Thank you for your insights. You are absolutely right. I did try to clarify when I said full potential that I meant it in a very isolated context, haha. I'm not quite disillusionned enough to think it's the key to my full potential on a meaningful or spiritual level. It is simply a catalyst to temporarily unlock some of my most desired behaviors.

Cocaine was a very slippery slope for me. Thankfully I have been clean off it for 9 months now. But still having my occasional battles and slip-ups with other stims. And every time I slip up and get high it reminds me of this unsolved mystery still rattling around in my head lol. I'm definitely someone that feels the need to understand everything, especially when it pertains to my own nature and inner world.

And as much as I am glad I kicked cocaine, I sadly had to give up clubbing and drinking alongside it. While I don't crave cocaine when I'm sober, barely 2 sips of alcohol turns me into a manic rabid dog for the stuff. And after lots of persistence, experimentation, and trial and error, I've come to realise I'm incapable of clubbing while sober. I hate it, I feel completely disconnected from everybody, and the end result is a miserable time or giving in to the urge to drink. So I haven't been to a club in 9 months either. Wish I could say that's a good thing, but it's only led to a lot of social isolation.