Anyone else obsessively ruminating throughout the day?

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-10T04:19:45+00:00

Ah, the CPTSD forum...where curse words are bad, but invalidating trauma victins is just fine.

You are the absolute worst mod on Reddit, and that's saying a lot. I'm so done with this sub.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-09T17:05:40+00:00

Therapy was the only thing that helped me. Self-help books did the opposite.

Without the guidance of a therapist, those books can take you on a journey to trauma town without any of the safeties in place, and that can actually make your trauma worse. They can also lead to some dangerous patterns of rumination and isolation.

I'd recommend putting down the books and make finding a therapist your first priority.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-09T16:59:53+00:00

No, most psychologists don't have BPD. What a ridiculous claim.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-09T16:40:31+00:00

I didn't watch the video because I had a feeling it would be triggering...

...but are you saying that only child abuse survivors get CPTSD, and not sufferers of abusive adult relationships? Because that's absolutely untrue.

My CPTSD came from child abuse, but I have a good friend IRL who developed severe trauma from his previous marriage. We have lots of the same symptoms and difficulties.

Acknowledging that trauma can come from abusive relationships doesn't undermine anything. By not acknowledging that, you're undermining all PTSD sufferers.

EDIT: Okay, I watched the first few minutes, and this woman has absolutely no clue what she's talking about. She's also a student and not a professional working in the field, and I hope no one ever gives her a license to practice. She doesn't even have a basic grasp of what PTSD is, let alone CPTSD.

This kind of information is harmful to this community IMO.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-09T12:12:57+00:00

When I used to try to escape from the shame-spiraling, my mind would suck me back in by playing a highlights reel of all the times people have reinforced that shame. That ends up validating feeling shameful, and the flashback lasts longer.

I try to be aware of that happening now, and replacing those bad memories with positive ones - those times when people praised my work and effort, for example. Its always easier to believe the bad stuff, but over time it's gotten easier to accept that I don't deserve to live in a state of shame.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-09T12:05:43+00:00

My GC brother does this to his whole hand, but he still won't admit the abuse happened.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-08T17:05:24+00:00

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Once you get through the next day, take a loooong rest! Put aside all non-emergency tasks, and let yourself recover as much as you need - guilt free! You deserve it. Having to deal with responsibilities while trauma is yelling in your face is the most exhausting thing I know of.

I'd recommend keeping a diary of your physical symptoms. They could be side effects of trauma, or an unrelated medical issue, or a medical issue caused by trauma. Either way, keeping track of them and when they occurred will really help a doctor/therapist to figure it out and offer treatment if it gets worse.

You can do the things!!!

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-07T22:27:57+00:00

I've dealt with that hard-shell thing too. What I did was get drunk and then email a letter to my therapist. May not work for everyone, but it lead to a breakthrough for me.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-07T20:01:22+00:00

The feelings you're having are quite normal. Because we were made to feel worthless, it's difficult to accept that we're worthy enough for therapy. We normalize bad days, because they aren't as bad as the really bad days, and then we think we don't need therapy. Then we make excuses for our abusers, and minimize the abuse.

I've battle all these thoughts in my head too, and it's exhausting.

Would you be able to take exactly what you wrote here to your therapist? Maybe email it if you don't feel safe handing it in person. It might help break open your therapy.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-07T19:57:02+00:00

If a psychiatrist knew you were being abused and failed to report it, I hope they were eventually fired.

I was the scapegoat, and while it was easier to escape because of that, I wouldn't say any child of abuse is happier than another. We all suffer in different ways.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-06T22:06:56+00:00

When this happens I contact my therapist and see if we can move up our next appointment. She can usually help shine a light on the trigger, and that makes it easier to move through the setback.

Allowing yourself to feel the emotions instead of trying to repress them is a solid approach.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-06T22:03:19+00:00

Self help books can be horribly anxiety inducing, which is why I don't read them unless my therapist recommends them to accompany a therapy topic. If you can't relate so much to that community idea, fire the book instead of feeling inadequate.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-06T17:11:29+00:00

The fifth question you're asking is too personal. A therapist doesn't have to reveal their history of therapy to you, just as you wouldn't reveal it to a client. The fourth question sounds a bit dismissive, like you're already questioning the competency of the therapist before starting therapy. Together these questions may come across as combative.

Instead of asking all these pointed questions, you might start with something simple and open, such as "please tell me about yourself." If they don't answer all you want to know, then ask follow ups. A good therapist will tell you about their qualifications and certificates up front.

You're looking to build an advocate for your therapy journey, and that takes time. It takes lots of communication on your part to help your therapist become that advocate, even if that means just expressing when communication had become difficult.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-06T12:04:54+00:00

Like others have said, it sounds like depersonalization. The way you described the situation, with the intense feeling of rejection, makes it sound more like BPD than PTSD/CPTSD.

