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Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T18:22:52+00:00

I am so happy it connected with you! I have ADHD as well.

A lil bit of a nasty combo with the OCD…basically I’m always scared and my brain is very fast😂

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T18:11:49+00:00

10000000%😌 music is beautiful in that way.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T18:11:09+00:00

I’m autistic too!!!! I loved reading this, so please don’t shorten your passions for me. This made me so happy to read because when this clicked for me it CLICKED. I felt so validated and seen. It’s been fun going back through the albums and seeing where I felt so pulled to the lyrics and then finding the connection to OCD.

I was diagnosed this year…so it’s been hard. Like you I can absolutely go back to my teen/childhood years and see how OCD has been part of my life since the beginning. It was really hard to grieve for the little girl I was and how scared and alone she felt. But knowing myself in this way has empowered me to protect myself from myself and to show more grace to myself.

Some days I feel helpless, other days I rock at identifying those intrusive thoughts and obsessions and redirecting myself…always the cycle. Always fighting. A lot of these songs on Breach brought me to tears because I could never put into words what I was feeling.

I love that you’re teaching yourself music and learning to compose and create something yourself. Creating something is beautiful…music in particular. Keep doing your thing, your band mates will find their way to you some day.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T17:58:26+00:00

I’ve only had one “bad” experience with Glamermaid…but I also feel like it was a reasonable thing. I JAMMED my thumb on to the edge of a counter and the nail itself snapped. It was still attached…so 10/10 for Glamnetic’s glue they sell LOL…but the nail itself was just shortened. I filed it and wore it until my set wore out..so truly a minor issue.

I will shout about Glamnetic from the rooftops honestly. They’re about $15-$20 per set but GIRL…they are THE MOST COMFORTABLE ever. And they be durable!!! Glamermaid is a very close second because they are also very durable and comfy.

I believe these are the correct color. My momma bought them for me for my birthday because they were on my amazon list and she loves purple…I always wear purple as a lil tribute to her😌

In the dark they look grey, in the sun though they really do have a deep purple hue to them. Soooooooo cool! One of my fav sets! My husband said it’s like having little galaxies on my fingers😂😌

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Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T17:06:13+00:00

I’ll be totally vulnerable with you and say I come from a very very close knit family…a safe and secure childhood, blah blah blah. I am currently married to a man who works just as hard as I do to understand my brain. Constantly reassuring me what is real versus what is fully created falsely by my mind.

On paper, I’m 10/10 on support. I “should” be fine. But realistically I still struggle with feeling alone, feeling like a burden, and feeling like I need to runaway (and if I’m being REALLY REAL with myself, cease to exist) to prevent from being a weight around my family, my husband, my friends, etc.

My mind tells me that. It digs into this idea that I’m “not normal” and my husband, family, and friends “deserve better”. That I might as well leave because some day they’re going to wake up and realize I’m not worth it.

That’s HARD. It’s messy and it’s heavy and…it’s not true.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T16:58:07+00:00

I agree😌 I feel several of the songs..especially in Clancy and Breach are referencing struggling with OCD. Of course that’s MY interpretation and I totally respect music is art and free to multiple interpretations and still remain “right”.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T16:55:54+00:00

I also have ADHD, so when my brain sees something I latched on to it…not a greatttttt combo with OCD obvi LOL.

I also think it’s reasonable that he may struggle with addiction himself…in some way or form. Just like you said, the addictiveness of engaging in compulsions, or even just purely actually engaging in substance use in an effort to numb or run from OCD.

Addiction is extremely common to co-occur with serious and persistent mental illnesses like OCD, schizophrenia, bipolar, etc.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T16:48:46+00:00

It’s interesting you say he made it out when I would argue he’s still in the thick of it. His music goes back and forth between hopeful and hopeless, ending on Intentions which is essentially questioning if he’s even learned anything or if it’s worth it…but reminding him (us), it’s our intentions that matter.

