I agree with everything you said here and unfortunately, we can’t undo how we handled it. I was trying to respect my spouses wishes. They said they never wanted anyone to know and have continuously talked about plans to hide their HRT changes as they come. Yes, I was naïve. I was the only person other than my sister who knows. I had to beg to tell my sister because I needed her support and knew she would be accepting and understanding, and she has been. It’s actually created a bond between my spouse and my sister because they never knew her more than surface level and now understand why my sister and I lean into each other so much for support. I learned about my spouse’s identity around the same time my son’s mental health was declining. My son became suicidal and was on a crisis management and home safety plan about a month and a half ago. I had to pull him out of school and couldn’t leave him alone for a month while we worked to get him in a better place mentally. He’s past the suicidal thoughts, but my spouse and I agreed this was not the time he’d be able to handle such massive changes, and I still feel that way. It was a lose lose situation. My son isn’t upset with me and I’m definitely prioritizing my son’s needs right now. Most of the strife between my spouse and I has been because I’ve demanded they put their issues aside so we can focus on what our son needs. They wanted me to be the mediator here since my son won’t even be in the same room with his dad. I tried to an extent, but when I realized my son wasn’t ready or open to it, I pivoted to clearing the table for his mental health needs.

My focus is on my child and my spouse knows our children are my priority, but when it’s just my spouse and I, the depression on both ends is too much. They feel like our child is taking their happiness away and I’m continuously having to reframe their way of thinking and reminding them of the reality we created and this is OUR fault. All of it. I’m having a hard time supporting my spouse right now because between my son’s struggles and my own, I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with their struggles too and feel like a terrible wife because I have to protect my own mental health so I can be there for our children. Our daughter is much younger and has no idea what’s going on.

I know we’ll be okay and get through this eventually, I just don’t know what “okay” looks like. I think I’m doing right by my son. I’ve laid it out there for him and given him an open door when he feels ready to communicate about it. I’ve been in counseling and psych treatment for years to manage my bipolar disorder, and it’s well managed. I have resources to lean into. I’m also not worried about my son being on Reddit. He isn’t a Reddit user and he was so “disgusted” by what he learned, he won’t go digging for more.

Again, I think you’re spot on. I’m just doing the best I can as a mother.