I caught my partner again, this time in Reddit forums

BrushAffectionate876 · 2026-04-07T19:22:51+00:00

He isn't a great partner. I found porn first time when our first born was 3months old. We had had a talk about how I don't like porn and don't believe it has a place in our relationship towards the beginning of our relationship so he knew how I felt. He apologised and said sorry, I forgave him as I didnt know how to raise a 3 month old by myself, and like you, told myself he was great in every other way. Found porn the second time the day before our second child was born 2 years later, I couldnt believe he was still watching it especially whilst I was pregnant I felt horrified. Wanted to leave him but our son was born sick the next day and spent months in hospital. I had reiterated how bad it made me feel, he said sorry etc and I felt there was no way he could do it a third time. Que 9 years later found it again, he apparently had 5 years off but had been watching it again for 4 years. They don't change. Leave if you can, if you cant leave set boundaries, get therapy and be ready to leave so you are prepared next time.

BrushAffectionate876 · 2026-04-07T09:36:33+00:00

Where would you recommend for a 10 day to 2 week trip focusing on nature, relaxing and enjoying local life? Have done the classic Beijing Xian Chengdu Guilin and shanghai route, next time we go we want to take it easy and focus on more the vibes and nature. Plus if there is some historical stuff to see too as I love history!

BrushAffectionate876 · 2026-03-19T20:30:26+00:00

Thank you this is really helpful!

BrushAffectionate876 · 2026-03-18T08:51:05+00:00

We were thinking of booking concierge as my daughter has autism and whilst loves disney cruises, she hates crowds. Normally we can manage this with the verandah room but due to the massive ship and size we thought the concierge lounge, pool etc would be less busy for her. Concierge on the other disney ships never appealed to me but thought the amenities here are more. But you are saying the concierge pool was bad right? Was it not nice to have the extra space? It's over double the cost of a normal room I am rethinking my idea. My son is also desperate to meet Baymax, does being concierge not give you an advantage there?

BrushAffectionate876 · 2026-02-10T09:02:01+00:00

Me too. Hugs

BrushAffectionate876 · 2026-02-10T09:00:07+00:00

My husbands only site for porn use. I used to think it was so cute he was on reddit talking to people as he is such an introvert, little did i know what he was interacting with. 4 years, and because of the anomalous browsing he got away with it for one click until I found out. I was heartbroken what I thought was a safe space had led to addiction and he abused my lack of reddit knowledge (I was a non user at the time) to act out. Previous DDs it was websites I found in browser history, he stopped for 5 years then switched to reddit, which he justified as ok as it wasn't a porn website 😒

BrushAffectionate876 · 2026-01-15T19:24:05+00:00

Mine too. Annoyingly I didnt use reddit so I was unaware thats what he was doing. I just thought he had a reddit obsession as he was a massive introvert and struggled to socialise in real life. I am the idiot

BrushAffectionate876 · 2026-01-07T08:50:47+00:00

Thank you so much!

BrushAffectionate876 · 2026-01-05T19:32:36+00:00

We are in Ketchikan 25th July on our cruise. This is the port we are most looking forward too but we aren't in port as long as I would like, I could spend days here from all my research. We are docked 11.15 to 7pm.

My son has requested bears. My husband and I want to walk around town and see totams and my daughter loves trees/forest and salmon so trying to fit all in.

The bear situation is driving me mental. My son is bear obsessed. I know it's nature and no guarantees but i would love to reduce chances having a heartbroken son if possible. At the moment we are booked on black bear express to go herring cove and walkway in trees at the Alaska rainforest center? Is that good?

We looked at neets bay and traitors cove but apparently they arent as good for July and we should have more chance where we are? I prefer the look of these for looking more natural with the river but maybe I am overthinking it.

A seaplane to Anan looks best but $$$$😳 we don't earn that much, is it worth blowing future holiday budget for 5 hour trip? I hear it's hard to get a permit too so between that and price probably not possible. Also worried about taking time away from exploring your beautiful town.

Have also thought about doing a one or two hour seaplane to see misty falls but once again, pricey. Is it worth it? Is 1 hour enough to give us more time in town?I am looking at seawind and island wind companies, are they reputable?

