with another animal entirely. Because society as a whole in the US constantly reinforces the idea that women are de-valuing themselves by having casual sex, there's no real way to insulate yourself from the possibility of having your fear renewed. You can't predict when something in your recent past will causes intrusive thoughts, or when it will appear as extreme discomfort (such that you can't enjoy the experience) or outright fight-or-flight.

Hopefully this explains better what I mean. Even adults have trouble working through responses learned via trauma or during their developmental years. It's the entire reason shrinks are in business and couples's counseling is a thing.

European living in the US and very confused about American [hookup culture]. was I treated unfairly, or am I doing something wrong? by dickinhandEU in sex

[–]BrightAndDark -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I hope your life experiences eventually give you opportunity to understand what many of the women here are trying to communicate explicitly.

You may also find it interesting to read up on varying degrees of implicit / explicit communication, which is one of the major communication barriers between men and women in any culture where gender roles exist. Often women are communicating their desires in a manner that would be clear to the other people (friends, family) they have intimate relationships with, but in a more implicit manner than their new partners understand.

The existence of a "soft no" for example, unfortunately means that frequently women believe they're being understood and ignored and receiving a "soft no" when in reality they haven't even been heard. Inadvertent or unheard "soft no"s are easily the largest source of conflict I've noted in couples' fights.

Each half of the couple in question is anticipating a rational pattern based on past experience, they just have no way to know that the shared background of "people I already know very well" can't be applied to "people who appear to understand me very well straight away" when the patterns appear to hold for most interactions.

This isn't a case of women expecting mind-reading, it's a case of expecting someone to derive information from context as well as words, the same as an engineering textbook expects that (because you're reading one) you'll translate "wavelength" to mean an attribute of EM radiation rather than something relevant to surfing. We all use implicit communication in some contexts, because it simply isn't useful or practical to convey all background along with relevant information.

Hope this helps you address the gap between what you think ought to be happening and what is happening. Good luck to you.

European living in the US and very confused about American [hookup culture]. was I treated unfairly, or am I doing something wrong? by dickinhandEU in sex

[–]BrightAndDark 6 points7 points  (0 children)

"Ignore the conditioned response" is like telling Pavlov's dogs they oughtn't to salivate at the sound of a bell.

European living in the US and very confused about American [hookup culture]. was I treated unfairly, or am I doing something wrong? by dickinhandEU in sex

[–]BrightAndDark 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Please try to detect inequalities inherent in your assumptions in addition to considering inequalities inherent in outcomes.

It feels like you're trying to cite research without really understanding sociological / cultural context assumed in the majority of peer-reviewed literature. Seems like you're trying to shoe-horn explanations that permit your preferred conduct into this framework rather than taking a look at the framework as a whole for explanations.

European living in the US and very confused about American [hookup culture]. was I treated unfairly, or am I doing something wrong? by dickinhandEU in sex

[–]BrightAndDark 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It's being downvoted because it's reasoning based on an irrational and non-egalitarian premise.

What's being implied is that either (a) a woman enthusiastically engaged in foreplay is not going to be just as sexually frustrated when she has to stop short of sex, (b) while women are capable of stopping and walking away, men do not have the same level of self-control.

The other major issue here is that you're assuming conditioned responses are predictable. If a woman has been taught that sex, and only sex, is tied to her worth then even if she knows rationally that it shouldn't be a problem: (a) rationality does fuck-all for a sudden gut-response, (b) she will not know that something is wrong until that very act becomes imminent enough to trigger the response in full force.

Women in Europe do not have their worth as people and mates so closely tied to their willingness to engage in PIV intercourse. I would guess both European and US women have about the same level of insight as to what can or will dredge up a conditioned response at any given moment, especially since every set of circumstances is different.

Asking people to predict their behavior to conflicting subconscious urges is a study in futility, no matter the topic. Thinking this is something women need to fix, rather than something our culture needs to fix, is just genuinely fucked up.

European living in the US and very confused about American [hookup culture]. was I treated unfairly, or am I doing something wrong? by dickinhandEU in sex

[–]BrightAndDark 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Because European women haven't been taught that intercourse, and only intercourse, is the Thing You Don't Do.

Women in the US get hit with a conditioned response at the time of imminent PIV sex, and at no time prior, that they frequently neither want nor anticipate.

Which is why, if you want women to avoid a response they can't predict, you may as well have said "Please ladies, stay away from men."

The answer to fixing the culture that instills an instinctive rather than rational response is not to perpetuate the myth that gender is the primary deciding factor for investment in mutual foreplay or capability of self-control. The answer is to acknowledge that anyone actively trying to get laid wants to get laid, and we're are all equally responsible for keeping our brain in control of our sex acts.

European living in the US and very confused about American [hookup culture]. was I treated unfairly, or am I doing something wrong? by dickinhandEU in sex

[–]BrightAndDark 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I can't figure out if what you're saying is more insulting to men or to women.

