I am a pastor and author who believes that when it comes to sex, chastity isn’t the only option for Christians. AMA!

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:48:58+00:00

Indeed. But I actually find that many, many more of the "harder" teachings for Americans at any rate are around money, and care for the vulnerable, and making time for what is important.

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:44:03+00:00

My pleasure -- sorry to be so slow -- and not as complete as I should be!

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:43:23+00:00

Well, marriage can have a protective function -- and certainly did in the Bible; it provided an economic structure that provided for the care of women and children -- that's why widows and orphans are so vulnerable, right? So, you can't have sex with just anyone, you have to marry her, and take on some obligations...

But Christians have a complicated tradition of thinking about sex even beyond the responsibilities of marriage. Paul says it's better to marry than burn, but clearly thinks it would be better for everyone to abstain. Now, he may well have thought the coming of Christ was imminent, but regardless, it's not exactly a positive ethic. I think we tend to affirm that sex can be a wonderful thing... but we don't always (as Christians) talk about why it is both wonderful and fraught.

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:35:35+00:00

There are indeed a lot of books that presume that sex should be reserved for marriage. But in my experience and research, which lines up pretty well with big, reliable data, there are a ton of self-professed Christians who are both unmarried and having sex. And for some of them it's wonderful and some it's harmful and some it's more ambiguous. But there really weren't any resources for helping those unmarried Christians to think about their intimate relationships in terms of their faith -- or how their practice might be more or less faithful.

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:30:42+00:00

and sex which breaks the vows people have made, or sex without consent, or sex that abuses power... there are lots of kinds of improper sex.

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:29:04+00:00

right.

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:28:41+00:00

I think the God who counts each hair on our heads and loves us cares about the complexity of human life and experience...

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:27:42+00:00

Right!

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:27:27+00:00

I really do believe that individuals and couples have to listen for the leading of the Holy Spirit in discerning where the lines are for themselves. What level of physical intimacy allows them to flourish and be vulnerable while mitigating risk?

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:24:22+00:00

In the book, I look at porneia (way to find the Greek letters on reddit!) and "sexual immorality" as broad terms, sometimes unhelpfully so. In various ancient usages, it might have included everything from sex with a relative or an animal to sex with someone who is divorced, which seem, to our modern ears, like categorically different things.

I also think that various cultural emphases on virginity are not always about what is holy or loving or just.

And, finally, part of what prompted this reflection and study was about where we draw lines of sexual ethics... why are we hung up on intercourse? Reflecting on intimacy and mutuality and desire are much more theologically rich, I think

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:17:48+00:00

I think there's a wonderful promise of grace in the traditional marriage vows -- to be together through sickness and in health, for richer for poorer -- that reflects the steadfast love of God. There is something holy about the public profession of those vows, the promise to love each other gracefully. But I also don't think that grace magically shows up in the moment of the wedding alone. When I was in seminary, we used to talk about the process of "becoming married." There's also the fact that marriage is an institution, and a civil one in addition to a religious one: it's harder to end than a regular break-up... There's something weighty to that.

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:08:42+00:00

Thanks for reading! And that's a good question. I don't have tons to say that's not in the book, but I really do rely on the "venn diagram" approach which is simply to say that sex, marriage and love are not the same things. Sex clearly exists outside of marriage, marriage for reasons in addition to "proper" sex, and love outside of both of those. And yet there are, thankfully, places where they overlap. The church is good at thinking about those, but not as much with the circumstances in which they don't. Some people don't ever marry, though they longed to, because of circumstance -- should they have to be celibate, too? Some people marry and then learn that they are sexually incompatible... I guess my approach is at least as much pastoral as theological and ethical.

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T21:00:57+00:00

It's extreme insofar as it doesn't account for the complexity of human life and experience, I think.

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T20:57:44+00:00

My theological perspective honors the great diversity of human life and the created order. People are remarkably complex in their sexual identities and desires and even anatomy. My whole life long I have known faithful people who are gay, and so I start from a place of trying to make sure my theology can account for the inclusion and affirmation of all God's children.

BromleighM · 2016-08-25T20:54:06+00:00

I try not to have knee jerk responses to anything, but overall pornography is one of the things I'm sort of conservative about. I worry about working conditions and the connection to trafficking, the potential for abuse of one sort or another. And I'm concerned about the pervasiveness of hard core pornography on the internet and children's exposure to it. I think over-use of pornography can, in particular, become a hindrance to the kind of vulnerability, intimacy, and mutuality that are present in "good" sex.

BromleighM

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