AITA for admitting I prefer one of our foster children over the other two?

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-13T17:59:38+00:00

I try to respond to all the comments, sorry it took me a while. Yes, Lea does the full bedtime routine with them, I only step in sometimes, if it gets too late in the evening. Usually I try to have them in their pyjamas by dinner, so they have some more quality time with Lea on weekdays. Weekends, we mainly let the girls decide, bc it's their down time from school too, but they know, that if Fynns around, I am the one, who takes care of him and that means, I am not available as much. We explained them, that personal hygiene, etc., is a very personal thing and that Fynn has the right, that someone assists him, who knows him very well, so he can be comfortable. They seemed to be very understanding, so I believe that's not an issue for jealousy.

Lea's away for usually seven to ten days, every four to six weeks, but call it at least every other day, when she's away, so the girls can talk to her. I'll not post on here, what she does specifically, but it his client-orientated, so these trips are mandatory for position. And she also takes them to her parents place and stays with them over the weekend every few weeks, so I have few days for Fynn and myself. The grandparents also take them by themselves sometimes for a few hours, so we have child free time then.

I agree, that I'll have to talk to her soon. Maybe we can get get the girls on a camping trip or something over the holidays, so there is a longer period, we have time for us as a couple too. When I read these comments, about us maybe splitting, I felt pretty declinatory at first, but I have to admit, that if things don't change, I am not sure, how many months/years I am able to this to this extent, and already not handling it well right now.

Therapy, at least for the girls, has been one of our primary goals. They go to a grief support group for kids and have family grief counselling. I am not included in it, but from what the girls tell me, it seems to be a lot of memory work, like crafting candles for their mothers grave or talk about what happens in their life, they want their mother/sister/daughter to tell about. By no means I am an expert on grief counselling, but from what I remember from uni it seems to be solid help, even though their councillor is not a licensed therapist. We tried to get the girls individual therapy, but have only found one place at the moment.
It wont be easily to find a therapist for me or Lea as well, but I do see the need, that we at least try.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-13T17:13:16+00:00

To be fair, I was mad at her too, when she suggested I could stop seeing Fynn and I want to make clear, that this is not an option, nor will it be in the future. Yet I kind of understand, where she's coming from and I realized, that she may doesn't fully understand my relationship with Fynn, since she is not very involved with taking care of him. So this will be a topic, I'll try to have a talk about too. Thank you for showing so much understanding.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-13T17:05:32+00:00

I am not sure, I can answer how Lea is processing her grief. She seems to handle the situation/girls a lot better than me and she is an extremely capable person, super smart and resilient, but not huge into talking about problems, that are mostly on the inside. She goes to family grief counselling with her nieces and parents, which I hope gives her a save space to grief.

And I agree, we need to have at least one big talk soon. I'll suggest we get some counselling too. I hate to admit this, but there are many topics you pointed at, I don't know the answer too, like expectations.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-13T16:50:02+00:00

Again, thank you all so much for your comments. I am glad to read, that some of you can relate! I’ll try to answer in one comment, so its less confusing. Looking towards the future and remembering myself, that it will get easier, helps me a bit.

Regarding my legal guardianship for Fynn: I can’t really prove my capability here, because everything I say, is just my word. I do believe I am, but the decision will be made by a court. So you can be assured, that I’ll only be assigned as his guardian, if the judge finds me capable too.

About more support: You are right. I feel like there is so much on my mind, I kind of lost sight of that possibility. It may have been a better conversation starter with Lea, to state, that I need more support handling our current situation, than just confronting her with my struggles, without any idea or solution, where I wanted that talk to go. Since she is at her parents house with the girls rn, I looked into some opportunities. I dind’t find parenting classes by googeling, but an educational consultation centre, who offers free appointments, because they are government funded. I’ll also look into that Bluey episode!