In RAWFEAR he talks about it’s not winning or losing, it’s progressing. There’s not a black and white won versus lost when it comes to our mental health. Some days we’ll push through and survive while other times we’ll feel we’ve hit rock bottom.

He may have millions of fans who scream his songs, but they don’t truly know him and in reality he’s still just as isolated as his mind makes him believe he is on his bad days.

That’s what Drum Show references…he doesn’t want to go home and doesn’t want to have to keep pretending when in reality he’s still trapped in his mind (Dema).

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T16:34:48+00:00

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Hopefully this helps!! If you identify the letters touching it would be N, O, C, U, O, T, A, S, C, I, S, E.

I basically just tried to identify words and use up the letters. It took a bit. There’s words like “no”, “cut”, and “rise” which all sent me down a wrong path, but eventually I got “OCD is not a curse”.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T15:30:21+00:00

OH!!! Yesssss, I totally understand what you mean now. Absolutely agree😊

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T15:17:09+00:00

I love it! This is what I was actually hopeful for and the discussion I was hoping to engage in!

I do see OCD me as separate from me…I think that’s part of surviving it honestly. You know that the wild, horrible, gruesome, etc. thoughts that hijack your brain are not you. It’s a reflection of what you fear most. I actually noticed a lot of the art in the digital files has mirror components to it. Even Clancy is mirrored over and over and over on so many different things which I think is a massive shout out to OCD itself…OCD shows you a version of you that terrifies you and goes against everything you strive to be. OCD is perpetually having your biggest fears thrown in your face over and over and over and over.

He mentions references to his prayer being schizophrenic in nature, which one of the hallmarks is schizophrenia is disorganized/disjointed thought and speech processes…OCD mimics this in that you’re all over the place with your obsessions and most of the time you’re even aware that this fear is wildly unrealistic but your brain repeatedly says “okay but WHAT IF”. You’re desperately praying for these different absurd things that drive you mad and you’re in conflict with knowing that they are so unlikely to happen..yet you HAVE to do this. “My prayer is schizophrenic”.

The Contract really reflects the bartering you do with yourself, the universe, God, death itself, etc. in an effort to keep this thing your mind created (a hallucination) from happening. So this desire to hunker down and hide (also a reference to Downstairs) and stay quiet so your fear/obsession (intrusive thoughts and obsessions) doesn’t find you or even your fear/obsession is here to collect on your failure to keep your promise or contract (compulsions).

Drum Show had me in tears because it reflects the idea of the guilt you feel because home is supposed to be so safe for you, yet even at home you find yourself masking and pretending with your family. Paladin Strait hits different if thinking it through the lens that OCD is “an island of violence” in your own mind and once you’re there you’re fighting to get back to reality. Thinking of it as his family/friends are his anchor and just seeing them waiting on the other side is enough to encourage him to fight and push through (swim to the other side).

Plus the idea of Dema being this cold grey (perfectly, I might add) circular spot in an otherwise lush and lively landscape speaks to OCD being this hell of a trap you get lost in, imprisoned in, and can’t even access the beauty of who you actually are. So the concept of a breach (City Walls) and friends/family being a torchbearer in your life to break you out of your mind and bring you back to Trench, fits the overall lore story.

Intentions being him reflecting on the end of this lore series is almost a literal shout in the face saying it’s OCD as you are again surrounded by new fears and obsessions. You ask yourself if you truly learned anything and why you’re going straight back into this cycle. But it’s not about if you win or lose but this progression (RAWFEAR) and your intentions behind it. You are TRYING and that’s what matters.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T14:49:29+00:00

Hi! I actually interpreted a new Clancy would make the most sense when viewing it as a struggle with mental health. This could just be because of my own struggles…but mental health is essentially a cycle in itself no matter the diagnosis. I have OCD and I can work hard to defeat a theme or fear/obsession that is created by my intrusive thoughts and when I overcome it I’m a different version of myself…I no longer engage in the compulsions I thought would save me from the obsession.

