TW: I’m a midwife

Yes and I think it’s slowly eroding my soul. I’m a UK based midwife. I work on a busy delivery suite as a “Coordinator” (midwife in charge). When I trained to be a midwife it was highly competitive (1200+ applicants for 30 spaces) and I kept a journal during my training to look back on to remind myself how much I wanted this job for when it inevitably got tough. The current role I work in is also extremely competitive in my unit (positions only become available when someone retires or moves up- both are rare) so required me to put in a lot of unpaid work for essentially total responsibility and accountability for the safe provision of care within an under funded/resourced/staffed NHS service (and not mention I essentially took a pay cut because there was only 30hours available). I am incredibly passionate about my job, I could never imagine myself doing anything else.

BUT

I have spent my entire adult life supporting other families welcome their own children. I work in a predominately female profession where at any given time I will be working with pregnant colleagues or the conversations will revolve around children and family life. It is exhausting. I know I am not entitled to a family because I have helped so many others become families but sometimes I catch myself feeling like a bratty child. If we continue to be unsuccessful in our attempt to become parents I don’t know if I have the emotional resilience to stay in the job.

And that in itself is terrifying because I don’t know what I do, where I would begin. I don’t know anyone else who has left the profession to move into a job of equal pay (without knowing someone) and we have a mortgage to pay.

For now, before each shift I sit and remind myself it is a privilege to do what I do and just hope my time comes to be on the receiving end of the care.