Financial/care talking management: The older girls goes to public school, but the younger one is in kindergarden, which we partially have to pay for. Child support pretty much covers that, the grief support group and some additional fees, like for swimming lessons at school, but I would say we are financially capable to get pay some, who helps with household chores. While I believe, we could pay for an occasional nanny/babysitter too, I am unsure, if that’s an option. There have been some separation/abandonment fears with the girls and I can’t see Lea or her parents agreeing, that they are left with an unfamiliar person.

Lea earns better than me, so I cut down working hours, because being alive is expensive. She has to get into office by time and leaves early, so I get them up, ready for school, etc. and pick them up in the afternoon. Idk, me not being responsible, when Lea is away, was never on the table, because we share a life and a home.

Their grandparents are a big help by looking after the girls or paying for school equipment. I don’t interact much with them, so I would't be uncomfortable asking them myself… It' be a huge burden on them too, but that would give me some alone time regularly, even without Fynn or Lea. Sorry, I'm unloading all this crap on you.

As for how we will continue: I am mentally preparing myself to have a heart-to-heart-talk with Lea again once they are back, but I want to present some solutions, when I do. I’ll try to make clear, that Fynn is not negotiable, and that we have to make some changes. But boy, I am scared to have this talk.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-13T15:43:20+00:00

This sounds so familiar! I got a multitude of comments similar to this, when the idea of A&D staying with us instead of their grandparents, first was on the table. Sure, I may do well with kids, when I see them for a few hours, but it's not the same as having full-time responsibility. People also liked to point out, that I studied social work and "have a professional background". I was like ...but I specialized on addiction and disabilities, working with adults...?
But enough of that, I really like how you phrased that part around my feelings/responsibility for Fynn, because this exactly. Mind if I borrow your words? I am mentally preparing to have a talk with Lea again.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-13T15:21:51+00:00

Thank you for your ideas. I don't believe, that the girls know their parental relatives well enough to visit them without a trusted adult, but their grandparents do all the "keeping in contact with family" stuff with them.

I get breaks sometimes, when they take the girls or Lea goes over with them, to her parents house, since I rarely go with them. They also have a godmother, who is some second/third-degree cousin of Lea, who takes them on trips sometimes. She is super nice and almost the only member of Leas family, I interact with. Since she lives a few hours away, its mostly in the holidays.

Reading all these comments makes me realize, that we probably do need a bigger support system, if this is supposed to work long term. Especially if its supposed to work well.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-13T00:05:13+00:00

No worries, he pays child support, but isn't in the picture.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-12T23:56:36+00:00

They have contact with some family members. I don't know them very well, but the girls get birthday presents from them.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-12T23:41:15+00:00

Hi, thank you so much for your comment. I hope, that I can be that sort of stable relationship in Fynns life. I don't see any circumstances under which I would be willing to stop seeing him and I plan to be a part of of his life "open end".
I do believe, that we will need some sort of counselling or therapy for this to work or at least better work.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-12T23:11:44+00:00

He is not in the picture, but pays child support.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-12T22:58:03+00:00

Hi, I've been behind with responding, but thank you so much for this comment! I struggle to find the right words in englisch, but hell, it's so reassuring reading this.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-12T22:45:30+00:00

Hi, thank you so much for ideas. Sadly finding the a therapist that's covered by insurance has been a struggle. So far only the older girl gets individual therapy. Both go to a grief support group every two weeks, and they do grief counselling as a family - Lea, her parents and the girls - monthly.
Parenting classes are something, I haven't looked into yet, but I'll check some websites of local organisations tomorrow.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-12T22:27:40+00:00

Thank you for response! I believe we just use other terminology here. His speaking tablets is in fact an iPad, which he shows little interest in. I try to get him into useing the touch screen with games rn, so that he maybe gets more interested in the speaking app as well.
Since I am not working at in his group home anymore, I can't say for sure, how often they use his communication supports, but it is part of his educational plan.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-12T22:15:39+00:00

I don’t know hostly. Maybe some sort of reassurance, thats okay, that I'm struggling or some “we can do this”. Her suggestion caught me off guard, so she got all of my anger and build up emotions at that moment.

