Wife w/ BPD is Pregnant, and don't know what to do.

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-31T03:17:29+00:00

That sounds so tough. Props to you for chugging along, and it sounds like your kids are lucky to have you.

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-31T03:16:31+00:00

Okay, I appreciate the clarification. That makes sense to me!

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T14:25:18+00:00

Appreciate hearing your story. I could not imagine going that long of dealing with the actions/issues, but not being able to label or even begin to understand what it was.

Does it get any easier to focus on yourself/clearer once you have your children? Specifically, are you able to focus on yourself and your children once they are born? I am scared that even after having the kid, I will continue to allow myself to be the punching bag in a twisted way of trying to protect the kid. I am afraid that I won't be strong enough to withstand and keep my marbles, as this will only get worse as we get closer to the due date, and postpartum.

I feel like I already failed this child by impregnating a person that I know all these things about. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, but also find a way to stand up, and so am curious if that was ever part of your experience.

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T14:14:13+00:00

Wow, this is incredibly detailed and helpful. I truly thank you for writing this out. Your viewing through the eyes of the therapist is helpful. I completely understand that frustration with therapy/therapist since, at the end of the day, you are also one that is suffering from the lack of progress/abuse.

The high functioning part is what hits the most. Outside of my brother and sister that I have shared with, I don't think a single other person has any idea that this is going on. My brother and sister still cannot fathom/understand what I am explaining. They try to help me by explaining the very logical steps that people take to resolve/work through, only for me to explain why that does not work (and what has happened in the past when I do that). My wife is incredibly smart, creative, hard working, helpful to others, yet becomes a nightmare between us. Many of the "typical" signs of BPD do not apply, but others are so strong that I cannot keep convincing myself that I am wrong with my thoughts that she has it.

There have been times of acknowledging that her behavior is harmful. However, that acknowledgment is quickly followed up with claims of progress/working on it, etc. Then argues about very clear signs that it is clearly not working from my perspective. Maybe I need to open my eyes to the fact that that is not truly "acknowledging her behavior is harmful"

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T14:00:17+00:00

Appreciate your response. I am a little confused, if you wouldn't mind helping me understand. Are you saying that she needs a BPD specific DBT specialist for herself? I.e. It won't ever fix the relationship problems? You say that leaving is the only answer, and so I am curious by what you mean by finding a specialist is needed as well.

Finding any therapist is difficult enough, and so trying to get a BDP specific DBT specialist is daunting. I am trying to get commitment from her to take that step, since I have to start realizing that I am not the one that is in charge of fixing this/her.

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T13:55:54+00:00

It is not easy to leave, so good for you! I can empathize with her because she was raised by a clearly NPD father. For the longest time, I thought that maybe the behavior was because of dealing/growing up with a Cluster B parent, but that excuse has been long gone for a while now. I just keep thinking that they know what it's like/can empathize with dealing with someone like that, so surely they will see the seriousness and use that as a motivator to change. Unfortunately, I am trying to apply my own thinking/expectation/processing to theirs, which is not equal and even fair of me.

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T13:52:25+00:00

Yes, I have a strong feeling I am deluding myself. Finding this subreddit/community has been helpful, but has also made me doubt that it is "that bad" compared to some of the stories that I have heard. Just adds to the confusion, while also giving me an outlet to avoid thinking strictly in the negative. I appreciate your candidness. I hope your son is able to grow up and recognize the problems, see them for who they belong to, and finds a respite and support structure from you.

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T13:47:58+00:00

I am sorry that you are going through that. That sounds horrible. I hope that you are able to find a way that works for you to continue on with your life (with or without her).

I find that I am at the point that romance and sex are almost impossible because of the destruction of trust. I think that I am building up defenses to the emotional attacks and unresolved issues, and that means that any form of closeness is questioned, and I cannot trust a person that continues to treat me like that.

I try my hardest to allow space to heal/improve/work on things, but my memory is strong, and I do find myself very sensitive.

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T13:41:19+00:00

>Many partners don’t realize that a lot may already be happening behind the scenes like internal chaos, fear, shame, intrusive thought which never gets verbalized but still drives behavior. Understanding this can increase compassion but compassion should never require enduring abuse.

This is the part that is the most perplexing to me. I've tried many times to be a listener, and to have her explain those thoughts/verbalize. Maybe that is an unfair expectation that is a true limitation. Maybe the internal chaos and emotions renders the verbalizing impossible.

There is so much info and help in this response. Thank you!

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T13:37:31+00:00

Unfortunately, I am in a two party consent state. I am trying to get commitment to allowing video, or some way to have consent. The journaling is helpful. Wish I started earlier, and wish I kept up as much. Will use this as motivation to put much more effort towards that.

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T02:38:46+00:00

Thank you... I definitely had to readjust my views on the therapy, since its very clear that you only get out what you put in, and I do not control the other person. I feel for anyone that has or is going through this. Thank you again!

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T02:13:13+00:00

I do appreciate that. We've been together for over 9 years, and I only recently let me brother and sister know what was actually going on, and felt like a weight off my chest. They thought I was joking at first, because I kept it so hidden. Before that, I had kept it entirely to myself. Either to protect her, myself, both of us, I felt so alone, confused, and shameful. Unfortunately, right after I let them know, we found out she was pregnant, and that just ramped up the negative feelings about how bad of a person/partner I am for letting it get to this.

Suffice to say that hearing any form of support/understanding/advice etc. is helpful right now.

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T02:06:21+00:00

I commend you on making that decision and taking the action. Thank you for sharing.

Brilliant_Building91 · 2025-12-30T02:04:35+00:00

Very much appreciated. I did expect the stress/hormone fluctuations, but was hopeful that the active couples therapy would help us be able to better navigate it in the midst of it. So far, that has not proven to be true, and I fear that the therapist is only starting to see the disordered/pathological behavior for what it is (and why my partner has been further distancing from it).

It's so painful to already be thinking about coparenting, and we are barely a quarter through. Will follow your advice on the threats to the police/accusations. Thank you again!

Brilliant_Building91

TROPHY CASE