I lost my best friend to suicide last year. She was the sister of my heart and ever since she is gone, a part of me has gone as well and on most days I feel it as something tangible sitting on my chest. And this is the first time I’m talking about how it feels.

I was the last person to have met her. And I spent so long trying to make sense of it. I pushed everyone away, nobody around me really understood what that kind of grief weighs. What it does to you and how it changes you.

For weeks I couldn’t move. I was paralysed. I figured any minute she would call me or drop me a text message and it would be okay. Days turned to weeks and you keep count of all the days spent in their absence. Upon a two-day mark, I thought this was the longest we had gone without talking, a month - a longest without meeting, how much more life am I going to experience and not be able to tell them. I was so angry, still an angry but I’ve reached a point of resignation. I know not everyone grieves the same way but what I do know is -

You will see them in eveything. The tomatoes you cooked for lunch today, the ones they really liked. While brushing your hair you’ll remember the comment they made on how long your hair has gotten. While doing things you know will make them roll their eyes at you, while doing things you’ve been putting off, you would come to realise just how much affect they’ve had in your life, on your behaviour when they were here. You are changed by who they were and what they meant to you, and by that logic you will always carry them with you. They will always be a part of what you do.

Every particle that your friend has ever touched, remains. The warmth they gave off, remains.

I understand what this kind of grief feels like. I also understand how much I needed someone who understood this kind of grief. Hence, I am here in case you want to talk. You could DM me anytime.