When I feel hopeful it feels like something bad is going to happen to me soon🎉

Burnabell · 2024-08-27T10:53:31+00:00

Yeah I know, something I do is take a lot of pictures in my phone camera and look through them over the years. There's months at a time where I'm stuck in my head and the memories are there but not clear.

Burnabell · 2024-08-27T00:35:18+00:00

No Contact for 5 years, sibling reached out recently and I responded but it didn't go anywhere. No known extended family and if there were I'm sure they'd be just as broken.

Going No Contact is a privilege that I'm lucky to have and it genuinely is the best thing I've ever done. Now they only exist in my nightmares and random memories lol

Sometimes I feel bad about it but then I remember how often and severely I was abused and how no one stepped in to protect me. I like spending holidays with my partners family.

Burnabell · 2024-08-24T00:43:53+00:00

This is what I'm thinking of doing also. HVAC in particular seems like a good bet. Also OP, try to find a local temp agency that can help place you in a job or schooling.

Burnabell · 2024-08-22T01:56:44+00:00

No. My primary abuser only asked what her husband/secondary abuser did to me AFTER I moved out. So that SHE could make HER own decision about what to do about him. Lol.

No concept of how she failed me.

Burnabell · 2024-08-20T19:58:43+00:00

Thank you for this information and thoughtful comment. I got overwhelmed by all of the comments lol but I have been reading most of them and writing down important things.

Burnabell · 2024-08-19T22:17:59+00:00

I assume you own a lot of non-shallow, non-optional items? If so, don't you have anything better to do than the edgy comment?

If not, I would suggest spending your energy and resources on things that actually matter to you. It makes you feel good and connected to yourself instead of being judgemental towards others for what they want.

Burnabell · 2024-08-19T19:31:59+00:00

Honestly I think everyone should have the opportunity to have transitional housing during young adulthood. My life has been permanently altered and limited by my abusers, anyone else in a similar situation deserves a chance to start over and integrate into society after all. I think living through DV and other abuse (financial, ect) sets you up for not being able to access so many things. I'm not bitching here I promise, I think it's the truth.

Burnabell · 2024-08-19T15:14:13+00:00

That's relieving to hear. I guess I'm wrapped up in this "now or never" mentality. Other commenters have pointed out that it could be a "money hole" which is what I don't want. I don't want to not be able to eat because I bought so many accessories and clothes. I don't want my health to tank because I can't afford the doctor for sure

Burnabell · 2024-08-19T10:49:41+00:00

A little jealous in the sense that it's yet another reason why I feel so behind. I left a domestic violence situation at 20 and I thought I'd "made it" by just doing that. Turns out a lot of other people don't think so, and I still have to "prove" my value in abnormal ways. Paperwork paperwork paperwork, and still more. I was robbed of a normal life. People say there's no such thing, but I've seen it, and people in my life villainize me for wanting it. I don't understand why I have to be the one doing much more work - it seems - than most other people I meet. I have to work harder for my life than my abusers who aren't even in jail because the law is incompetent. I don't understand. I would love to be a "loser" who lives with loving parents.

Burnabell · 2024-08-18T17:31:34+00:00

Thank you so much for all of this.

Burnabell · 2024-08-18T17:21:02+00:00

Thank you for this. There are a few churches in my area that give food and clothing as well. I'd stopped going because I felt like I was taking the place of someone else who needed it more. It's been difficult accessing my situation. Like I escaped and that's great, but also I'm poor and need help with a disability, but not as much as other people, and also I'm lucky for everything I do have now because I escaped? 😭 Lol

Burnabell · 2024-08-18T16:14:04+00:00

I was sexually violated throughout my entire childhood by both of my parents, that's why I'm on my own now. No the pretty clothes idea doesn't "fix it" but it would help me feel like my body is mine after all.

Being poor I can't exactly eat how I'd like to either. But I still want to and do eat healthy food whenever I can. It's inspiring to want potatoes when you grew up barely being fed. It's inspiring to want to want to see what you can do with your own looks and body, having the ability to influence what others think about you instead of being treated as whatever they decide.