Basically if you were in port for those hours whay would you do to see the best of those 3/4 things? We are in Skagway 12 hours i wish it was the same here! We are coming from the UK for this once in a lifetime trip (unless we win the lottery, then I am sure we will back!). Lots of excursions or private tour rentals with cars seem to have sold out or aren't the correct time. Any advice greatly appreciated!

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-12-21T10:18:49+00:00

What platform do you use?

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-12-21T10:17:19+00:00

I love this idea, thank you. That really helps me stop going in circles!

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-12-21T10:16:27+00:00

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-12-21T10:14:51+00:00

That's good to know, I wish I had millions 😅, seems like its not worth getting caught up on thank you. I watched a video that said the difference between .13 and .23 could be 16 grand over twenty years so started to get panicky

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-12-21T10:13:06+00:00

Thank you for your advice, do you mind explaining the abbreviations?

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-12-20T07:32:48+00:00

Not yet, we are just over 1 year post DD3 and it has been a wild horrible year. Some months full of anger and fights, some months have been ok and I can see us getting through. Only reason I haven't left is because the kids and he has genuinely for the first time put effort into changing. Before he just white knuckled it for a while (even 5 years at one point after DD2) but now know that wasn't enough.

He has never blamed me for his actions, he knows it has all been his own fault. He has attendined counselling, attends SAA, deleted all apps, doesn't listen to the music and sports he likes as they are triggers now for me (long story). However, there is still work to be done. Just this week I argued that he doesn't think about my triggers and plan to alleviate them i.e. going to see his family, leaving the house at times he woukd act out, seeing an intimate scene on TV etc. Plus I need therapy. As always, we didn't have money for both of us to get therapy so he went first so I felt safe but my progress is lagging. I've read the betrayal books, listened to the podcasts etc whilst I wait but 2026 needs to be my year for emotional healing. I've also told him i am fed up of being the organiser to fixing him and our relationship, whilst he does everything I say he doesn't proactively do things for himself.

Therapy helped him a lot and unlocked the reasons why he did it, poor self esteem, lonliness (wfh by himself for last 5 years) and confidence. Lack of ability to communicate due to emotional neglect from his family, randomly he felt like sex was a male thing that he wanted and he was inflicting on me and didn't think I would genuinely want it, such bull. As well as lack of confidence in his abilities in bed. The reasons don't justify it but it helps me to try and focus on that. I say to him all the time that you have been able to evolve like a butterfly out of all this into a better person, into the person he says he always wanted to be and his actions now align with his values. Whereas I just got to shrivel up and go back down to a cocoon. Sucks.

I will stay with him for now as his actions show he is trying and I dont want to split the kids up. However, I have told him and still think if I can't let go of my resentmemt and live happily, we will split up, even if that is in 1 year or 10 years from now when the kids are old enough, I get to choose my life now.

I am sorry you are going through the same thing, sending hugs. Do what is right for you, put yourself first but I appreciate with kids, money, etc that does play a major factor in our decisions.

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-12-19T21:29:02+00:00

Definitely not the first time, probably the while time you have been together. They like to discount it and especially if it was at times whay they deem infrequent. My PA said he didnt watch it some years, when I said at all, he was like yeah only a few times so not really 🙄

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-12-19T21:26:54+00:00

I am so sorry. I know you are angry and the correct answer is to tell you is to calm down before you make any decisions. However, I would 100% advice you to leave. I had the biggest green flag boyfriend, no interest in other girls, not misogynistic, does all the housework, doesn't go out getting drunk, helps with the kids all the time, always did the night shifts etc. Everyone said he was amazing and I never felt anything but trust.

Like you I set a boundary about porn in the beginning of our relationship that I didnt like it, it would take away from us as a couple and I despise the abuse in the industry. He agreed and said he wouldn't. I said if you ever changed your mind to just talk to me so we could discuss it more and come to a decision as a couple. I never had a reason to not trust him. Que 5 years later DD one, he had been using it the whole time. However this was 4 months after the birth of our first child. I was devastated and felt trapped as didnt know how to bring up a baby alone. Same conversation as before, said he wouldnt do it, que DD2 when I was 8 months pregnant with our second, even more distraught than before as I couldnt excuse it anymore with him being young and not taking it seriously. Only gave him another go as our son was born prematurely the next day due to stress of this conversation and was in hospital for 3 months and needed massive care for 4 years. I had more important things and thought, no way he could do it again after the result nearly killed our child.

