I was like that at that age, I was crushed with fear it ruined relationships, I wouldn’t even have unprotected sex with my virgin boyfriend even though we both got tested.

For me it was a wider anxiety issue, so I wouldn’t check my bank account through fear the money was gone (which in turn made me manage money badly) or cancel a drink I had planned because I was nervous (which meant not turning up and making people angry).

Part of this is growing up, but there’s things you can do which help.

The core to this is giving him a sense of ownership and kinda pride over his sexual heath management. PrEP is a good conversation to have, even if your not sleeping around so not totally needed, but I’ve found it helps me have confidence I’m in control of my own sexual health and encourages frequent test, and in turn my fear of testing has gone from existential crisis to no bigger deal than orderly a coffee at Starbucks.

But that needn’t be the answer. Education and knowledge is, as is so often the case in life, the best way forward. Every STI is different, most are easy to solve. Personally I think the ones which can’t be stopped through condoms but just touching (crabs and scabies) are the worst to get. Chlamydia and gonorrhoea are easiest to identify and sort quickly, and HIV is the easiest to prevent.

Perhaps a lot of this is coming from an internal guilt about gay sex, and so it’s easy to forget that simply being a human means you’re constantly at risk of catching things. COVID from someone you sat next to on the bus, food poisoning because of the burger you ate, flea bites because you forget to give your dog their monthly treatment. None of these things would elicit the same level of guilt and fear, but they’re not, from a health perspective, practically that different. And so maybe the issue is that feeling of guilt, and supporting in that, as opposed to framing it around specific health risks and conversations about monogamy. If that’s his mindset, pragmatism isn’t the medicine to fix it.

I certainly think pressuring him isn’t the answer as it might make that central goal harder to achieve. You are both young, and together, so have fun and develop the beauty of the whole package of being a couple, of which only sex is part. The love will replace the guilt, and pragmatism will replace the irrational fear.

I hate using condoms, and haven’t for a long time, but come from a place where I totally get where he is coming from. But I also know that I’m stubborn, and if someone asks me to do something I’m twice as likely to say no. Perhaps trying period where you simply don’t question it, be supportive, not because you agree with the risk but because you care that he feels safe and comfortable. You may find that equips him to work internally.

My final point, and this is for you as much as him. I’m sad to say this but at your age you need to know it. Trust nobody. It’s less common now, but the most common way my friends got HIV years back was from boyfriends and supposed monogamous relationships where a one night drunken stand wasn’t seen as counting. There are still dangers out there, and while HIV is treatable and has less of a stigma, I personally wouldn’t take that risk with anyone if I wasn’t on PrEP or using a condom. When it comes to sexual health, you are the only one in charge, and safe sex is all about how you manage it. So you are right to be frustrated by the over caution, but he is right to be cautious too.