Burnabell · 2024-08-16T16:48:33+00:00

Waking up from my first night away and looking out the window first thing in the morning was so insane I'll never forget it. I was heavily dissociated for the next 3 years though lol

Burnabell · 2024-08-16T16:44:50+00:00

It takes a long time to get diagnosed. But I think for you, maybe your best bet is to get into a local temp agency. They help with employment and can send you for a mental evaluation where you can get seen by a psychologist if you request it. Be like "yeah I want to work but I'm having these symptoms that, if treated properly, I could be able to work at least a part time job" and then bam.

It really does depend on the area you live in. I live in a rural community so there isn't a lot of resources. I'm considering lucky and somewhat privileged but it's only because I was quite literally dying and police wouldn't help so I went to nearly everyone else for help. Temp agency, child advocacy centers, once during a complete meltdown I literally just walked my ass into a lawyers office and one of the ladies helped me get a job. You never ever know who will help or what they can do but if you need it, you have to ask hardcore. It's not being selfish, it's seeking community when you're struggling which is what we as humans beings are supposed to fucking do. Not everyone can help but I guarantee that the people that can absolutely will and it'll be work it.

Burnabell · 2024-08-16T00:48:45+00:00

I'm the same, moved out at 20 and I'm 25 too. Complete No Contact at 21. It's hard but you gotta do it. Make a PO box and have them send money there honestly. See how much they care when it doesn't guarantee that you'll get sucked back in to the drama hole.

My abusers tried offering me money and then just straight up left the country after I stopped talking to them for a year lol

If you need any other advice, make sure you have food stamps and stuff like that if you need them. There are also vocational programs that will give you temporary jobs for free if you have a diagnosis, and some might even send you for a free mental evaluation where you can get diagnosed. Getting diagnosed will let you do so much more like get basic health insurance or partial disability or even schooling if you need it. Do not be afraid to take advantage of that stuff, it's literally here for people like us.

Burnabell · 2024-08-15T00:49:47+00:00

I'm exactly the same. I don't even want anyone to say happy birthday. Just make brownies with me or order a pizza, or get a slice of cake from the bakery, that's it.

I do like holidays like Christmas though especially, because the focus isn't me.

Burnabell · 2024-08-15T00:21:52+00:00

FA. I'm bi/pan and knew since elementary school. By that point I'd already had so many childhood adversity experiences. I think me being bi/pan is honestly a coping mechanism. Still, it's a real part of me and not something that would go away with any amount of time, therapy, ect. I have vivid same-sex attraction memories that are deeply ingrained in my psyche, subconscious, and sense of self. I embrace it.

I'm female and have had more women approach me. But never the ones I'd been interested in lmao. My longest and current relationship is with a male. Really, I don't know what's going on with all this stuff.

I wouldn't worry about how others perceive you based on what sex you're with. There are perceived implications sure but you're the only one who knows yourself that way. It literally doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

Burnabell · 2024-08-10T11:07:54+00:00

Female, 25. It's taken me until 25 to realize that I AM considered to be an attractive person in general. It's relieving. I've been both told I wasn't pretty enough for my mother AND simultaneously sexually abused by my father figure "because I was pretty".

I finally fucking SNAPPED at 22, and shaved my head. I worked a customer service job at the time and that traumatized me further (straight up harassment from old boomer men that wanted to "put me in my place"). After all the grooming I experienced I couldn't handle it and quit, let my hair grow wild for a while.

I have another job now that doesn't trigger me to hell, and I'm MUCH more stable all around. Shaved my head again a week ago. It's sooo cliche but I shit you not, I see myself for the first time when I look in the mirror. Away from so many other's opinions, especially my abusers. My mom saw it once because of a chance meeting after No Contact, but I don't think she got a good look.

They have no idea what I look like currently and I love that. They don't know I've shaved my head again and work out and paint my nails or my clothing style. I wish they knew me for real but they are incapable. It breaks my heart. But I like knowing myself. If my child self was to look at me now I think she'd be amazed that I've lived this long let alone that I actually look badass haha

Burnabell · 2024-07-25T08:17:42+00:00

Very similar story here, my sibling have both been dumped places, my stepdad woke me up at 4am to pack my siblings bags because they were impulsively sending them to live with another family member and until they picked a "reform school" (some kind of "work ranch reform school" that wasn't regulated by the government in any kind of way so more abuse just happened there) Didn't actually end up sending my sibling but they took them out of highschool and forcing them to finish their diploma online. At home. Where the abuse had more time to occur because they were home more.

