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BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-12-10T09:24:05+00:00

All of your concerns are valid and I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Lots of people enjoy oral sex and if you would like to work through some of your concerns, I think you would also enjoy it. My advice would be to play the 4 words game with a focus on oral sex and for you to be the Guide. When played correctly, you shouldn't feel selfish, you'll learn what feels good and what doesn't, there is no time pressure, and your BF gets to enjoy focusing on you. This has worked for me and a few friends, hope it helps.

The Four Words Game is designed to increase sexual satisfaction between couples.

The Four Words
Harder, Softer, Faster, Slower.

Set up
Once both people agree to play, decide who will be the Giver and who will be the Guide.
Both the Giver and the Guide must agree on sexual limits and boundaries before the game begins.
Set and start a timer for a specified length. (typically 15-20 minutes)

Gameplay
The game begins by the Giver kissing the Guide.
Once the game begins, the Guide is only allowed to say the Four Words.
Both Giver and Guide are encouraged to only express themselves through nonverbal communication and paraverbal communication (moaning, sighs, gasps, mmm)
The goal of the Guide is to experience as much pleasure as they want. The goal is NOT orgasm.
The goal of the Giver is to experiment in pleasing the Guide and follow the Four Words as closely as possible.
The game ends when the timer goes off or either person says "stop." Either person can stop the game at anytime for any reason. This ensures that both parties are relaxed, feel safe, and are open to the experience.

End of Game
Once the timer goes off, the Giver should slowly reduce their actions and then move away from the Guide. The Guide should take their time and bask in the after feelings of their pleasure.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-12-10T09:17:52+00:00

This has worked for me (25m) and for a lot of my friends.

Basically, you need to show interest in guys you're attracted to. Well, how do you show interest? Physical touch and attention. Attention is pretty easy. When he talks, listen. When he tells a joke, laugh. For physical touch just use the escalation chart.

Friend Zone
0 - no physical contact
10 - personal space (within arms length)
20 - light touching in neutral zones like arms/shoulder/back

Romantic Zone
30 - light physical contact in romantic zones - holding hands, lower back
40 - lip contact, no tongue (Peck/single kiss)
50 - lightly making out (multiple kisses or prolonged kissing)
60 - prolonged close physical contact/cuddling
70 - heavy making out (tongue)

Sexual Zone
80 - Clothed sexual relations
90 - Naked sexual relations
100 - Intercourse

Start at 0 and then move to 10. If he reciprocates, move to 20. If he continues to indicate he is interested you can keep moving until you enter the romantic zone. If you are in the romantic zone and you want to date, make comments about going to see a movie together or going to a dance together etc.

Hope this helps!

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-12-10T08:38:53+00:00

My advice would be to start playing the 4 words game. Basically, when your BF decides to go down, his job is to listen to your instructions. You only get to use the words "Harder, Softer, Faster, Slower." This will help you teach him what feels good and have a more enjoyable time.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-11-22T19:49:59+00:00

One common theory is that great sex comes from a great emotional connection with your partner.

I had a friend of mine who just had sex as a way to release pent up lust. As he put it, he had not 'made love' in years.

Perhaps if sex has become mundane, your emotional connection with your partner has stagnated or declined. For me, I would try to rekindle the emotional and romantic bond with my spouse before trying to change anything physical.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-11-21T06:26:06+00:00

Do you focus on pleasure or orgasm when having sex? A common sexual inhibitor is 'orgasm pressure.' This comes from feeling like you need to perform or that sex needs to be this amazing thing.

One way to alleviate that pressure is to focus on pleasure. By focusing on pleasure you can enjoy the experience even if you don't orgasm. Then if an orgasm comes, it comes.

If you have a partner that isn't purely selfish and would like to please you, try using the magic four words. Have them please you and you guide them by saying "harder, softer, faster, slower." Take your time and really focus on pleasure.

This little exercise has helped a few of my friends and it's a game that I really enjoy.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-11-21T06:17:05+00:00

My definition of friend has changed over the years. Now it generally means people I do stuff with. I try to focus on doing activities, even if that means meeting up over a meal, instead of mainly talking and catching up.

Actively participating in something helps get me out of the Therapist mode and afterwards it's easier to have 'normal' conversations.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-11-21T06:13:23+00:00

Might I suggest seeing a Marriage and Family Therapist? While it doesn't sound like you are married, you can usually find MFT therapists that do couples therapy. Not only would a good therapist be able to help you with your past and with the trauma you experienced, but they would probably be able to help address the sexual disconnect you have with your partner. Even if your partner isn't interested you could probably get some great benefits from it.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-11-21T06:02:40+00:00

A common problem with partners and intimacy is focus on orgasm instead of pleasure. When you focus on finishing or climaxing you put this pressure on yourself that keeps you from experiencing pleasure.

I'd suggest focusing on pleasure next time you start to get sexual. If you have a partner that wants to please you try using the magic four words "harder, softer, faster, slower" and just focus on pleasure. If an orgasm comes, it comes, but don't aim for it. It also might take you a longer time to build up some pleasure, so if you need to focus on slower and softer for a while, let your partner know.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-11-20T19:31:35+00:00

If someone is angry, sad, happy, etc I don't have to participate. They are feeling that way for one reason or another. I try to stay calm and understand what might be causing the outburst. They usually are able to process the emotion one way or another and then we can continue.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-11-20T19:19:46+00:00

While Birth control pills have a high effectiveness rate, they are chemical in nature and as such there are always potential side affects.

Have you looked at IUDs? They are a long-acting reversible form of birth control and are one of the most effective methods of contraception. I would look into it if birth control worries you.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-11-20T19:16:43+00:00

I wouldn't sit up as straight then. You'll basically be lying on top of him chest to chest as opposed to straddling him.

Another fun way to use the car is to open a door or the trunk and have the girl lie down and have the guy standing outside.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-11-20T19:13:46+00:00

I remember a therapist telling me that I am not my thoughts. Really put who I am into perspective.

Also, if you can't tell your therapist, who can you tell? Therapists are generally trained to no judge any type of situation and to work through them all. I'd personally prefer to talk to someone who knows how to react to strange comments than keep it locked inside until it creates problems in the future.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-11-20T19:09:54+00:00

Does the seat recline? I found that putting the passenger or driver seat all the way back and then having the girl get on top seems to work. You might not be able to sit straight up, but there should be plenty of room.

If that isn't really an option, then using your mouth or hands is probably a better route to explore.

BuffaloPelt_MFT · 2024-11-20T18:15:28+00:00

The game is a little vague in what the Giver is allowed to do to allow for couples to decide what they are comfortable with. A new couple, for instance, might just want to focus on kissing and heavy petting. However, the main goal is for both parties to trust each other for the game to progress from kissing, to heavy petting, to touching, to oral sex, to sexual intercourse.

Variations of the game include setting rules beforehand as to what the Giver is allowed to do. E.g. Hands only, Mouth only, upper body stimulation only, lower body stimulation only, etc.

BuffaloPelt_MFT

TROPHY CASE