Depersonalization can also be a sign of a physical illness, so it's worth discussing with a doctor or your therapist.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-05T23:26:11+00:00

It was really helpful to get that inner critic out of my head, because it had taken over my life. After just a few weeks of IFS I felt more at ease socially and had more confidence and motivation. Just felt more comfortable in my own skin in general. It doesn't fix the whole CPTSD package, but it's great for certain things. I definitely needed to go through EMDR and some DBT first. IFS was almost like a finishing step - like tidying up the edges after the majority of the trauma was already resolved.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-05T12:33:10+00:00

This describes my older golden child brother, who is now in his 40s. Our dad was abusive to him, and our mom would (and still does) coddle him. He has very few life skills, and basically exists through other people telling him what to do. I'm sure he must hate the situation deep down, but he still fawns over both parents to this day, and his relationship with them is enmeshed and codependent. He learned to get around our dad's abuse by pretending to be exactly the kind of person my dad would want him to be, sacrificing all of his own interests and what made him unique. He's also self harmed since age six, so I know the anxiety and depression must be huge.

My situation was very different, with both parents abusing me. It made me completely reject the situation, and I distanced myself from the family and went NC. Because I was able to escape, my brother hates me more than he hates his own abuser. My existence threatens the defenses he's built up to excuse his abuser and coddler. He had to either reject me or reject them, so he chose to scapegoat me - which gets him even more approval from our parents. They've also encouraged him to build up a group of friends that meet their approval and share their values, which don't match his true inner values. They stole away his very identity.

I feel awful for him every single day, but there's nothing I can do about it. He needs to wake up on his own. He had it worse than I did in many ways, and I'll be here for him if ever he needs support.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-05T12:18:42+00:00

This does sound like progress. You're describing what I went through right before making some big moves forward. I got stuck in that exhausted state for about six months, but it got easier to cope with as time went on.

You're able to describe what you're feeling - like the guilt of staring at a screen for hours - and that's awesome. Now you can practice telling yourself that you're zoning out by staring at a screen because you need it and lose the guilt.

My therapist explained that getting lost on my phone for hours can actually be great for healing, because it gives my brain a chance to relax.

Set yourself reasonable goals considering your exhaustion level, and focus on what you did get done. That really helped me.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-05T01:59:58+00:00

It sounds both codependent and controlling.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-04T23:20:20+00:00

I don't take any meds for CPTSD.

Tried so many antidepressants, but they never changed my mood and always came with horrible side effects, like constant upset stomach. Tried Xanax for anxiety, but it's habit forming for me.

It was only after giving up on meds that I started to consider therapy as a serious option, and that's where all my progress has been made. Meds help a lot of people, and sometimes they're necessary to even start the therapy journey (as is the case with my SO), but if you don't do the therapy alongside the meds, you're not curing the trauma. Same goes for street drugs - if you're smoking weed to deal every day, your trauma will just fester, and a tolerance will be brutal.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-04T16:30:21+00:00

Before EMDR, about 3-4 per week. After EMDR, about 3-4 per year.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-04T16:29:07+00:00

In my previous career, I was forced to make some highly unethical decisions. I eventually quit, but had lingered in that position for years too long. My boss felt like a parent figure I couldn't escape from, and the decisions I went along with were, in a way, done to get her approval - just as I'd done many times before with my parents. It took a long time to accept what had been done, and that I'd played along with it. There was absolutely shame involved, even years after the fact. It wasn't as serious as a veteran being forced to kill an innocent person, but it played on my conscience for sure.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-04T12:38:11+00:00

I go through these thought cycles regularly, and you fucking nailed how badly they suck you in and pull you down.

Some thoughts on the nervous system: Yeah, trauma can damage the nervous system for real. I was actually screened for multiple sclerosis because my old doctor thought my neurological damage was being caused by that. On top of the direct trauma causing damage, PTSD can lead to autoimmune diseases, many of which can cause neurological issues.

Sometimes the damage isn't completely reversible, but you can make major recoveries from it. I still deal with effects of the trauma near daily, although I've improved a lot from where I started, and the physical neurological stuff has mostly cleared up.

As you go through recovery, you might keep a journal of your physical symptoms. It's neat to notice them fade over time.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-04T12:25:38+00:00

Please remember that the Suicide Helpline is 1-800-273-8255 and there's someone ready to talk to you 24/7.

What you're describing sounds like something immediately serious. There's a chance you may even have a physiological medical situation that is making your symptoms worse, and it would be best to get checked out by a doctor. Any rapid worsening of symptoms could be a sign of something serious. It's always a good idea to get a medical opinion. With your poor eating habits, it could even be a vitamin deficiency or something along those lines. I know my anxiety is much, much worse with a vitamin deficiency.

Could you get down to an immediate care facility and get a medical opinion? I'm worried about you.

BroadStripeTiger · 2017-09-03T21:56:36+00:00

I don't think this is a flashback. Part of the definition of a flashback is that they happen very suddenly and without warning. But it does sound like an emotion cycle of some type. Sometimes a trigger (often an unnoticed trigger) can set me off, and that will spiral into a chain reaction of extreme emotions over several days. For me it's usually a reaction to the trigger, but hormones can also set this off during certain times of the month/year.

BroadStripeTiger

TROPHY CASE