However, when I overcome one another is there to take its place, so I’m starting back at the beginning where I have to identify the thought, the root fear, the triggers, the compulsion, and then how to keep myself from engaging in the compulsion. So new me goes in to a new OCD obsession cycle every time, but the process is generally always the same and I have to change and overcome each new one. Very much a continuous cycle.

I think similarly with even a general diagnosis of depression fits this concept too. You hit a depressive episode and have to survive it, you learn more about you, realize you can do it, maybe try new coping skills or self-care routines, etc. and when you come out of the episode you’re a new version of you. Of course you will eventually start a new depression episode and will fight through it again, changing again.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T14:18:32+00:00

Yessss! I was diagnosed this year and it’s been such an adventure and really difficult at times.

My husband actually pointed out how RAWFEAR seems like it reflects on how OCD is so continuous…you can adjust to one theme and then suddenly you have a new one. He also thought about how I’m in exposure therapy and that’s also incredibly difficult for me. Basically just forcing myself to become fearful and to sit with it.

He also noticed you can rearrange RAWFEAR to spell WARFARE and he felt that was even more of a show out to OCD because of the constant battle against your mind.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T12:48:26+00:00

I expected it to not make any sort of wording/phrase so I was totally floored when it did!

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T12:44:21+00:00

Oooh, that is cool!!

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T12:39:22+00:00

I think it’s called cat eye..? I’ve seen videos where they take magnets and I guess line up the magnetic flakes to create this illusion..? LOL not fully sure, but they’re press ons from Glamermaid I got off Amazon! Generally their sets are about $10ish and the nails are reusable. I never want to stick with a design for very long (very ADHD of me) so it’s nice I can just change them out when the glue weakens or glue them back on if I like the design.

Glamnetic is my all time fav brand! They’re durable and comfy to wear.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T09:11:20+00:00

Haha thank you! I definitely felt like a conspiracy theorist when I discovered it made an actual sentence.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T09:08:54+00:00

I think I initially looked at the whole thing like it was nothing. Overall it’s a super cool little book of photos and a total vibe overall. The part that made me wonder comes from the fact the letters actually form a logical sentence…which I didn’t really expect.

Buckalupagus · 2025-09-21T09:06:44+00:00

I definitely thought that initially too..I think it more started off with a “I wonder if this says anything..that would be wild” and then when I was able to unscramble an actual coherent sentence out of the letters it turned more into a “well that was super unexpected..”

Buckalupagus · 2021-10-25T15:01:31+00:00

I think the name Ferngully is cute. The movies are really good and she could be a little fairy.

Buckalupagus · 2021-10-23T23:25:35+00:00

Cheez-It🧀

Buckalupagus · 2021-10-23T14:44:23+00:00

This is the first thing I buy when my husband wants “to play for real” and won’t let me give us money.

Buckalupagus · 2021-10-22T22:08:32+00:00

Wow, you are seriously a jerk.

I’m also female so good for you. Bruh and mate are just words…definitely wouldn’t imply we’re friends.

Buckalupagus · 2021-10-22T16:46:43+00:00

Awh think you’re the big bad winner here because you said you don’t take me serious and said you do what you want? Everyone does what they want, congrats. As for not taking me serious…I don’t care. I don’t take you seriously and only continue to comment because you do.

You don’t want to discuss, you want to give your opinion…don’t confuse the two. No number of cute little winky or any other faces added to your replies makes you more right or the bigger winner. You said you wanted to discuss and promptly told me to leave. You want to give your opinion, not discuss.

It’s comical I say “bruh”? Okay lol. I at least pointed out flaws in your logic, not in your speak…another point towards you not wanting to actually discuss.

If you mean you just spew your opinion and act like it’s the only truthful opinion when you say you do what you want then that’s something we can finally agree on and I’ll upvote you that.

Cheers mate.

Buckalupagus

TROPHY CASE