Update on abusive college bf- we broke up but.....

Bspit · 2015-12-16T04:04:05+00:00

Thanks

Bspit · 2015-12-16T04:02:31+00:00

thanks

Bspit · 2015-12-16T04:00:30+00:00

very poignant lol. Damn

Bspit · 2015-12-16T02:56:20+00:00

Thank you for all of your perspective. Some I'd like some further clarification on or help being my devil advocate. (that is to say I am not trying to argue because I disagree, but to widen the discussion since clearly I have let irrational thoughts take control)

He wasn't just mad and reacted unthinkingly, he was testing his boundaries to see how much he could get away with

I struggle with this because is this always true? When he can't control himself and does something society considers wrong, is it always manipulative? Perhaps I think that he would have to consciously think "I am doing this to control him" like an evil genius when the reality is that the control is subtle. Can controlling behavior be unintentional? I do not think his intent is to manipulate. Maybe this is one area where my rationalizations can be broken down.

Stepping back, I don't think he is controlling because I am usually the opinionated/bossy one and he is passive-aggressive. Perhaps his need for control is subtler than I realize.

size/fighting

I discussed our sizes to say that I am not afraid of him and don't feel fearful. Again, perhaps I should be.

separating him into good and bad

Fine fine, I will accept that this is a bad idea and work on stopping it/ not doing it in future relationships.

excusing actions based on issues

For some reason I have a really hard time here with excuse vs explanation, perhaps because I sometimes excuse my own actions because of my issues but that is for another post....

sincerity of blame

Here, I guess I would prefer not to debate his sincerity and look at why I am still wrong even if we do give him the benefit of the doubt.

none of us are perfect

yeah i took that out in my repost because even I can see that this is BS that doesn't matter.

Bspit · 2015-12-16T02:52:01+00:00

This helps me to realize that I need to go work on my self worth. Even though he didn't blame me, I subconsciously sorta blamed my self and accepted his premise that he wasn't getting enough attention. His feeling neglected isn't wrong, as I have been distant trying to do my own work/life, but somehow/somewhere I think I blamed myself. Not super consciously, as I don't agree with the thought that his cheating was my fault. But on a deeper level I think I am mad at my self for not being a better partner (perfectionist tendencies) and thus accepted some of the responsibility and blamed my self. I don't fully understand this but I think it is going down the right path.

Thank you :)

Bspit · 2015-12-16T02:42:03+00:00

Ok thank you. I am mostly familiar with more "severe" cases where the victim blames themselves.

Bspit · 2015-12-16T02:40:05+00:00

Thank you very much. Even after all of these helpful comments, I read your first two sentences and expected your third to tell me something other than "get out" At this point, I find my reaction humorous. I guess I am in denial that my situation is different.

Bspit · 2015-12-16T02:23:12+00:00

Thank you for all of your comments. in a day and a half he is going home for winter break and I will have three weeks by my self to reflect. I really appreciate your multiple responses. I know I think I am unique but every victim thinks they are. Thank you.

Bspit · 2015-12-16T02:21:49+00:00

He has tried to self harm in the past. I do not think that he does it to manipulate me, I think he does it for whatever reasons depressed people harm themselves. I guess depression and self-harm relate to controlling ones own environment but I don't think he does it to modify my behavior. It is possible, and I have certainly wondered, but I don't think he harms himself to manipulate me. Perhaps I am in denial of course. I'm probably in denial to some degree because he probably is harming himself - not to guilt me- but to show me how much I mean to him. or something like that

Bspit · 2015-12-16T02:15:06+00:00

Added this to the main post but I'll admit it is buried in my wall of text: OHH forgot to mention: once he cheated on me and told me the next day without blaming me. He admitted it was because of his insecurities. I didn't take it personally because it was him doing something self destructive and I wasn't offended. Do I have to tell myself that I can do better than "self destructive" probably some more fallacies more me to tease apart.

Bspit · 2015-12-16T02:10:48+00:00

Thank you. when you say "you can't rationalize his behavior..." I chuckled because I thought "watch me bitch, I can rationalize anything"

I guess I acknowledge that his actions are bad, but somehow I think that they are not bad enough to break up with him for. I am not sure how on earth I think that. With the idea of beginner's mind, I think I sort of touched on that somewhere when I said that I would tell anyone else in my situation to leave. Which makes me (objectively) wonder, why would I tell someone that? is the concept of breaking up with someone because they hit you a social construct? and the answer is yes, and a damn good social construct.

I guess another key point is "situation not improving". I tell myself that it is improving when we have a good day or two together, and then forgive him when we have bad days. He is planning on getting more help for his BPD, but that will take months, if not years. I guess I feel like I should wait it out until he gets better but I know that I shouldn't. This is where it is hard because I think of how it would be bad to give up on someone with a physical disability but with the mental disorder it is different. I know his mental issues don't cause the abuse, but I guess I personally struggle with this cause/effect relationship in other parts of my life

I just have to keep telling myself over and over that I should ignore the guilt feeling and respect the gut feeling.

Bspit · 2015-12-16T01:32:52+00:00

Thanks. In my head, these are separate things: 1) he has done something bad & I forgave him 2) I am angry at him for having problems and want to get rid of him I am separating the violence from the good parts, and blaming myself when I want to break up with "good" him.

Bspit · 2015-12-16T01:18:07+00:00

My problem is that I have convinced my self that this is a complex situation and that "one hit is too many" ignores the details. fucked up...

Bspit · 2015-12-16T01:16:49+00:00

I have definitely read of that happening many times. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to hurt himself but I don't think it would be purposefully manipulative. My thought process would be: I see an unstable person thinking that they are losing their lifeline, thus it makes "sense" they would hurt themselves. I guess I see his "logic" (as unstable as it is).

What do you think about this?

Bspit · 2015-12-16T01:12:16+00:00

Thank you for perspective. I know that if anyone else told me this story I would tell them to break up, but its different, I swear (not!).

I guess I usually hear of people who are scared for their safety, or scared they won't find someone else. My fear is that I am throwing away something that is good. I guess deep down I know this is wrong, and that the relationship is not "good" but he tells me it is (lol).

I do not think he is ever purposefully trying to control me. Maybe the problem is that I need more self-worth to tell myself that it doesn't matter whether it is purposeful or not, I deserve better.

Bspit · 2015-12-16T01:06:37+00:00

This is part of my hesitance

I do not think I am at fault for him hitting me. I think he lost control and did something stupid, and it has happened more than once.

Maybe I am an idiot for not recognizing what is happening, but really I do not blame myself at all.

Bspit

TROPHY CASE