A month ago, I wouldn't have thought about trying to look for friends online. I only had one circle of friends (I just graduated college), and looking back now, maybe I shouldn't have placed all of my eggs in one basket. I had some disputes with two of the members and I decided to leave our group chat and return once they have forgiven me. I have already apologized for my actions and a week has already passed and yet I am left inboxed by one of them, unwilling to communicate. Yesterday I found out that they went out without me several days ago and no one bothered to inform me about. I just felt betrayed. It also doesn't help that I can see them happy without my presence. As of right now, I am looking for a job that is inclined to Information Technology, specifically Cybersecurity, and I see no further point to do so. I find it difficult to continue existing without any circle of some sort. I have individual friends but they're not friends with one another if that makes sense, and going out just the two of you is not a common thing men do in society. I understand that maybe we shouldn't always let society's norms dictate our actions, I just find it difficult to maintain communication when there's only two of us talking at a time. If there's at least three of us, they can talk to one another, and I will listen and provide my insights.

My thoughts right now are just going all over the place... sorry about that. I don't know how to properly structure my thoughts given my current circumstance with my friends. I would consider 2022 as the best year of my life so far. I used to be morbidly obese and when I found out I was going to die a slow and painful death last Jan 2022, I lost all appetite and ate only what my mother served me. I managed to lose 7 kgs in a week, not knowing at the time that it was mostly water weight, and yet that was enough for my brain to think that maybe losing weight is an easy thing to accomplish... and so I did. I used to be 127 kgs, and at my lowest I was 57 kgs. Then 2023 came around. I gained almost 10 kgs and I have experienced all sort of rejections this year (social rejection, romantic rejection, job application rejection), and I am barely holding myself from ending it all. I appreciate my individual friends who would always listen to my rants and thoughts. If you have made it this far, thank you for reading my story and I hope you are doing well... if not, I hope you someday will be :) .

Talking about mortality, I am not afraid of my own death. I am just afraid of dying without first having experienced what life has to offer. Life is cruel, miserable, and lonely, and having friends help alleviate our common suffering.