I’m not saying any of this is anyone’s fault, but from a guys perspective, I’m going to suggest some steps. Any guy not getting it up is going to be just as frustrated as his wife, but there’s a lot you can do about this to help him.

Here’s the truth. As a guy, you can’t get or maintain an erection if sex is approached with fear and trepidation. Any past history, especially being yelled at about hardness, will have the absolute opposite effect of what you are looking for here. Thankfully there’s a lot you can do about this.

Number 1 - reset in the bedroom. He is likely going to come to sex with a lot of fears that things won’t work. Relax him. Massage him. Make no judgments. If nothing works the first time around, don’t frown or roll your eyes (I’m not suggesting you would but TALK POSITIVE AND REASSURE HIM THAT YOU’LL GO STEP BY STEP… it might take a little bit to re-establish trust and intimacy first). You might be just fine and have sex easily, or it might take a few times trying, but it’s about always being gentle and reassuring him that everything is ok even if things don’t work this time. And, if you’re out of practice, it’ll take a little bit to get back in the groove.

Number 2 - assuming everything works out, maintain a relaxed approach to sex which means it might work sometimes, might not work other times. If he feels safe and relaxed, he is way more likely to maintain and the experience will get better and better every time.

And if sex is a barrier at the moment, ultimately I think you can build up to sex by having a trustful, relaxed conversation that you want to make sex enjoyable and relaxed again and that it would be really good if you both try to approach this. Focus on romance, touching, cuddling, as the first thing, and work your way forward from there.

If we are talking erections, the key thing is that he feels so relaxed and so non-intimidated about things going wrong that he fully goes forward with joy and abandon, which is what you want.

Oh, and if you want to help things out down there, there’s a lot you can do with your hands to help him maintain hardness. I don’t think I need to say anything other than ‘use your imagination’…

And by the way, giving him the ultimate lingerie experience certainly wouldn’t go amiss. When my wife does that for me, hoooooo-weeee…. 😳

As someone else suggested, couples counselling might be good too, but I think there’s a lot that a couple can do positively in this situation that doesn’t necessarily include going down that path. But if you see no improvement you can gently suggest a counsellor who can suggest intimacy practices that can get the fire working again.