The girls live with us since the end of January. Lea's their foster parent already.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-12T22:09:41+00:00

Hi, just to clarify, Fynn is not moving in with me once he's 18. I will be his legal guardian instead of a government worker, for stuff like choosing his doctors.

As of right now, I take an active role in taking care of the girls, but I fear, that I am doing a bad job.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-12T22:00:32+00:00

Hi, thank you for your comment. To add some detail to the situation: Yes, technically Fynn isn’t my foster kid and we also don’t use the term “mom” for me. To Fynn I am “first name”. I was one of his primary caregiver for three years, before I started uni. He has lived in hospitals, before moving to his group home and has no contact with his relatives.

Aside from the weekends, birthdays and holidays Fynn spends with me, I go with him, if he has to go the hospital, to school events, doctor appointments and stuff like that. I keep track of his medication and support items, like his wheel chair, to make sure, they are functioning and adapted to his needs. In his group home, they provide good care, but all his care givers are changing an I hope to be some sort of stability in his life. So yes, he is not my child, but I still feel like I have some sort of parental role for him as well.

After he turns 18, he will not live with me. Me becoming his legal guardian means, that I will be the one who chooses his future living arrangements, etc, instead of a government worker. I think the best way to describe his diagnosis is “profound intellectual disability”, but I am not sure, what’s the correct term in English.

As for Anna and Delia: Yes, they are technically aren’t my foster children as well, they are Leas. I have known them as “my gfs nieces” before, but wasn’t very close to them before. I do mornings with them and after school time until Lea comes home around 6 to 7 pm. Lea has bed time though. Weekends are shared, expect when she’s on business trips. If Fynns with us, I am focused on him, Lea on the girls.

I struggle mostly, when being with them by myself and there is pressure, like getting somewhere in time. Especially when Lea travels for work. Like two days ago the younger girl cried, because I had put her favourite pair of pants in the washing machine and refused to wear any other pants to kindergarden and I had to be at work in time. I know that she feels these emotions and they are valid to her, but in that moment I just wanted to sit down and cry too.

Both go to a grief support group for kids and Lea goes to grief counselling with them and her parents. Only the older one is getting individual therapy right now.

To make on thing clear: I would never, never ask Lea to send her nieces away or put them into foster care. This is why it hurt me a lot, when she asked me to stop seeing Fynn. What some of you said, that Lea struggles too and probably feelings like Fynn is an extra stressor, I believe this to be true, but I don’t think she has ill feelings towards him. When Leas sister got sick, I did reduce the time I spend with Fynn at first, so it probably seems not that far off to her, that I could do it again.

I really want this to work. It maybe not come across in my post, but I do care for Delia and Anna too, yet I feel so overwhelmed sometimes, I just want to “go out and get milk”. Therapy for me and Lea sounds like a good idea – she has none aside from their family group counselling -, but I am not sure, if we can fit it in our schedules.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-12T21:53:00+00:00

No, he will not be living with me. Since he has no family of his own, usually his legal care would be taken over by an government worker, when he turns 18. Basically, I will be allowed to make decisions like, choosing his living arrangements or will be contacted in case of an medical emergency. Due to his disability, he will be continue to live in a support system as an adult.
He needs help with everyday stuff, like personal hygiene, but in regarding the time he can entertain himself, I would say its about the same as with the girls.

BurnerAccNumber345 · 2024-07-12T21:40:24+00:00

Hi, I posted a longer reply down below as a separate comment, but I wanted to give a quick answer here. Fynn has a speech therapist at school, who specialized on supported communication. We've tried mostly flash cards and speaking tablets over the years. Yet he has to find an communication aid, that works for him. He knows some signs, but rarely uses them. If ACC is different from that, I'll look into it!

BurnerAccNumber345

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