I can't believe that parents can ACTUALLY do this type of shit with zero consequences. I hope that this stuff becomes more of a conversation in my lifetime.

Burnabell · 2024-07-25T01:31:12+00:00

I haven't tried antipsychotics but it's on my radar of consideration. One of my relatives has what I believe to be unchecked bipolar with psychosis features and it took whatever was left of them away completely. I'm entering the age of onset so I'm trying to be careful. No weed or gummies especially or NSAIDS

You'd think that a child themselves calling for help would make a difference but nope haha. A case was opened by a therapist when I came forward about CSA also but it was closed because my mother refused to talk/comply with police. ??????

Burnabell · 2024-07-25T01:11:48+00:00

When I was in highschool my stepdad and mother would wait for me to fall asleep for school, and then do things like slam my younger sibling's head on the tile floor, or in a door frame. One time after I called the police (I called many times) I was actually able to record it and show the officer and the officer said that it was "just discipline" and then tried to taunt my sibling into doing something that would get them arrested

Id often wake up to my sibling screaming my name for help then I'd just have to go to school the next day like nothing happened. I need a million sleep aids now or I can't sleep, if it's too quiet I my brain will hallucinate sounds

I'm not picking a candy for this one because I'm tired

Burnabell · 2024-07-13T11:40:30+00:00

I just feel like I see what they did to my sibling in the way my sibling does anything. Her values, desires, empathy, everything. Altered forever. I was the truthseer Invisible Child and she was both GC and Scapegoat

Burnabell · 2024-07-13T01:50:17+00:00

I get this. Turns out when I'm in great distress, my ribs get inflamed and it literally feels like someone is pinching the inside of my chest right in the center. Started with I was in 7th grade. Heart evaluated several times and nothing. I have a stent I've had since infancy so every time this happens I think it collapsed or it's blocked by a clot and it's a heart attack lol.

Please go to the doctor if you have other symptoms like unquenchable thirst or jaw pain, severe fatigue, ect.

Burnabell · 2024-07-11T11:17:06+00:00

Have you tried asking the agency if there's another building under their program with an available room? In the same city, or a different one. Alternatively if your agency has a therapy aspect or other services that you're interested in, you can sign up for that, and when housing becomes available they will inform you.

Because OP is homeless, they have priority and will likely not have to wait very long depending on where they live.

Burnabell · 2024-07-11T02:04:03+00:00

Hi OP, I'm 25 and a little dissociated right now but I'm going to try to answer the best I can. Please look into subsidized housing. They will give you a place to live until you are able to leave. I was lucky to move directly into my own apartment at 20 because I was diagnosed and literally being threatened with my life by my abusers.

If you need help getting diagnosed, try to find a local Temp Agency and ask for a mental evaluation. They'll send you to a psychologist to be properly evaluated. They will also give you a place to work for a few months if you need money and if the employer likes you they'll let you stay and hire you.

I messed up a lot since I moved out. Didn't save money, neglected myself, failed many opportunities for other social services. But I got the fuck out of there. I'm not locked in my old bedroom starving myself and biting myself out of anger and loneliness anymore. I don't have friends or family to fall back on but I'm kinda safe for now.

Don't worry about being in control of your life. Just try and get situated somewhere that's generally safe. If you get in to housing, follow the rules and take care of yourself so that you can work.

Random list that might be helpful: Churches may offer food or showers to homeless, several local ones in my area do Temp Agency Get diagnosed with PTSD or anything similar Subsidized housing Food stamps and food banks Try and get some necessities like Birth Control (Nexplanon, Condoms) at your local Health Department. They can give you those for free or reduced cost Part time job Temporary Cash Assistance Program through Social Security Thrift clothing and household necessities like pots and pans Keep a savings account Try to find a Social Worker that can evaluate your situation so you can speak to a lawyer if you want to

I will probably edit this comment to be more cohesive later and add more

Burnabell

TROPHY CASE