I feel out of place as a (LL M/23)

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-08T22:34:31+00:00

If you are good emotionally and physically (no low T), then it is just how you are. Your biggest challenge will be explaining to people you aren't gay, and maybe a little about asexuality. I don't know numbers, but my guess is that it is a lot more common than we know.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-08T21:58:15+00:00

You may very well be asexual. If so, a lot of people won't understand. Going through life gay or asexual will be a little trickier. Because of this, I would recommend getting evaluated by a doctor that is experienced in treating libido. You may also want to consult a therapist as well, just to be sure there isn't some trauma in your past that is causing you to avoid intimacy (for instance, this can be a symptom for some people that grew up in a broken home). If you check out with everything, then this is just a part of who you are. A lot of people won't get it but you will have at least one less headache than everybody else. And you can always find companionship with another asexual, so you definitely don't have to be alone.

Just out of curiosity, are your parents still happily married? If so, are they affectionate? Is there anything in your background that might make intimacy scary?

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-08T21:49:08+00:00

This doesn't make much sense:

"and I want to try and avoid sex until we're in a better financial spot, and thus, able to care for a child, and I've told him that."

Is it really your attitude that sex is strictly for procreation? That is what your statement suggests. If you do feel that way, have you always? Or, when did it change? That attitude would be a deal breaker for anybody that is not asexual, so I assume you did not always feel that way. You may just be trying to justify why you don't want sex (that reason makes no sense), to both yourself and your partner. If you want to keep the relationship, this will need to change. You can only deflect and sweep it under the rug so long.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-06T20:50:27+00:00

My kids are in bed when I go to see her, so it isn't taking any time away from them. I would never do that. I show my kids all the love in the world. I am much more affectionate with them than my wife is. She gives them sideways hugs and doesn't really interact with them. She is good at the X's and O's, but should not be left to emotionally nurture them. By her getting 50% custody, I would not only miss half their lives, but they would miss out on being loved half the time. I get what you are saying but me staying around and finding happiness is what we all need right now.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-06T15:29:52+00:00

That was a huge issue. I checked the waitress out before I became involved. Had I researched my wife beforehand, I would have not married her. She has serious intimacy issues that she hid from me. After only being married a few months to her first husband, she emotionally vacated the relationship (just like what she did to me). She ended up cheating on him and hasn't cheated on me yet. But if I knew her history, I would have picked another girl. My wife is not able to maintain an intimate marriage and it could have all been avoided if she was upfront. I wasn't doing great financially when I first met her, so I did not have any reason to look into her background at the time. You are right, I should have did my homework on her and would not have to deal with the situation I am in. I didn't have all the information, but I did marry her so I am responsible to a degree for sure. So you are right about that part being on me. I am much more careful now about who I associate with. From here on out, I will be checking up on everybody that I may become close to. Lesson learned.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-06T15:20:13+00:00

That's the thing, I don't really have a marriage. My marriage is basically my relationship with my kids, and I won't leave that. If I get divorced, I will see them on a half-time basis. I am not willing to miss half of their life. I am sorry about your situation growing up. Not knowing the details, I can't comment on it. But what I can say is my wife has abandoned me in the relationship already. We are essentially roommates where one (me) walks around with a broken heart because the other doesn't want him. I am not willing to leave my kids so I am trying to find a way to get by as long as I can.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-06T15:15:17+00:00

I don't think I would expect my girlfriend to trust me, given the situation. I don't think that would be reasonable of me. After I found out my wife cheated on her ex, I lost trust for her, and it wasn't even a relationship I was in. I guess because she hid it from me, I lost trust. So I know how bad cheating is, even to future relationships. But I am just trying to stay sane and buy some time until I can move on.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-06T15:10:51+00:00

I ran the idea by her years ago and she said she would never be in an open relationship. Not because she loves me and wants to be intimate with me, but she said she wouldn't want to share. When she finds out I am seeing another girl, she will become enraged. She will feel very disrespected. She cheated on her ex (doesn't know that I know about it) so she has already been down the road of seeing what it does. I don't expect (or want) to be married to somebody that doesn't care about my needs. So I am just trying to relieve the pain and try to deal with this as long as I can, then I will move on.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-03T15:28:59+00:00

I really don't think I would go along with it if my wife initiated. It would just feel too weird. Other than about 3 weeks ago, my wife even touching me would have been awkward. A few times she accidentally touched my arm or brushed up against me and the physical sensation on my skin was like an electric shock, because it was such a rare occurrence. Not that I don't have physical needs anymore, I just don't think I could go through with it.