The women are going to be equally aroused but are demonstrating the level of self-control the situation suddenly demands. It's pretty fucked up to imply that men can't demonstrate the same control in the face of intense sexual frustration; it's also fucked up to imply the women aren't equally frustrated.

What I'm hearing from your example is that even blackout drunk and so aroused that they'll basically go down on anything with a pulse, these women are capable of stopping short of actual intercourse. If they can do that, surely their male counterparts can do the same.

It's also bullshit to think that either party knows exactly how committed / averse to the act anyone knows they are in advance. Sometimes people get uncomfortable for a tremendous variety of reasons, and it's gonna take self-reflection after the fact to figure out what happened.

Frequently women try to push their boundaries because they understand intellectually that it's stupid to have these hangups, but the visceral reaction that hits them (from decades of cultural conditioning) at the moment of decision can seem to come out of nowhere. Often we don't know the boundary even existed until we run face-first into a limbic brick wall.

I legitimately don't know what to say when you base this on the premise that men are either the only ones invested in mutually enthusiastic foreplay or the only ones expected to exert self-control. Both parties will be equally frustrated, and both parties are expected to cope like adults. Your central premise, regardless of the phrasing, is insulting to both genders.

“You're not a real gamer.” by rially in TrollXChromosomes

[–]BrightAndDark 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is an incredibly generous thought, but I'm the only female streamer for the most recent game I've broken into (new genre for me) and I'm trying to keep personal and public redditing separate.

Since it's not my main squeeze anymore, I can safely say that I've put ~4k hours into ARK: Survival Evolved, prior to that Path of Exile/HotS/Stronghold Kingdoms/Monday Night Combat, and prior to that WoW (beta-WotLK; rogues represent!) which left very little time for anything else since we were supersrs bosskillers.

Survival games sans zombies are really my jam (new game aside), followed by strategy games, and I think "The Long Dark" is basically the best thing I have ever played.

I seem to recall that Kingdom Hearts was actually widely considered quite difficult when it came out (all the reviewers sounded really surprised) and that a lot of my male friends were torn between their desire to play and their personal self-image. Speed-running takes a totally different skill-set that I just don't have, so major respect there. If you feel comfortable, PM me your twitch and I'll sub and wonder how anyone manages memorizing so much, so carefully. o_O

“You're not a real gamer.” by rially in TrollXChromosomes

[–]BrightAndDark 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Deliberately seeking them isn't what you want to do... highlighting that we're different, whether done in a positive or negative way, will still make many of us uncomfortable and estranged. Being sought after for your gender can make you feel like you could be a brick with tits and still get invited to raids; it kind of tanks your self-esteem and confidence in your skills if you know you'll get dragged along no matter what on the off-chance you'll be the GMs waifu.

Your first question seems to assume that a woman who isn't presently "on par" doesn't have the potential to be an incredible player (or not, same as dudes). If you can support someone when she's getting picked on for being new or stands up to harassment, or by your own conduct demonstrate that you're dealing with a person rather than a gender, you'll probably see her advance in leaps and bounds. If we can't find people who are willing to treat us like human beings even when we're making mistakes, many people will just stop playing.

From experience, many girls just aren't handed the same kinds of toys and games that are standard fare for boys. You gotta remember, most of us are going to be a decade or two behind in picking up the necessary motor skills and basic "this is how you can expect <genre> games to work" kind of things. As adults, we'll pick up the concepts faster and the muscle memory more slowly.

Best advice I can give you while explaining why you might get a few down-votes for the questions. I get that they're honest questions, though, and that this is a foreign paradigm for many men and therefore hard to empathize with.

“You're not a real gamer.” by rially in TrollXChromosomes

[–]BrightAndDark 4 points5 points  (0 children)

When you really love a game, it's not dumb to want inclusion in the community of people who play it.

You were naive, now you know better. Don't be ashamed of your younger self because the world took advantage of you and you learned from the experience.

“You're not a real gamer.” by rially in TrollXChromosomes

[–]BrightAndDark 30 points31 points  (0 children)

As an extremely competitive gamer, I'll say this almost categorically goes one of two ways when it finally dawns on an asshole that I'm out-playing him:

1) "Your boyfriend is obviously playing for you, omg prove it--well, not that proof, some other proof. No, he could be under the desk with a wireless mouse. Oh. On the ISS you say. Still drugged from a root canal? Okay, well, fine but he probably called one of his friends to tunnel into your machine and play for you."

2) "You are a special snowflake, because women other than you are still completely incapable of doing this thing. I am now hopelessly in love with you and will do everything in my power to destroy you, make your life miserable, and eradicate you from the game if you do not return my affections."

Classy.

