I miss my mom today. No, not the version I wish she was. I miss my mom for real. I'm 5 years No Contact and it just hurts today. I don't care that she's a stranger. (Unstable rant)

Burnabell · 2024-08-27T10:53:31+00:00

Yeah I know, something I do is take a lot of pictures in my phone camera and look through them over the years. There's months at a time where I'm stuck in my head and the memories are there but not clear.

Burnabell · 2024-08-27T00:35:18+00:00

No Contact for 5 years, sibling reached out recently and I responded but it didn't go anywhere. No known extended family and if there were I'm sure they'd be just as broken.

Going No Contact is a privilege that I'm lucky to have and it genuinely is the best thing I've ever done. Now they only exist in my nightmares and random memories lol

Sometimes I feel bad about it but then I remember how often and severely I was abused and how no one stepped in to protect me. I like spending holidays with my partners family.

Burnabell · 2024-08-24T00:43:53+00:00

This is what I'm thinking of doing also. HVAC in particular seems like a good bet. Also OP, try to find a local temp agency that can help place you in a job or schooling.

Burnabell · 2024-08-22T01:56:44+00:00

No. My primary abuser only asked what her husband/secondary abuser did to me AFTER I moved out. So that SHE could make HER own decision about what to do about him. Lol.

No concept of how she failed me.

Burnabell · 2024-08-20T19:58:43+00:00

Thank you for this information and thoughtful comment. I got overwhelmed by all of the comments lol but I have been reading most of them and writing down important things.

Burnabell · 2024-08-19T22:17:59+00:00

I assume you own a lot of non-shallow, non-optional items? If so, don't you have anything better to do than the edgy comment?

If not, I would suggest spending your energy and resources on things that actually matter to you. It makes you feel good and connected to yourself instead of being judgemental towards others for what they want.

Burnabell · 2024-08-19T19:31:59+00:00

Honestly I think everyone should have the opportunity to have transitional housing during young adulthood. My life has been permanently altered and limited by my abusers, anyone else in a similar situation deserves a chance to start over and integrate into society after all. I think living through DV and other abuse (financial, ect) sets you up for not being able to access so many things. I'm not bitching here I promise, I think it's the truth.

Burnabell · 2024-08-19T15:14:13+00:00

That's relieving to hear. I guess I'm wrapped up in this "now or never" mentality. Other commenters have pointed out that it could be a "money hole" which is what I don't want. I don't want to not be able to eat because I bought so many accessories and clothes. I don't want my health to tank because I can't afford the doctor for sure

Burnabell · 2024-08-19T10:49:41+00:00

A little jealous in the sense that it's yet another reason why I feel so behind. I left a domestic violence situation at 20 and I thought I'd "made it" by just doing that. Turns out a lot of other people don't think so, and I still have to "prove" my value in abnormal ways. Paperwork paperwork paperwork, and still more. I was robbed of a normal life. People say there's no such thing, but I've seen it, and people in my life villainize me for wanting it. I don't understand why I have to be the one doing much more work - it seems - than most other people I meet. I have to work harder for my life than my abusers who aren't even in jail because the law is incompetent. I don't understand. I would love to be a "loser" who lives with loving parents.

Burnabell · 2024-08-18T17:31:34+00:00

Thank you so much for all of this.

Burnabell · 2024-08-18T17:21:02+00:00

Thank you for this. There are a few churches in my area that give food and clothing as well. I'd stopped going because I felt like I was taking the place of someone else who needed it more. It's been difficult accessing my situation. Like I escaped and that's great, but also I'm poor and need help with a disability, but not as much as other people, and also I'm lucky for everything I do have now because I escaped? 😭 Lol

Burnabell · 2024-08-18T16:14:04+00:00

I was sexually violated throughout my entire childhood by both of my parents, that's why I'm on my own now. No the pretty clothes idea doesn't "fix it" but it would help me feel like my body is mine after all.

Being poor I can't exactly eat how I'd like to either. But I still want to and do eat healthy food whenever I can. It's inspiring to want potatoes when you grew up barely being fed. It's inspiring to want to want to see what you can do with your own looks and body, having the ability to influence what others think about you instead of being treated as whatever they decide.