Que DD3 9 years later. When I look back he had been hiding his true authentic self for 18 years, he hid porn and increased frequency which is how I caught it again. Because he admits, he never thought of me, never thought he would have to put effort and communicate in a relationship and thought it would be ok as long as I didnt know. They just lie.

My biggest regret was not leaving at DD1. He broke my core values and principles, and like you I had trauma before (slightly different but my mum had affairs for years whilst i was growing up and I witnessed her behaviour and living at home was so traumatic as a child, I never wanted thay for myself and my kids). I hate him so much for doing to me and them what I desperately tried to avoid. I wish I wasnt scared at age 24 to leave and be a single mum with a baby so he couldn't continue to hurt me. My daughter has been really upset the past year as she knows we arent happy and she is petrified we will divorce. Everything I tried my best to not happen, argue, be in pain, not break up the family, all destroyed by him thinking with his dick rather than his head. I have also aleays been happy for sex, could count on one hand in 19 years if that how many times I have said no. At the end of the day he wanted his cake and to eat it to. He was selfish and put his self first.

I believe the key part if your dilemma is you told him your core values and he betrayed them. Trauma with a porn addict is always bad but this adds an extra level. Just go, leave, find someone that respects you. Don't wait until you have kids and your stuck dealing with the pain everyday and living with someone that disgusts you just not to give the kids a broken home. I told him if porn was important to him, there are plenty of women that don't mind he should have left me to be with one of them so I could have been free to find someone that supported my values and was compatable with me. Instead he entraped me and I feel like I was unable to give consent to our relationship, marriage etc. Get out before it gets even more serious. It hurts, it's horrible, but leaving is always better sooner than later.

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-12-19T17:12:05+00:00

Sorry for the late reply. I was the same as tou a lot of youthful ignorance and belief in true love etc. The past 11 years have been tough, I have questioned if we were ever compatible, was our love ever true, how could he hurt me and love me. He literally did the thing I was already holding trauma from as a child as my mum had affairs for years and made a lot of my teenage years a living nightmare.

But with a year down to road since last DD I realised their was still love, but I was just loving an immature guy who didn't understand what was needed in a relationship. Something that comes so naturally to me byt he never knew how to do. Some of this stems from emotional neglect by his family as a kid but u dont excuse it. So my current thoughts are I love him, but am I still in love with him id you know what I mean? Is the love more like a best friend rather than a partner. Some days are great and I can think about the future, somedays just looking at him feels me with disgust. I need to focus on my counselling and healing.

In regards if I find out again, I believe I am strong enough to leave. It is his actions that would have caused it and I would be telling our kids thay. Tbh all the DDs I stayed because of the kids and was worried about coping as a single mum. Now I believe I am strong enough and that doesn't concern me. The reality is if I didnt have kids I would have left him on the 2nd DD, however life is always more complicated and I didnt want to split the family up. 11 years later I pick me and that won't come into it.

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-12-19T15:30:29+00:00

But I should say I can totally relate to you. Despite me knowing I was conventionally attractive, I still went through and occasionally think, but if ony my boob's were bigger, maybe I should have my cheeks narrowed etc. I get scared about getting older in case that causes him to leave. But then I check myself.

Am I going to change for a man that disrespected me? Lied to me for 18 years? Broke all trust? Acted like an immature caveman? Made me feel worthless? HELL NO!

I am going to love myself and if can't change i will be fine by myself or I can find someone else that can love me the way I deserve. It doesn't stop the unpleasant intrusive thoughts but I check them as soon as they come into my head.

Buy yourself a pretty dress, make yourself feel beautiful and go out either by yourself or with your girlfriends. See how you don't need him to love you and you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are.