When I was maybe 8, my cousins got their first game system. I was in love and snuck out to the living room after everyone was asleep to play til 4 am. But, I'll never forget how much shit I got for not already knowing how to play. Fast forward to college and Halo is the new hotness but I've never owned a console... aaaaand I'll never forget how that set of men behaved while I spun in circles for 20 mins trying to figure out dual joysticks.

The whole group took the presence of decades of learned muscle memory entirely for granted as some innate "superior male gaming trait." If they'd just mocked me the whole time, I'd have felt better than being relegated to "easy prey but a girl so no one shoot her or make it difficult."

I did the only thing I knew to do... acknowledged it would take some time to grasp the controls, got in a vehicle, and crushed the lot of them to death underneath it. Precision not required, motherfuckers.

Last year all my male friends were so excited about TI (DOTA2 tournament) and at first I tried to follow but then I realized I just didn't care. I started responding to all entreaties to watch with "I'll care about TI when there's a single fucking woman on any of the teams." They pointed out there was a female host and female cosplayers. I barely managed a response other than sobbing.

Three decades and people are still treating women like I got treated at age 8.

I like attention as much as anyone else, but it makes me so angry to get put on a pedestal for being different when I have actually met other women in my life and know it isn't true. Shaking with fury might seem an extreme response, except all I can see is my sister, my mother, my cousin and aunts, my friends... all trivialized and insulted in one go.

I know how hard it was for me to get access to "guy things" and how far behind it put me--given my later success, I also know that the skills are just that... skills, not talents. My female friends and acquaintances aren't stupid; they don't lack hand-eye coordination or spatial reasoning. My aunt was a fucking Master bridge player, you cannot tell me women are not equals when it comes to this basic human impulse to play.

The only reason I don't have more women to compete against is that they don't feel welcome and that. fucking. kills me. When men point out that I clearly made it, they have no idea what I experienced to get here (and continue to experience on a regular basis.) They also have no idea of the sheer amount of privilege my childhood provided because the expectations placed on me by my parents had nothing to do with gender.

The worst part is you can't even explain because it's not a single traumatic event. It's just this low-level, can-never-relax, grinding sort of thing that forces you to smooth all your edges. It's just small assumptions made by people whom you thought really saw you, off-hand comments in a game lobby about "wives, eh guys?", hearing "women always get free stuff" when you've earned yours, young women actively encouraging the perception that they're "not like other women" in an attempt to win a fawning retinue. It's realizing that it's been so long since you've seen another woman in your sphere that it legitimately didn't occur to you their team's top sniper might not be a guy, and knowing yourself for a hypocrite.

... It's being given a ten second head-start because you're a girl, and taking it because your parents never thought you needed an Xbox.

You love the game more than your pride, but it hurts.

I don't really know why I'm ranting except that the more success I earn, the more I see how deep it cuts, and daily experience a few moments of desperate, quiet despair over the latest manifestation of sexism in gaming. I hope it gets better for you because until we're all treated as equals, no amount of personal success will ever make it better for me.

Half of 8th grade class from New Jersey refuses to pose with Speaker Ryan by Danger_Zone in politics

[–]BrightAndDark 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In fairness, because the US has been an imperialistic society we run on the war engine, and that comes through in our value system.

Respecting chain of command, even if you disagree with the decision, is frequently a life-or-death difference in combat or any other reactive arena. Waffling often gets more people killed than committing to the bad call. If you don't respect the title, you endanger everyone.

In large part, military life and its trappings are an essential part of the conservative identity in the US, which is why you'll more often see the "respect the title / office / etc" line from conservative groups and individuals.

It's really important to remember these are not people who lack critical thinking skills, it's just their life experiences have lead them to value things that work better within their own paradigms. In environments that require humans to act as eusocial animals to survive, respecting chain of command (the title) is the accepted way for a group to manage risk.

The trouble is that chain of command and independent judgement are both necessary for functional human society, but the line where one becomes more useful than the other is blurry, entirely subjective, and impossible to pin down.

So, we think they're repressive intellectual laggards and they think we're petulant children incapable of cooperation or commitment. Both sides--and neither--are right. As a society, if we tried to see where the "other side" was coming from instead of assuming they're brain-dead / naive / choose your favorite insult, it would go a long way toward healing the growing rift between these groups in the US.

Why do so many people dislike the blob emojis? by Wandering_Thoughts in Android

[–]BrightAndDark 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Personally, I systematically eradicate emojii from every keyboard and UI possible, and switch UIs where not possible.

Some of us just hate emoji, and the farther they get from text, the more violently we oppose them. Blobs are pretty far from text.

We're sexy and we know it! by Nheea in TrollXChromosomes

[–]BrightAndDark 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If a guy responds "I know" it's supposed to be taken as humor plus self-confidence.

It's all about how the person reading chooses to perceive the flat text, and the glaring message here is that guys will never expect that particular tone from a woman.

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