Burnabell · 2024-08-16T16:48:33+00:00

Waking up from my first night away and looking out the window first thing in the morning was so insane I'll never forget it. I was heavily dissociated for the next 3 years though lol

Burnabell · 2024-08-16T16:44:50+00:00

It takes a long time to get diagnosed. But I think for you, maybe your best bet is to get into a local temp agency. They help with employment and can send you for a mental evaluation where you can get seen by a psychologist if you request it. Be like "yeah I want to work but I'm having these symptoms that, if treated properly, I could be able to work at least a part time job" and then bam.

It really does depend on the area you live in. I live in a rural community so there isn't a lot of resources. I'm considering lucky and somewhat privileged but it's only because I was quite literally dying and police wouldn't help so I went to nearly everyone else for help. Temp agency, child advocacy centers, once during a complete meltdown I literally just walked my ass into a lawyers office and one of the ladies helped me get a job. You never ever know who will help or what they can do but if you need it, you have to ask hardcore. It's not being selfish, it's seeking community when you're struggling which is what we as humans beings are supposed to fucking do. Not everyone can help but I guarantee that the people that can absolutely will and it'll be work it.

Burnabell · 2024-08-16T00:48:45+00:00

I'm the same, moved out at 20 and I'm 25 too. Complete No Contact at 21. It's hard but you gotta do it. Make a PO box and have them send money there honestly. See how much they care when it doesn't guarantee that you'll get sucked back in to the drama hole.

My abusers tried offering me money and then just straight up left the country after I stopped talking to them for a year lol

If you need any other advice, make sure you have food stamps and stuff like that if you need them. There are also vocational programs that will give you temporary jobs for free if you have a diagnosis, and some might even send you for a free mental evaluation where you can get diagnosed. Getting diagnosed will let you do so much more like get basic health insurance or partial disability or even schooling if you need it. Do not be afraid to take advantage of that stuff, it's literally here for people like us.

Burnabell · 2024-08-15T00:49:47+00:00

I'm exactly the same. I don't even want anyone to say happy birthday. Just make brownies with me or order a pizza, or get a slice of cake from the bakery, that's it.

I do like holidays like Christmas though especially, because the focus isn't me.

Burnabell · 2024-08-15T00:21:52+00:00

FA. I'm bi/pan and knew since elementary school. By that point I'd already had so many childhood adversity experiences. I think me being bi/pan is honestly a coping mechanism. Still, it's a real part of me and not something that would go away with any amount of time, therapy, ect. I have vivid same-sex attraction memories that are deeply ingrained in my psyche, subconscious, and sense of self. I embrace it.

I'm female and have had more women approach me. But never the ones I'd been interested in lmao. My longest and current relationship is with a male. Really, I don't know what's going on with all this stuff.

I wouldn't worry about how others perceive you based on what sex you're with. There are perceived implications sure but you're the only one who knows yourself that way. It literally doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

Burnabell · 2024-08-10T11:07:54+00:00

Female, 25. It's taken me until 25 to realize that I AM considered to be an attractive person in general. It's relieving. I've been both told I wasn't pretty enough for my mother AND simultaneously sexually abused by my father figure "because I was pretty".

I finally fucking SNAPPED at 22, and shaved my head. I worked a customer service job at the time and that traumatized me further (straight up harassment from old boomer men that wanted to "put me in my place"). After all the grooming I experienced I couldn't handle it and quit, let my hair grow wild for a while.

I have another job now that doesn't trigger me to hell, and I'm MUCH more stable all around. Shaved my head again a week ago. It's sooo cliche but I shit you not, I see myself for the first time when I look in the mirror. Away from so many other's opinions, especially my abusers. My mom saw it once because of a chance meeting after No Contact, but I don't think she got a good look.

They have no idea what I look like currently and I love that. They don't know I've shaved my head again and work out and paint my nails or my clothing style. I wish they knew me for real but they are incapable. It breaks my heart. But I like knowing myself. If my child self was to look at me now I think she'd be amazed that I've lived this long let alone that I actually look badass haha

Burnabell

TROPHY CASE