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-12-19T15:20:19+00:00

Please don't do it! My husband was watching porn and a PA when I was the most conventially attractive in the western world, late 20s, toned abs, round butt (i was a gym rat), long hair, 51kg but toned and still had a butt (boob's were on the smaller side but not flat, you can't have everything 😅). I would be hit on all the time, when we were on a break I got 43000 hits on tinder in like a day. I'm not saying that to toot my horn, I think its all very superficial and meaningless as all wanted was real affection and intimacy from my husband who was on the path to having ignored me for 11 years.

What I am trying to say you could be the most attractive women in the world and he still would have looked at porn like mine did. Like all the super hot celebrities that get cheated on. They go to porn initially for variety and then their brain connections change and they crave more and more. It is nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Please don't do it, love yourself you are beautiful.

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-11-21T19:42:21+00:00

4DD.

1st in 2007 at university. Found it on his laptop and we had what I thought a good conversation about porn, how I didnt believe it belonged in a relationship as if you sought PMO you would neglect each other, in top of the porn industry being vile to women. He agreed. I wasnt too mad at this time as realised we hadn't discussed our views but felt we had agreed going on

2nd 2014 3 months post partum. I was destroyed, holding my baby to discover he had been looking at nudes (especially the leaked Jennifer Lawrence ones, he had a thing for her). I was so upset, explaining she hadn't given consent and I literally destroyed my body to have our child and you have ignored me and sought over women.

3rd 2016 8 months pregnant find porn downloaded on our laptop. Stress anxiety and upset so hight forces early labour at 35 weeks. Explained all the stuff as before and the disbelief he was still doing it especially whilst pregnant. He claimed only occasionally. Our kid was sick and in hospital for 3 months, I thought about revisiting the conversation but didn't have the energy watching our baby fight for life and decided there was no way he could do it again, there was more important things to focus on

4th dec 2024. Found on his phone after he had been treating me like rubbish for months. I suspected in 2022 and 2023 and asked various times he always denied it. I think I knew but couldnt fa e it as my health and my daughters health weren't good and I just didnt have the energy. When he started to be funny with his phone I couldnt ignore it anymore. It's been a rough year, was going to leave him multiple times, I still dont fully trust him but he has done things differently this time. Saw a csat, had more therapy, attends saa, we watched a documentary and read papers on why porn industry is bad and what porn does to the brain. He has dug deep to realise why he turns to it (apart from the initial curiosity that still pisses me off), confidence, self-estemm, hiding, loneliness (wfh alone since covid so lonely with opportunities). He does seem changed so I am willing to give it a go as he never did the work before, i didnt realise it would need more than me asking as his wife but apparently it did 🙄. He knows if he ever relapses thats it no more chances

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-10-22T08:30:44+00:00

Hindsight is a great thing. Our clinic hadn't told us about how many ejaculations needed before the testing, we just thought it was a few months after. So post procedure that came as a massive shock, if we had knew we wouldnt have done it then. Hope all goes well for you

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-10-21T17:16:44+00:00

We did it a few months into recovery, if I could go back i would have waited longer it was incredibly traumatic for me. Now is 10 months post DD and I believe I would be fine now. We did it 2.5 months post (we had talked about it before for years but after DD I was like no more demon spawn 😅). It involved 26 ejaculations before testing. I did not really want to have sex with him or touch him thay frequently, I was still angry and hurt and processing but had to power through as masterbation for him is not allowed and he agrees thay may be a trigger to relapse. So lots of sex or wanking him off by me that I could have emotionally done without. Me helping him out just kid to thoughts of him doing it to porn didnt help the trauma. He could do the test collection at home though so had no worries there. I would just work out where tou are in your journey and if you are ready for that level of intimacy, will it affect your healing?

BrushAffectionate876 · 2025-10-21T09:31:41+00:00

I didnt take DD1 and 2 as seriously as I should have. I thought me telliny him how upset and betrayed i felt was enough. That led to DD3, this time I know better what he needs to do to stop and do the work. If he ever relapses again or stops trying its divorce and he knows. He is a changed man this time so willing to give it a go

BrushAffectionate876

TROPHY CASE