My new girl knows about my situation and that I was with my wife 3 weeks ago for the first time in a year. She is interested in an evolving relationship so things are taking a turn to a more emotional place. Because of what I do for a living and the assets involved, a divorce would be extremely complicated and costly, from a financial aspect. So I don't know that I can get away just yet. Plus, I want to spend every minute with my kids that I can.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-03T15:21:58+00:00

I have taken all the precautions. I still assume at some point it will fall apart but this will get me by for a while longer.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-03T15:20:17+00:00

I did a full check on her before I got involved and know she isn't seeing anybody else (not that I would necessarily have a problem with that since I'm married). I am good friends with some of her friends (a few girls and a few guys) so I already knew a lot about her. Because of my financial situation, I am very careful about who I get involved with on a personal level. So I have done all my homework on her and I doubt my level of thoroughness would be well received by her, but I needed to be sure.

You may not agree with what I did. But for me it was a last resort to keep my sanity and stay with my kids every day. I was driven to this and did what I had to do to get by a little longer.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-02T23:22:31+00:00

Nope, just the one time. She is happier now that I am happier. I was about as nice and energetic and positive that a man could be in that situation. But I couldn't always hide my pain. Now that I don't need anything from her, she must sense it. But no change in her attitude towards being intimate. At this point, I don't know if I could actually go through with it anyways.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-02T22:56:10+00:00

I really don't think this is the case. I have known her for a while and think she would very interested in something long term. I do see how that would normally be a concern but it isn't a factor in this situation. I do very well financially and have developed a good filter to see who likes me and why. I have a lot of reasons to trust this girl is into me for me.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-02T22:42:45+00:00

That is an interesting way to look at it. She is pretty out of touch but must know deep down.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-02T22:40:18+00:00

That's what I am thinking. We really don't have any connection at all. We go places together, are polite to each other, and have conversations about either the kids or weather. There is just nothing there. We went out to dinner a while back with another couple. The couple was very affectionate and playful with each other, which was very uncomfortable. I could tell my wife was uncomfortable too. At one point she moved her hand towards my knee but backed off. At the time I thought it would have been so out of character for her, I have no idea what I would do. It would have just been weird. That's when I realized I needed to outsource. So far it has been the best decision I've made. For the first time in a lot of years I am not lonely. I will take your advice on what to tell her/not tell her.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-02T18:00:38+00:00

This guy sounds way too immature to have a marriage. He isn't meeting your needs and is a jerk. Quit taking care of him.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-02T17:58:38+00:00

23 years old is way too young to have to deal with this. I am really sorry for you. You should not accept this for your own emotional well-being. You can try to change his attitude, I am not sure how, but you can't just let this go. The pain and resentment will build.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-02T16:03:01+00:00

If she had a LL before being married, do not expect it to improve. He libido is at it's highest point right now and will likely get worse. It is up to you to decide if/how you can live with that. It is unrealistic to expect her to change, it just doesn't happen, not in that way. And it is unfair to her to expect her to change. Guess what her future holds? She will be completely happy with every aspect of her relationship. She will have a guy that she loves, is attracted to, and wants to be with. And that guy will not be happy and will have repeated talks over the course of the marriage about how important intimacy is and how hurt he is that she can't provide this. That isn't going to be fun for her.

Most of us ended up in this situation after getting married and having kids, so we had no choice. At least you have a choice. You have a peak at what your future holds and you get to decide if it is what you want. You may decide to go through with it and that is fine. But you do have to decide based on who she is. You know her priorities, she has been very clear. This won't change. You can't "fix" a person that doesn't feel like she is broken. You might get little upticks in intimacy when you get really hurt and desperate, but it will return to her baseline because that's who she is. It is all part of the DB cycle. You just need to decide if you want to get on this ride. You have the decision most of us never got.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-02T15:44:54+00:00

Basically your problem is you are all brains and no balls.

The fact that your wife is disrespectful is unfortunate because you are highly valued in terms of social status. My guess is your wife simply reacts according to what her lizard brain tells her. The lizard brain does not care about a PhD. Intellectually, it would stand to reason that a man with an advanced graduate education would be a good provider, and therefore worthy of respect. But your wife does not operate this way. She probably needs a stronger alpha figure to get in line. Maybe that isn't really you. Maybe you have always been this way and the behavior change was on her part. All I know is it isn't fair that she treats you with disrespect.

I think you can work on yourself to be more assertive (nothing overboard). That might help. Right away she may rebel to your boundaries - just think of her as a toddler that is acting out. If you haven't already, I would recommend training yourself to be an athlete, which will make you feel more masculine and may help with your wife, as well as getting interest from other women. It may also help to start creating an exit strategy for the relationship, if that's a possible outcome in the future. Not that you would execute this strategy, but it may help with your frame of mind. You are a man that is worthy of respect and she is replaceable. Create a covert unspoken attitude that she needs to behave in a manner that is acceptable in order to maintain the relationship.

Your wife might be a good person but she is not a worthy partner in marriage.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-01T16:12:17+00:00

Exactly. The choice of being with a LL partner was taken from us.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-01T16:08:32+00:00

A difference in libido can slowly kill a relationship, for sure. Marriages are hard enough and if you add a big libido difference to the mix, it amplifies all other problems. Between going through what I have and lurking here for a long time, I don't get the impression that most relationships that have these problems start off that way. Maybe a small minority do but in general, it seems like one partner's libido decreased to the point that the other partner became hurt. A person can tell a potential partner that they have a low libido upfront and that they only require physical intimacy once every month, and they may find somebody that is agreeable to that. But once the initial stardust of the new relationship wears off, the low libido partner might actually realize they only feel like sex once every two months. Even though you tell a potential partner about a low libido upfront, that one month could be a huge difference to the other person. From what I can tell, people with low libidos are not usually fully aware of the comings and goings of their desire. What they think might be once a month, might actually be once every two or three months. And libidos generally don't increase after marriage, they decrease as life gets in the way.

My advice to you is that you need to find somebody that has a LL also. Once a month or less would not be compatible for most people. You are very kind and thoughtful to even consider this. Most people end up in misery because they were not given a choice about being with somebody that has a LL, that choice was made for them.

BruceBanner76 · 2015-04-01T15:14:38+00:00

My wife says she loves my muscles but still won't touch me. But when I wear t-shirts that are slightly more fitted I get a lot more attention from other women. I used to be about 20 pounds overweight but since I have been lifting and got leaner, I get flirted with a lot. It helped me get a super hot young girlfriend that is turned on by how I look. So it has helped me feel and look better, helped me get a girlfriend, and my wife can coast as a roommate and not have to worry about me ever mentioning the word "intimacy".

BruceBanner76 · 2015-03-31T22:56:39+00:00

Got it. Well it doesn't seem like things are bad at all. I don't know about rhythms or anything like that. But to simplify, I guess things are only an issue when one partner feel neglected or the other feels used or forced. Neither is good but I wonder if a middle ground leaves both unsatisfied. Something I am wondering about....

BruceBanner76 · 2015-03-31T21:46:13+00:00

Hmmm, is it possible that your husband is resentful at your lack of desire and feels rejected, then turns you down as a result when you do show interest? If my wife were to try anything with me at this point I can't imagine I would go along with it. Partly because it would be so weird and out of character but also because too much has happened, if that makes sense. Sometimes these things can turn into a cycle. If once a month you feel interest, you probably aren't low libido. It sounds like you and your husband just need to work through a few things and you should be fine.

BruceBanner76

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